Endless plight.

Hopeless. Utterly hopeless. One goal to strive for, and it is beyond my reach and will remain so until the end of time. Perhaps I am simply taking the wrong measures, or searching for my goal within the wrong vessel. I have to get out. I gotta leave this place. It all just seems so dull and gray to me now, where before, it was blindingly colored. Where before, I was happy. Soon, I'll be able to get out. And then my plight will be over.

This is my problem, I have to advance in the world. What am I doing, other than sitting around? I can go. I can get out, I have the ability. So that's my decision. I'm gonna leave, because I am ready to grow up. Finally. I can't believe it took me this long to prepare myself. Maybe I'm just afraid of breaking my usual routine. Maybe I'm afraid of doing things on my own. So... I guess that's it. Break the fear, and get out.

Right, so none of what I wrote makes any sense to anybody but me. Haha, I'll translate.

For some reason, these past few days, I've been super down. I'm not gonna lie, this is my blog anyways, it's because of somebody. A person. Same person as always. And I think I'm probably in over my head, because I'm never gonna do anything with them. Ever. And I know that, and the thing is, I don't care that much that I'll never be in a different situation with them, it's more like an everyday annoyance that I can't stop thinking of. So, my solution is to leave this town. To leave Elk Grove. My hometown.

Honestly, when I first got back I felt at home like I never have in any other place. After awhile, though, it started getting depressing. I mean, this IS and forever will be my hometown, no matter what, and I'll never leave it permanently, but I feel like I'm held back here. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to happen. And I don't think that I should be waiting anymore. And now that I'm an adult, and will be receiving my license within the next month, I'll have the means to leave.

And it all fits with my aspirations, too. I wanna go to The City. Frisco, man. I can continue journalism over there, and probably find somebody to room with. And I won't even be leaving YFC. The thing is, I've never really been on my own. I've always had somebody there to help me out. And I guess, even if I do leave, I still won't REALLY be on my own, but it's scary, y'know? Then again, it's a step I have to take eventually. So, this is my goal. This is what I want to achieve. I want to leave. Once my GE credits are done, I'm gonna go. Unless, of course, the stuff that I was waiting for finally comes through. I doubt that'll happen, though.

I guess that's it, then. I feel better now.

Peace and love,
- Bam.

On the Lookout.

Have you seen it?
My heart, my soul, my mind,
my everything.
If you've seen it tell me
because with every moment that goes by,
where I'm not in contact with it,
A little bit of me dies.

Have you seen it?
My love, my dream, my passion,
my all.
It's beautiful, it inspires,
and lights fires within my being.

With it,
I can write a romance that would explode hearts.
With it,
I can sing a song that would soothe souls.
With it,
I can paint a picture that would stimulate minds.

I just need to find mine.
My heart, my soul, my... Self.
See, this thing comes in many forms for different people.
For some, it is the art they create and live by,
For some it is their significant other.

I've found neither.
What I have found is something greater than all,
what I have found is God.
Through Him, I have both art and love.
Through Him, I am whole.
He is my heart, my soul, my mind, my love, my dream, my passion.
My all,
My everything.

Not many people have seen Him,
but I can tell those people,
once you have, there's no escape,
once you have, there's no going back.
Once you've seen your everything,
Once you know your own worth through Him,
Once you've learned of His love for you,
You will be complete.

It's just that sometimes, you have to look hard to see.
Sometimes, it takes a little effort.
Sometimes, we need some help.

The truth is that, God has always been there,
And we have always been searching,
for something, for anything,
it's just that some of us search half-heartedly.
Some of us search in disbelief,
Some of us lose our will to keep searching.

And like me, if we're away from God too long,
a bit of us dies, and we commit crimes,
we steal, we kill, we cheat, we lie.
We sin. We lose our minds.
And our hearts, and our souls.

And some ask why?
Why would a loving God let us destroy ourselves?
The answer is simple,
None of those causing destruction believe in Him,
None of those people have seen Him,
because none of them were on the lookout.

None of them are happy,
because they weren't on the look out.
None of them are content,
because they weren't on the look out.
None of them know,
that even though, they're not looking,
God is on the lookout for them.

He's on the lookout for them,
through me. Through everyone who's seen Him.
So be clear, if you haven't see God,
Then I am on the lookout for you.

Not a day goes by...

Christmas was fun. Not extra fun, or amazing or anything, but it was fun. It was cool hanging out with the family. God knows I don't do enough of that... Ever. There was something that's been on my mind for the past few days, it's not very important, but it bothers me constantly, and today was a day that it didn't cross my mind very much. Not until I got home and started relaxing, anyways. I don't know why I can't just get over it. Maybe nobody ever really does? Maybe I'm stubborn? Maybe I need an outlet or something to distract me from myself. What I do know is that I need to forget about it. Maybe if I keep ignoring it, it'll just fade away, and I'll no longer have to contemplate its existence. Agh. I should talk about something happier.

I got a guitar bag! WOOT! It's perfect for next semester when I take guitar. Actually, my guitar is in the guitar bag right now, and I'm not even going anywhere. You can never be too careful. Also, I'm gonna get a custom airbrush sweater from the dude that does all the paintings in my house. My sister got him an airbrush machine for Christmas, so he's gonna utilize it to its fullest extent, and I'm gonna reap the benefits of his artistry. Yeah. It's gonna be dope.

Also, I saw The Day the Earth Stood Still earlier. It's not a bad movie, but it's not particularly good either. It's no Dark Knight, I can tell you that much, but it's worth checking out. On bootleg, anyways.

Yeah, that's it. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

Peace and Love.

- Bam.

Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

I'm not too psyched about tomorrow. It's gonna seem boring to me. I guess when you're old, Christmas isn't that exciting, because you know you're not gonna get presents. Well, I'm not, anyways. Might get one or two, but they're not gonna be dope or anything. Whatev. I guess it's the feeling of Christmas that counts. Yeh. Family and such will keep me happy on Christmas.

I guess that's it, pretty short one. I'm watching my nephew play Saint's Row 2. It's very violent, sexual and inappropriate for children.

That totally didn't stop these kids from getting the game. Haha.

Peace and Love, and Merry Christmas again.

-Bam

It'll still be two days 'till we say we're sorry.

"One Week" by Barenaked Ladies.

Good song. And it describes what happened with me and The Child. Y'know, it's one of those songs that just fits the life situation.

I guess I was being stubborn and stupid. My baaad, yo. It's chill now though, which is good, even though it's awkward. I'm just gonna be extra flamboyant, and the awkwardness will be amplified tenfold. Enough to the point of making it not awkward anymore. If that makes any sense. Use up all the awkwardness in one fell swoop, instead of over the course of weeks. That makes more sense.

Anyways, this is gonna be a short one because it's 9am and I'm hungry and I'm gonna go to R&R's house in like 2 hours.

Peace out, lovelies.

-Bam

PS: Meeshell, you probably don't read my blog that much, but I read your's sometimes, and I just wanna say, whoever the last post is about, it doesn't matter because they're not "worth it", and YOU are. Don't forget it, EVER! No worries, anyways, even if you do forget sometimes, I'm here and all the brothers are here to remind you every single day that you are, undeniably, irrefutably, completely, utterly, wonderfully, PERFECTLY WORTH IT!

Much love, yeah? Yeah.

Fuck you.

Those words came so close to rolling off of my tongue yesterday. Honestly, I don't even know why they didn't. They should have. I should have just let myself say what needed to be said, but no. I couldn't, because I looked at her. I saw her face, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe I'm weak, but it doesn't matter anymore. I had to get out, and I did. It didn't matter how cold it was. I couldn't feel it. I was numb, physically and mentally. All I could think about was what I would have said to her, had I not been weak. And those two words rang so vividly in my mind.

I don't know anymore. Whether I overreacted or not. I'm not taking it back. I'm not breaking, I'm not caving like everyone else does for her. I always said, no one gets sympathy from me, and I was a rock enough to uphold what I said. So, I'll remain that rock. I just need to keep to myself for now. There's too many things that I have to forget about, and too many habits that I have to break before I start showing myself again. I guess I'll just shut down for awhile. I mean, I have all of winter break to be by myself.

I don't update very much.

I think I'm gonna start posting random stuff on this blog just to keep it updated in some way. I mean, I can't spew out inspirational drivel for every single post, that's like trying to compete with Jesus, or something.

... HAHAHA. Yeah, I laugh at my own jokes, shaddup.

Anyways... I'm trying to patch stupid RO, but it either fails or errors and I have to restart. I believe I tried 3 times yesterday, only to be denied at the very end of the 11-19-08 patch. Which is VERY annoying. Like, I literally wanna punch RO in the face. Too bad it's neither a tangible object, nor does it have an actual face that represents it in its entirety. Unless we're talking about porings, which is pretty much RO's mascot. I think it's because I only patched RO, and not Sakray. So I'm gonna do Sak, and we'll see what I can achieve. Too bad Sakray hasn't been patched since last year, so guess what? I gotta bear through a friggen long loading screen. It's patching right now as I type this, I'm up to 5-28-08.

On another note, I've tested my hand at songwriting. Honestly, I don't think I'm gonna go anywhere with it. Probably because I keep comparing my work to Hillsong, and there's just no beating them. Hillsong? Seriously? Short of Kevin Discipulo or Robbie Ocampo, who can compete with them? Obviously, that "who" is not me. Then again, I don't wanna doubt myself so early in the game, I haven't even finished a song yet. Hahaha. I can rate myself after the end product is completed.

I suppose that's my update. I'm gonna go do something utterly useless in order to waste time while Sakray is patching. I think it deserves a fist shaken at it. I think I'm just the guy to give it what it deserves. Peace and Love and Glory and Joy to EVERYONE!!

-Bam

Disco boogie. Haha.

Another camp has passed. Another three days of bliss. Oh, was it amazing. I can tell you that I want to be different now. Where I was fake before, I want to be real. Where I was flamboyant and showy before, I want to make subtle. Where I procrastinated, I want to accomplish. It's a strange and utterly terrifying feeling, to not sense God's presence. During worship, no matter how loud you cry for Him to reveal Himself to you, He doesn't show up. It's like sitting in a dark abyss, without any hope of ever again seeing the light of day. No rescue is coming, no one knows where you are. You are completely alone in the world, and all of your bones are broken so you can't even save yourself.

That's how it feels when God's not there. When He doesn't see you. And literally, all you are able to do is pray the hardest you are able to pray, so that He would come back to you. So that He would see you again. And that's what I did, and being a forgiving God, I could feel Him again, and I knew then and there that even if I doubt His existence, no matter what sins I commit, even if my mindset isn't completely focused on Him as it should be, God forgives me, because He loves me. All of this within the course of a half-hour. Oh me oh my, am I blessed. So so so so blessed to have attended that camp. I needed it. It showed me I wasn't just Bam. I was BAM!!! With exclamation points, if that makes any sense. Hahaha.

It also showed me what I needed to improve on. I know, I won't become Super Pious Man in a day, but I can with time. And eventually, I will be. First, I'll start with me. I do a lot of stuff just to be cool, not really because I am passionate about it. I like to dance and sing and guitar, but really, I don't do those things because I actually feel PASSION for it. I just do it because I want to be cool. I want people to see me doing it and they can tell me that I'm soo good, so I can feel better about myself. But no more. I do have these abilities, but I don't want to use them so that others will see me. I want to use them because I just want to. I want to be humble, I suppose. Yeah, that's a good word for it.

I want to become a better brother as well. I want the sisters to look up to me, and come to me when they need something, because I want to be that provider. Anything that I can give them, anything within my abilities, and I want to make myself a wise enough person so that I might be able to show them things they've never seen, give them advice that they need. And in order to do that, I have to drop my passive and playful attitude. I mean, I know it's alright to play around sometimes, but I give off the vibe of complete carelessness. Really, I do care, I DO I DO I DO, so much more than anybody knows, or thinks. I just want to become a role model for the younger brothers, and a rock for the sisters. And that's my duty.

That's all for now, there's other things, other steps that I must take in order to better myself, but I'm not completely sure what they are yet. In time, God will reveal them to me, but until then, Peace and Love for everybody.

- Bam

Life is almost good. Almost.

So, I got my permit. And I think I'm pretty ok at driving after one day of practice. I can park straight, haha. I really think I got lucky on the test. Or God saved my soul. Something like that. I'm pretty sure that passing wasn't just my doing.

Since I started practicing driving, I've got this feeling of advancement in life in general. I'm really setting off into this world. It's like how baby birds learn to use their wings. Except instead of wings, I have an old, busted, manual Isuzu Amigo. Complete with a cracked windshield and a horribly scratched up red paint job. Excellent.

And to further this experience, my 18th birthday is right around the corner. I'm going to be legalized as an adult on November 28th. All of this, paired with the immense independence that has been thrust upon me by college life just shows me: I am grown up, and it's amazing. I never really thought it could happen. In actuality, I've just been coasting through my teenage life without a thought about the future. I mean, I understood that I'd eventually go out and get a job and all of that good stuff, but it feels like it came too fast. Or too abruptly. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just that I was way ill-prepared. And the whole "growing up" thing dawned on me at a super late moment.

I think I'll do fine as an adult. We'll have to see.

Anyways, in THAT regard, life is good. The almost part is something terribly, terribly repetitive. Notice how I added two terribly's to further the effect of repetitiveness. That's how serious it is. And not serious in the sense of traditional dictionary definition, but rather, the M. J. Abero definition. I will soon eliminate the imperfection that is marring the goodness in my life, however. So it's all good. Or it WILL be all good. Haha.

I'm done, peace out.

- Bam

Here's to weeks of inactivity.

Oh MAN, blogspot, I forgot all about you! Sorry, sorry. I just really haven't been in the blogging mood recently, PLUS my computer is causing me all kinds of grief. Like, since I've started writing this blog, my internet browser has gone into "not responding" mode four times already. I can feel it, my trusty laptop is finally about to reach its end. And I haven't even had it for a year yet. I'll see if I can get it fixed before it actually kicks the bucket.

So lately, my connection with God has been wearing thin. I don't feel the same passion as I did before, and I have become less than happy. Like, here's how I can explain it... During the times of my spiritual high, I am less than concerned with worldly things. I mean, I do the things that need to be done, but other than that, my life would consist of ritualistic contemplation of God's plan and His love for humanity, and a little bit of preparation for the next YFC event. That's pretty much it. And I've lost focus on that. The only time I actually return to my spiritual high is at church on sundays. And that only lasts for a good ten minutes after I leave the church.

I don't know, it's probably because I haven't been putting myself in the mood. I haven't been getting all hyped up over it lately, like I usually do. However, there is a meeting tomorrow, and I'm gonna go for God. I'm gonna go, knowing in my mind, that I'm going there to learn about Him, and praise and worship Him with other people. I've gotta stop going just for the sake of going. I think this might be my trial. This might be God's test for me. I don't plan on failing.

On a somewhat different note, I will try to remove the bad influences from my life. Some people might bring me down, and away from God, but I'm gonna stop them before that happens. I'm gonna stop them right now. It's fun talking to them, and they're really cool, but it's making me lose focus of what's really important, and that is my never-ending service to God. I'm gonna try my hardest. It's only been one night since I started, and I had to fight temptation super hard, but I prevailed in the end.

Also, something is wrong with YFC. I dunno what it is. The brothers and sisters aren't tight like we used to be. I don't know how to explain it, because it's like, floating nonchalantly underneath the radar, but it's there, and I feel it. It's either gonna cause us to erupt on eachother, or it's gonna cause us to slowly drift away from eachother. I don't know what it is, but I know that it's there. We'll have to see what happens. I'll pray about it.

- Bam

Here comes the rain.

FINALLY! After months of scorching sun and heat, and the Legend being overwhelmingly unbearable, the RAIN has come. Stupid summer lasted way too long. Hopefully I won't be eating my words in the next week or so, and the sun comes back. Agh, that would be horrible, and I'd probably stop going outside altogether.

Now, I know I'm taking a sort of odd stance on the being of the weather, because, y'know, rain and clouds = gloomy, while sun and clear skies = happy. However, not in this sense. When there's sun and clear skies, it's not supposed to get so hot, you turn black after being outside for 10 minutes, and can hardly breathe when you get into a car that's been in the sun for like half an hour, but that's what summer in my town is like. It's like, the devil somehow got a little portion of hell to occur on Earth during certain times of the year.

Hopefully it doesn't rain tonight, though. I welcome the coldness, but just don't rain on my Halloween, please.

Oh, also, it's Halloween. Haha, happy Halloween to whoever's reading this. DEUCE CREW, WHERE YOU AT!?!?

Ok, I'm done with this post, I keep getting distracted.

Oh, the weather is great.

How many times have you experienced a day where you just walked outside, breathed in the air and knew, in your mind that that day was going to be a good day? As if the sun was happy, and the breeze was playful, and the clouds were lazily content. I guess adding emotions to inanimate (as far as I know, anyways) objects gives description a little kick, but back to the point.

Today is one of those days. It's a little in the afternoon, my house is clean, and the day is looking amazing from behind the window. What we don't know is, days like this occur pretty often, we just never notice them, because we're busy with life. We're busy doing other things like school, or work, or whatever else people are doing these days. It's those moments when you actually notice, "Oh, the weather is great," that the day brightens up.

It makes me want to get up and take a walk, a drive, SOMETHING! So I can see the place that I live in. And I have to see as much as I can, before the weather changes. Before it rains, or gets too hot, or something like that. I want to see it while the weather is perfect, because I want to hold that perfect memory in my brain and when the weather does change, I can remember when the weather was great, and hope and pray for another day like that.

Today's a park kind of day. I wish I could just round up all of my friends and go to the park. All of CFC-Youth, all of the cousins I haven't seen for months, maybe years, and my whole family, and everyone else's family. And then we could have a big hang out at the park on the perfect day, with the sun gently letting its rays fall onto our gathering, and the blue sky over head. Oh man, I can only IMAGINE the Wonderful World that Ray Charles envisioned in his song.

Back to reality, though. Today is a good day. I should make the most of it. Gonna head over to Blackman and Sidekick's house later, after the high school gets out, and we'll see if I can convince Blackman to turn off the DotA and come take a walk outside in the good weather. Right after I print out my essay for Zisk, that is. Did I mention he's the best teacher in the world? Well, he is.

Alright well, that's my update right now. I'm gonna go get something to eat, and then get ready to leave.

I really don't know who the heck reads this stuff, other than Robot.M. If you ARE reading this, though, whoever you are, then I want YOU to have a good day today. Hopefully, you get done what needs to be done for the day, and hopefully you have some fun doing it. Deal? Ok.

Ahh, happiness at it's finest.

Usually, I'm never satisfied with life. Usually, I want something to happen, I wait and wish and hope and pray for something interesting to occur, because I'm either bored or sad or something of that manner. Usually, I'm stuck in a hole, or a rut, of depression, and something like a YFC event, or my friends or something makes me happy again. Usually, I'm waiting to be happy again. However, as of now, like, in this point in time, I am satisfied. I feel really chill. I'm not gonna say I'm NOT waiting for something to happen, because lately, I've been wanting to see somebody... Like, ALL the time, but that's not important. The point is, in general, I am happy with life.

A factor that could be part of my satisfaction was my great weekend. It was supah cool. I hung out with Robot.M most of the time. Saturday was good. Hung out at debut practice, and then went to Marco's super cool museum house and watched a movie. And then, I went to the Rockband Live concert (The Cab, Plain White T's, Dashboard Confessional, and P!@TD) on Sunday. That was awesome. Monday I went to church, yeah I didn't make it on Sunday, saw-ree. But anyways, Monday was like a huge session that lasted the whole day. Me, Matt, and Andjue just hung out at my house and we were just breaking like there was no tomorrow. Then at night when everybody left, I had a long talk with The Child, and then with Jay, and that was cool.

Another factor could be that I'm happy with my spiritual high. I mean, of course, it's not like camp-time high, or like NorCal assembly high, but it's pretty good. I've been very pious lately, pretty passive and mellow. Usually, I'm flamboyant, belligerent, rebellious... I guess God is telling me to calm down. And not to "lose my trousers," so to speak. I'm really happy for the newer YFC edition. Those kids are opening up like I've never seen teenagers do. They're really cool, and I think with the right guidance, they'll live the righteous path of good Christians. Or followers of God, whatever you want to call it. I like that they really were searching for a place to just let go of their problems and fears, and find courage to face their trials. And through God, the older members can help them. I guess, this is my new purpose, my new goal. I want to teach the kids, help them, let them know how I felt, and all of that will be possible with God's help. I can do it with God showing me what needs to be done.

Another thing that's been making me happy, is being able to talk to a person without restraint anymore. No more awkwardness. You know who you are, haha. I'm happy about that. Also, I saw somebody today who I hadn't seen for AGES. Abbeh!!! Yeah, her appearance today was a very good sign for me, because I'm starting to miss everybody who used to hang out at CRC with me... Y'know, SarahDonAbbyPehter!!!! Yeah, them. I'm probably forgetting somebody... But the point is, WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS!? I'm saaaaad without you. Aaaagh.

Oh well, I'm still satisfied, even though there's always something to bring me down, it's not big enough to ruin my happiness.

I guess that's it. Peace out yo.

I am inspired.

This post is like a follow up of my last one. The people that I will mention are all major inspirations, who show me God's love, and teach me so much about life and how to live it in God's light. Infinitely, I thank you, and I thank God for leading me to you, because through you, He has given me peace.

Lemme start it off...

Robot.M
More than a best friend, more than a homie, you are my brother in all but blood. I've lived for a long time without anyone who shared so many traits with me. The same music, the same jaded outlook on life, and the same eloquent vocabulary. When I first became reacquainted with you, I thought, "Hey, he's cool." Little did I know, however, you were more than cool, you would become a beacon of light within my world of emo-ness. Over the few months that I've been in your company, I have learned that life, though it is bad sometimes, can be dealt with. We can mold ourselves against the trials that God puts before us, and emerge better than we were. You are, essentially, my older brother, in that I learn from you, and idolize you, and the truth is, I strive to be just like you, because you're the coolest guy there is, and God has given me a bond with someone who I can trust and who I can look up to. God has lead me to you.

(J/G)ay
I know, I make fun of you alot, but that's only a facade, because I really AM jealous, because you're so cool, it's insane. Jay, you're like the funnest person to pick on, and yet you inspire the hearts of so many. My clusterhead. I remember telling you that you are the ideal person to idolize, because you are the best influence for any person. And truthfully, I would want to mold myself into a Jay-clone, because, when all the goofiness dies down, and all that's left is seriousness, I see a leader, I see someone dedicated to the service of God, and someone who can convey a plethora of knowledge upon the young minds who have been lead to you by God. He granted you this ability to show others His light, and I will be the first to admit that, from you, I have been shown His light. I have been shown His love. And through you, God leads me in the right direction. Through you, He "keeps me straight". Haha.

Mee-Shell aka The Child
I bet you didn't expect to see your name here, huh? Or maybe you did, and if you DID, then it just proves what I'm about to write about you.

I never expected to be able to draw so much intellect from you. Usually, our conversations consist of me asking you for a phone number, or us making fun of eachother. I thought you were all about just playing around. And then, I saw you become serious. I saw you evolve into someone different than just weird Michelle. I saw passion in its purest form, something that I don't see in everyone, or that I barely see in anyone. It's like, when you change into that state of being, you heighten to a different level, and when I see that, I become inspired. Like the shaving thing. You knew in your heart that what I was saying was wrong, and when I dared to question your faith, you did all that was possible in order to disprove me. You were determined to make me change my mind, because you just KNEW, as if God was telling you that my theory was incorrect. And for your efforts, I applaud you. And then when you showed me you had like FOURTY talks all set and prepared, I was blown away, because I never would have guessed that you, of all people, would harbor so much dedication. That, in and of itself, is truely inspiring.

Kevin D. !!!!
Yeah, not much to say about Kevin. Really, he inspires EVERYONE. As soon as you step up in front of the room to speak, we all know and anticipate something amazing to flow out of you, because you are THAT inspiring. You're like a CFC-Y Muse, spreading joy and enlightenment, and want to better oneself to the masses of people who look up to you. It's obvious why I'd mention you here, because this whole inspiration post would be incomplete without your name gracing it. I know I act a little too excited when I'm around you, but that's because you're awesome. And anyone who has ever met you would agree with me.



I guess that's it. I mean, I can write about some more people who inspire me, but there's too many, and I'm getting lazy. So, I'mma be out, yo. Peace and God Bless.

-Bam

This one's long overdue.

It's been awhile since I posted something about God and His plan and His love, and today, I got that inspiration again, to convey another message.

I was walking around, sweeping the kitchen earlier, thinking about how The Child has like a million talks already prepared within her teaching arsenal. Well, not a million, but like 40, no joke. Anyways, that got me to thinking. The Child has HELLA talks, and judging from the last one that I attended, they are well-prepared, and set up and ready to go on a moments' notice.

Since the camp I graduated from, I've been craving to spread some of my knowledge on God and how He can work through us humans in order to speak His word to everyone. Inspiration from Him can come from anywhere, from a painting, a photo, a song, a speech... All of those, generated by humans, generated by US. God gave us these gifts, not only for our sake, but because we can use them for Him as well. How many songs have you heard by Kevin Discipulo, that are God-inspired? It's amazing, isn't it? It's like, God is working artistry through a human being. Another example, how many of my blogs have you seen that are God-inspired? You see what I'm getting at?

Now, I've got another example, the most famous one. His teachings inspired masses of people, his life changed the face of the entire time line of Earth's history, and the whole population of the world along with it. And even in the present, two-thousand years later, after he was executed for blaspheming, we are still spreading his teachings to the people of the Earth. You know who I'm talking about, right?

Even though Jesus was the Son of God, he was still a human, albeit a perfect human, and God worked miracles through him. We can do the same, brothers and sisters, we have that ability, because God gave each and every one of us a brain, and speech, and as long as we can utilize them for Him, we can strike inspiration in any and all. And we HAVE, and continue to do so, two or three times a year, in bulk, for every youth camp that we host, we inspire these candidates, and it's so amazing how God works. He gave us the power and the means to inspire, AND He brings those who are desperate to receive Him to us, so that they might feel His love, and experience His presence.

That, in and of itself, is a miracle. To be able to change the lives of 30-40 kids over the course of three days. That is truly a feat of greatness, something brought on by the divine. And we don't even do it just once, no, we have the opportunity to keep GOING, keep spreading God's love, keep touching the lives and souls of these kids for God. THAT is something so unreal, we're carrying on Jesus' legacy. That's something to be more than proud of.

Now, I'll end this post with a question. Just ponder on it for a bit:

How does God inspire you, and how do you inspire others?

There's a purpose to this, and we can figure it out together.

So much vivid imagery of unreality floating in multitudes about my brain like thousands of sail-boats, meandering carelessly through the confines of my skull. I talk a lot about what goes on in my brain, but it's always vague and abstract, isn't it? I can't really describe it better than what I do now, because to me, that's really what it's like. Vague and abstract.

I've laid for hours by myself simply contemplating, never lingering on one coherent thought for too long before my mind transfers its attention to something else. I could have a whole conversation with myself. Maybe I'm going insane, eh? I feel like I should be doing something with myself. That's probably why I'm going crazy. Lack of activity, lack of daily purpose. The most obvious solution is a job, though I'm pretty sure getting hired isn't as easy as it seems. I just have to try harder. Even as I write this though, I know I'm not gonna try harder. I'm gonna forget about it, and continue having a meaningless existence, and even with encouragement, nothing's going to happen, for that's the solid truth of my life. I will not progress, ever, until I'm 30 years old, and still haven't got a job, in which case, I will gladly take my own life and suffer damnation in hell, because I will have become someone who I would greatly dislike today. Yeah, hell sounds like a good prospect for me if my situation ever comes to that.

And I know, I should probably do something about it, but I know I won't. That's just what happens, every single time. Whenever I WANT something to happen, I never try to make it happen. It's just how I am, and what I do. I don't know why, and I don't see any way to change it. No amount of encouragement or insults from anyone else can change the outcome of what always happens. I know, I have the physical and mental abilities to change what I want to be changed, but I just... Don't. I can't tell you why that is, or what the hell is wrong with me, but that's just what always happens, and it's never gonna change, ever, because I'm without hope. I know, it's unreasonable, but it is what it is. I can't do anything to stop it.

I guess I'm hopeless. That's the purpose of this post. To come to the conclusion that I am hopeless. Yeah, that's what it is. Oh well, I guess in 12 years, I'll be another 30 year old random guy on the news that blew his own brains out for no reason. Yeah.

"Relegation"

To be relegated is to be demoted into a less-influential social ranking, or in other words, to be "owned" or, in the words of the fabled homosexual (aka, Jay) to be "purchased".

The term was brought to my attention by the one and only Robot.M one day when he, Jay, and I were at McDonald's. I had attempted to make myself sneeze by sticking a rolled up napkin in one of my nostrils, but I only succeeded in tearing up. Nevertheless, it was hilarious.

The term's influence was furthered when I used it a few times, being that it was, indeed, clever, and the time in which I made use of it was fitting, but shortly after, Robot.M taught the word to my niece and nephew, and though they do sometimes get the term confused with "regulated", they still use it frequently enough for me to have heard it at least once a day.

I suppose that means that the relegation has spread throughout the fabric of my life, and has integrated itself within my daily routine. The remedy for which would be to recite a different word, or completely block it whenever I foresee its emerging from the mouths of the children, or from Robot.M.

In actuality, I don't believe the word will stick for that long. The hype surrounding it is confined only to me, my family, Jay, and Robot.M himself. Unless, of course, one of us were to advertise the term more widely than we are at current, it shouldn't become a mainstream term as many of Robot.M's other clever mannerisms have among the younger members of YFC.

Anyways, that's my post. I'm out.

- Bam.

Another day passes, more thoughts caress the insides of my brain.

Now, I don't usually dwell on past matters for longer than a month or two. Once it's over, I go on my way. I don't hold grudges, or keep lingering over it, I just... Go. However, there's this THING that's been eating me up for like six months now. That's half a year of my LIFE. And I don't think I'm gonna forget about it anytime soon. Like, this thing is here to stay, for a solid few years, and the only way I can escape it is by moving away, and I damn sure am not moving another time. I want to finally be freakin' SETTLED, man. Since I was 11, I haven't lived in one place for more than two years, and now that I'm approaching my 18th birthday in about two months, I would really, REALLY like to spend my 19th and 20th and 21st birthdays where I am right now. Here, I've found genuine friends. Everywhere else was like... Just a pit stop on the way to my current place, and I truly feel at home. I don't wanna go to a far away college, or get some job in another city... No, I want my future to be HERE, in this town, because all the years leading up to my 11th birthday, this is where I lived.

Maybe someday, I'll want to go check out the world. Take a year off and travel, explore, experience the world God has created for us. For now, though, I've done enough of that. I've been overseas, I've been all over the United States, from California to Washington D.C. I've been all over the Philippines from Manila to Boracay, and I've been to freakin' Tokyo, Japan. And none of the traveling beats settlement, here in my town. In Elk Grove. I dunno, I might move to Sac if I get my own place in a few years, but for now, Elk Grove, CA is my home.

Anyways... I went off on a tangent on that one. The whole traveling thing wasn't my concern. It's not what I've been thinking of. Haha, did I fool you? Sorry, my fault, I just had to get that outta my system... Anyways, what I've been thinking about is a secret. I don't wanna give myself away in here, though I've conveyed my thoughts upon some of my most trusted brothers. I've been thinking about it for awhile. I feel like the main character in the book that I'm currently reading (Brisingr by Christopher Paolini, Eragon series = win) in that his cause is hopeless. So basically, Eragon, from the very first book, was the biggest noob in the world. He kept getting owned left and right, so of course, that gave him a sort of inferiority complex. Wasn't until late in the 2nd book that Eragon gained supah powers, and even then he got owned by the one person he needed to beat. What a loser, right? Right. Well.....

Hm..

If I describe his other dilemma, people will know automatically what I'm talking about, and that's not the point of a secret, yeah? I dunno, I guess I'm embarrassed about it. Dunno if I should be blogging about this anymore, haha. Well, read Eragon, and you'll see what I'm talking about. He has this thing with Arya. Oh man, Eragon gets owned. FIRST she scrapes him in battle, because y'know, elves are far more superior to humans. But even AFTER he gets his super powers, he gets owned. Not in battle, but in a different way. Oh man, I just noticed how many times Eragon gets put in his place in this series, it's like... The whole world is depending on him, but he's the weakest guy ever, hahahaha. Well, yeah, you'll get it if you read the book. You might even call me a fool and slap me. Haha. Yeah.

Refrain from yelling, please.

An invisible sign hung up on the front door, an assumed rule, a figurative knowledge, a silent agreement, a non-existent yet implied law.

"Don't yell."

But I can't contain myself! The emotions within me are pounding in my throat to be released, and I have to scream them at the top of my lungs, lest I EXPLODE in a catastrophic inferno of both anguish and joy, all mixed into one jumble of a fireworks display. Or break down into a puddle of lost dreams, be reduced to ash, become a shell of my former self.

Patience, Bam, your time will come. For I am still unable to form words from what I feel, because I fear that the extent of my vocabulary is unable to comprehend everything that passes through my mind and heart. It's like trying to describe how much I love God in all His splendor. Impossible. Because the emotions are limitless. LIMITLESS. As are the ideas. Overwhelming idealistic knowledge flowing through my mind like a sea of thought and conclusions.

And it's not just ME with these capabilities, no! It's everyone! Everyone has the ability to generate artistry and inspiration as easily as me, it's just that they don't focus on it, or they doubt the existence of this capability. Your minds are limitless, unchecked, and FREE. Use them!

As I will use mine. Take down the invisible sign, because the world MUST KNOW what I'm thinking. And I MUST KNOW what you're thinking too! Let's hear it! SCREAM YOUR EMOTIONS! Whether they be pained or happy, inspiration can be derived from both, and I want to be INSPIRED.

Wishin' to be the friction in yer jeeeaaans.

Man, a line like that makes so much sense, but when I thought about it, Fall Out Boy's target audience was teenagers. If I told a thirty year old that line, from that song, they wouldn't appreciate it like I do. You know, because I care about stupid puppy-love relationships like that. I dunno, for the longest time, I've been unsure as to whether I care that I'm a fat single guy or not, and I've so far come to a point where I wanna shoot myself.

Damn you, fat. Damn you. If only it was gone. If only. And y'know, I don't understand it, even Robot.M said just today, "Man, you're freakin active, how come you're still fat?" And I really don't know. I don't sit on my ass all day, and I don't even eat super insanely. So why does my weight stay the same every week? I think I have to work harder, or something. So, here's my promise to myself, and to everyone I know and love... I wanna lose weight to the point of it being physically noticeable, by the end of Spring semester. I'm taking weight training this semester, so that should help out. I'll take it again next semester too.

Ahh, I seriously think that's all that's hindering me from a girlfriend. And don't tell me I have low self-esteem, you know it's true, because it's damn straight not my personality... Or it could be that too, but then that makes it two things that are undesirable about me. Agh, alright, I'll pray about it too, this is how serious I am. I'm freakin willing to call on GOD to empower me. I just want to at least be NOT over 200 pounds anymore. Jeeze. Ok, that's my goal. And whoever I know that reads this, please please please encourage me. If you see me eating bad, tell me not to. Aaaaand... This is gonna be hard, but I am going to give up fast food until I am less than 200 pounds. And I ask all of my friends/brothers and sisters in Christ... REGULATE ME. Do it. I give permission.

Inspiration from confrontation. (Part 2)

So the earlier post was just the story... None of how I feel, which is my usual game, so this part is what that's gonna be. I'm gonna say a few things beforehand, though. I've held off from cursing alot lately, and it's built up to the point of leaking above the threshold. So, sorry if I do it a little bit right now. Truly sorry.

Anyways... So, my thoughts right now are jumbled. I'm angry in general, it's like my old self has returned for a few hours. I feel like flipping off somebody who can cause me physical harm because I don't care what happens to me as long as I'm able to piss somebody off as much as I'm pissed off right now. I know, it contradicts my whole usual pious nature, but there's always that line that can be crossed, and tonight, the line has been run over. I really think I suffer from implosive anger, because it only comes out in bursts built up over months and months of charging. It's like I want to punch a random person in the face, but then right after I'll be sorry and help the dude back up. I think I should just go to sleep. Yeah. But I have to do the dishes first. Fuck me sideways.

Inspiration from confrontation.

So, two minutes ago, I was looking through my house phone's recent calls, wondering who I wanted to talk to, and it dawned on me that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to talk to myself, and the best way to do that is, tadaa, blog about it. So now I've come to this, my computer screen. Lemme tell you about my day today, yeah?

It started out with me waking up at 8 o' clock in the morning. Everyone had left, and it was just me, chilling at home by myself. I was playing an online game called DoMo. Anyways, around 11-12, my doorbell rang, and I went out to see who it was. This white guy, wearing a white tall tee and jeans told me a bit about himself, according to his story, he had just moved in to the neighborhood, and he was with a landscaping company. Probably a family thing I thought to myself, he's just trying to make some honest money. I told him that I was sorry, but the Mexicans had already claimed our lawn (I didn't really say that, but it's the truth), and he politely apologized for wasting my time, and left. Back inside my house, I went, to play more DoMo.

About thirty minutes after my ordeal with the landscaping guy, I hear a loud crash, as if a window had been broken. Now, I was sitting in my living room, and the crash came from my neighbor's house, which was but a few feet away from where I was sitting. I could have easily gotten up off the sofa, went into my backyard and checked it out. But I didn't. I ignored it as an accident, the people were probably home, and they were doing some crazy stuff and broke the window themselves. You see the foreshadowing, right?

So Robot.M comes over, he starts breaking in my kitchen, we hang out for awhile, and then we go out with Blackman, Sidekick, and The Child to Peony Palace for some Chinese food/Mongolian barbecue. It's good, we have a good time, and then we head over to Blackman and Sidekick's house where I did a fourth of my essay on Wal-Mart, and The Child and I had a debate on the validity of my last blog entry (we'll get into that another time). So pretty much, we hang out until night time, and it's dark outside, and Robot.M breaks up the argument between me and The Child by feigning his intent on leaving. Eventually we actually DO leave, however, and we make it to my house. We're talking for a little bit in the car outside of my house, and some random guy informs me that my neighbors have been robbed. I go outside and tell the guy what I saw and heard, and Robot.M and The Child begin ridiculing me for not preventing it.

Ridiculing me to the point of frustration, enough that I would raise a middle finger at both of them while they sat in the car. I entered my house despite their apologies, and closed the door behind me, intent on being angry the rest of the night, and most of the next morning. Robot.M promptly called me on my house phone to apologize again, and I was calm by then, though I really didn't want to accept. It wasn't even my fault, I'm just not a hero. Sorry.

And this isn't the first time those two have teamed up to make me feel bad about myself. The last time was a more serious subject, though, and that night I couldn't help but let the tears fall. I even called my best homie, and she talked to me about it. I wasn't mad at them, though. I was more mad at myself. Like now. I could have done something. I could have dialed 911, called the cops, went out to investigate the house myself, and I probably wouldn't have even had to fight anybody, the guy probably would have just ran away if I saw him. Yeah, my fault. Sorry neighbors, I'm horrible. And they got their shit jacked. Hella stuff. I could have prevented that. But I didn't.

Man, the bible is funny.

Hey, don't shave your facial hair or cut your sideburns. It's against the bible, AHAHA.

Don't believe me? Freakin read it, Leviticus 19:27.

Yeah, that's right, that's REALLY what it says in the BIBLE.

Obviously, I do not follow what the bible says. My reasoning as to why? The bible is imperfect. And before you go all, "but how can you say that, Bam!? You quote the bible all the time!" I'll say this: The bible is imperfect because human beings wrote it, and not God Himself, and being as humans are imperfect, anything they create is imperfect, including that book that we base our whole religion upon, our whole belief system. Which means, we CAN pick and choose what we want to see from the bible, because like anything that's imperfect, it has good and bad points. So yes, to a certain degree, I follow the bible and its teachings, but I also remember to take everything in it with a grain of salt.

To make things more simple, I believe in GOD, not in BIBLE. The two things are not synonymous, and one of them is Earth-made, not divine in nature, and has not touched my heart and soul and caused me to cry out in joy of the glory of His name. Sure the bible does teach some morals, and it says some amazing things about our Lord, and it has so much inspiration written into its pages, but that doesn't mean it is always right. It's still imperfect, it's still created by humans. Yes, it is inspired by God, it is brought on by His light, but through humans. Through imperfections. And that makes it imperfect.

You can argue that my reasoning is too "logical" because the dealings of God aren't supposed to be logical, they're supposed to be spiritual, but I don't believe God wants my eyes to be closed. I don't believe God wants me to be so narrow-minded that I am damn near blinded. Yes, I do serve God with single-mindedness, but I serve him by making myself better, and expanding my knowledge and that includes not being near sighted. Not being selective in what I learn, and not only listening to one thing, unless that thing be God Himself.

So I'll end this thing with a different bible verse, one that holds actual meaning.

"When wisdom enters into your heart and knowledge itself becomes pleasant to your very soul, thinking ability itself will keep guard over you, discernment itself will safeguard you."
Proverbs 2:10-11

And in this case, I have been safeguarded from bad hygiene. I think it's time for a shave.

- Bam.

Oh, it is love.

Though he knew exactly, the chain of events that had lead to this moment, recorded by date and time in his brain, in that very situation, at the very second, he couldn't remember, for the life of him, why he was about to do what he was going to do. His brain could not formulate actual thoughts, but instead was a jumble of emotions. He felt passionate, true, legitimate, and sincere love for the woman that was sitting across from him. He stared into her eyes, pools of wondrous joy that radiated so brightly whenever he was with her, because whenever he was with her, he was truly happy. And he knew, that his decision on that night was the right one, the ONLY one that made any sense.

He felt anxious... Nervous. The tingles that moved down his spine and throughout his body made him feel like he was freezing from the inside out. His mouth was dry, and he almost forgot what he was doing, but he had come into the moment prepared. He knew the general outline of what to say, but proceeding in theory was much different than proceeding in actuality.

The atmosphere was perfect. Smooth jazzy romantic music was playing in the background, and they were sitting in a five star restaurant, full from steak and salmon. The opportune moment seemed to be right then. He took a deep breath in to calm his nerves, but even as he exhaled, he knew he would still end up stuttering, and fumbling in his speech.

Silently, he stood up from his seat, and his soulmate, his other half, his LIFE stared at him with a strange look, though in the back of her head, she knew what was coming. Solemnly, he walked around the table to her, and took her hand in his, bending down onto one knee and placing his lips gently on he knuckles. Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked in bewilderment, amazement, and unlimited happiness.

He reached slowly into his pocket and withdrew a tiny box, and to confirm her fears and her anxiety, a diamond ring sat inside of the box as it was opened. His mouth was moving, but neither of them knew exactly what he was saying, so they both went off of the general assumption of the moment. All she could reply with was a slight nod, and both of their dreams came true on that night.

They couldn't stop smiling at each other, and they couldn't stop the joyful tears from flowing down their faces. Love was definitely in the air on that night, and both of them savored the feeling as if they had been starving for it for months and months. They could barely hear the applause rising up from the tables surrounding them, as they embraced each other, arms wrapped around the other as if they were permanently intertwined, and forever from that moment, their souls would remain in that loving embrace.

Bah.... Ram, Ewe.

I honestly think something is missing in my life right now. I have no idea what it is, though. I mean, I'm not sad or anything, it's just that there's something that's not there. YFC is all good, life in general is all good, but I can't help but wonder what the heck that biting, itching, annoying little missing piece is.

I really can't put my finger on it. I mean, it's not that big of a deal, it's just that every night when I get home from being happy with all the people that I love, and am the most comfortable with, I feel like I should be doing something. I think this blog is totally supplementing for that feeling, but it's still not enough to fill in the gap.

It might just be me, though, maybe I have too much fun when I'm out, and I wanna do it some more.

Also, I've been really craving romantic animes lately. I don't know why, I think it has something to do with the whole "incomplete" feeling. I think it's because at one point, I watched dramatic romance animes all the freakin time, and I got this fuzzy feeling in my gut. I mean, I don't wanna sound gay, but man, romance is perhaps the most beautiful genre that was ever created in like... Life.

I don't mean like stupid, predictable, cliche romance (e.g. Twilight), but like... Ah! My Goddess, or Love Hina. Y'know, romance that makes you want to squeal with glee like an eleven year old school girl talking about Orlando Bloom, or whoever the eleven year old school girls are squealing about these days. Is it Zac Efron? I dunno, but whatever. Point is, I gather SO MUCH inspiration from stories like that.

Those kinds of stories make me want to know more about each and every character. I wanna know the backstory, what happens after the series is over, etc... And they give me this feeling where I'm like, "Wow, is that even possible?" Until it eventually gets to the point where I'm like, "I want that to be reality." And it wouldn't even matter if it happened to me, personally, as long as I was able to witness something so amazing.

Usually in these animes, the person finds their soul mate, and it happens so coincidentally, and most of the time, accidentally. And it's crazy because the chances are so slim, but by some divine magnetic force, they are able to find one another, and if occurrences like that actually happened in reality, it would be so amazingly beautiful. It would epitomize the definition of beauty. As if God lead them to each other.

I think I found what's missing after all.

Random bible verse + explanation/theory.

"Better is the end of a thing than its beginning.
and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit."
Ecclesiastes 7:8

I suppose the meaning of this verse is "good things come to those who wait." Or in other words, you will hail more fortune if you are patient.

In the rest of Ecclesiastes, chapter 7, the writings talk about how you need to witness or go through trials in order to become better. To quote more of it, the bible reads:
-"Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face, the heart is made glad" (verse 3)

-"The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth." (verse 4)

So basically, what this chapter is trying to say is that, by undergoing sadness and trials, we become wiser, better, stronger people than before, and that is apart of God's love. In a more adolescent defiant way to put it, all of our major trials in life, everything that we go through, it is all the work of God. He is picking on us. Not to derive pleasure from our anguish, but rather, to level us up. To make us more worthy to receive Him, and that's our goal. It is to better ourselves that we serve God, correct? It is why we are in YFC, right? Then, take heed God's love, for sometimes, God's love can come in the "tough" variety. And for those who think that what you're going through is too much, know that it will never be too much, because God will not give you a trial that is more than human to accomplish, He will only give you what you can handle, so remember that no matter what, no matter how down you're feeling, or how close you are to giving up: Whatever you are going through, no matter what it may be, you have the capability to get through it, whether by yourself or with the help of others, you CAN make it through.

I am... Torn.

So, contemplation and thought have once again taken a hold of me, and the subject of quitting YFC, or "going inactive" has been rolling around thunderously in my head. It's not that I have anything against the people, or any of that, it's just that I think it takes too much of my time, and YFC is not God. I can still worship Him without being apart of a group. And after the whole ordeal with me being unable to bounce back after the last retreat. I just don't want to feel sad anymore, because that's what leaving camp did to me. I felt incomplete, and aimless, and I really can't keep living that way. I can't keep craving for YFC events, and not focusing on my own life. I have to work to better myself, right? That's our whole thing, our belief, right? Well what if YFC is what's stopping me from being better? Doesn't that mean I should leave? Doesn't that mean I should stop whatever is stopping me?

And yet, I've grown so much through this youth group. I was lifted up from dark depths that I thought were inescapable. YFC made me happy. Now, however, though it does still make me happy in certain ways, it also makes me sad, and I've become so absorbed in it, that I've hindered myself. I do admit, YFC has taught me so much, and showed me the way to God, and forced me to accept His love with all my heart, and for that I am so, so thankful. Sometimes, though, there comes a time when one must move on. I'm torn between my decision. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I should turn to God, and let Him show me the way. I'm confused... I really need some help.

Yawn.

It is with a sense of disappointment that I post this addition to my blog today. Multiple reasons why, but the most prominent one is that, I have no contact methods to reach this girl who I wanna talk to, which makes me sad. Also, I am somewhat tired, having been at school since 9am today, and the time is coming upon 6:30pm. And I didn't even have class today, how wack is that? Pretty wack. I'm just waiting for Mr. Abero to finish up his English class, and we'll see where the road takes us. I'm gonna look for the girl's number as soon as I get home, or maybe call somebody different. I'll leave it up to God what happens.

In other news, the retreat withdrawal has begun for me. I want it to happen again, REALLY soon, leastwise, I be rendered schizophrenic due to lack of spiritual high. Man, YFC really is like crack, and I'm freakin addicted. My highlight of the week will be the next meeting, and after that, I'll cease to exist mentally until the next meeting comes. I guess I'll just pray... Hard. And maybe that'll satiate my hunger for God's love, even though that defeats the whole purpose of God's love because it's supposed to be constant. Bah, whatever. I'm out, peace.

One weekend, over fourty changed lives.

There are no words I can use to describe the feeling I achieved when I saw the change... The metamorphosis of the new candidates at this past weekend's retreat. God, with all his love, and all his grace, came down into that building in Marysville, right in the middle of the boondocks, and reached into the hearts and souls of each and every candidate, for the first time. I saw their tears, and I saw their sincerity, and their joy, and I suddenly realized the unrelenting might and influence of God. And from that realization, from that epiphany, from that enlightenment, I was shocked into a state of awe at Him, and by Sunday's worship, the same tears of joy were rolling down my own face, even though I had already experienced a retreat, even though I already knew God's love, I felt it there, more than ever, except this time, instead of that fleeting excitement that I felt for God, instead of the need to exclaim my experience to the world like before, I feel calm. A sense of blissful peace. I know now what worship is.

Before, I would scream my lungs out to God with every song, and let my physical body go wild in order to achieve the sense of passion that I'm supposed to have, but now, all I have to do is raise my hands and say a few words of prayer, and I feel God touching my soul, I feel Him consuming me, and it is such an amazing experience. It's like nothing else.

I do admit, I felt doubt for myself, and I questioned my own ability to provide service for God, but that was before I realized that it wasn't about ME, it wasn't MY ability, it was God, it was Jesus Christ doing everything there in that camp, doing all those things and showing the candidates His light. Not us, not the service team. We were USED as catalysts to ignite the flame in the candidates' hearts, but we were not igniting it ourselves, that was the work of God, and I saw Him in each and every single one of those candidates, I felt their joy, I felt God's love radiating through them, and it was at that moment that I realized: my service, my purpose, my life... was complete.

This is why God lead me to this youth group, why He lead me to CFC-Youth. It's why He lead me to this girl who would later on become my sister, who introduced me to the cluster head, who invited me to the retreat, and God also stuck in a certain girl who I'd have a crush on, and though it's not my reason for serving through YFC anymore, I'll admit that for that very first camp, it was my motivation for going, and maybe a stupid crush was what it took to get me hooked onto God's love. And He was so subtle, I didn't notice until now. I didn't realize the whole series of events that occurred, the line of catalysts that would eventually lead me to camp, and it felt so natural. I had only known these people, these veteran YFC members, for TWO MONTHS, and they were already my brothers and sisters, I already loved them. It only took TWO MONTHS to get that, to incorporate myself into their ranks. And now I realize, it was God. It was God who told me to be comfortable around them, it was God, who made them accept me. It was all apart of His plan. And now, I'm here, in my new life, helping God show the people what He showed me.

All the candidates who attended this past CFC-Youth retreat are now my brothers and sisters in Christ. I just pray, with all my heart and soul, that they find their inner peace as I have. That they find God's plan for them, and that they follow it as He wills it to be. And I pray that the next camp will be as successful, if not more successful than this one. And with that, I'll end this post.

Just remember this:
We don't need to be at a retreat to go full potential, so give praise and worship without any restraint.

- Bam.

mmm watercream.

So, when I'm at home at night, and I'm bored with nothing to do, I like to create random deserts. Some nights, I make s'mores, other nights, I make milk shakes, other nights, my niece bakes cakes and brownies and cookies and such. Tonight, however, I noticed that we had ice cream, but no milk, and the first thing I thought was: water.

So, I stick ice cubes, ice cream, sugar, and water into a blender and create a strange liquid that I have dubbed "watercream", because it tastes like water that has been sweetened with ice cream. And technically, that's exactly what it is. It's somewhat ok tasting. Not better than milkshake by far, but it's acceptable. I won't make it ever again, though, too much of a hassle churning the freakin blender because the stuff just won't blend. Whatevs.

I need to find better ways to entertain myself. Hah.

Ahhh, epiphanies are awesome.

So, I am pretty happy, as of last night. Actually very happy. I've achieved an acceptable situation with somebody, and I have realized that I am content enough now, because we're genuine friends.

Yeeeaaap. Also, camp is coming... It's RIGHT THERE. I can TASTE IT. Aaaaahhhh, man, plus my happiness from life in general is like the icing on top of the YFC cake, yo. Whew, life is pretty freakin' dope right now.

It's like chili pie with sour cream, and grape drink. HAHA, JAMES TEJADA IS AMAZING... Because of chili pie. And because he's leet. Yeap.

Alright, I'm out. Peace.

- Bam Bam

Ahh, so here it is.

I'm afraid I've returned, again, to a more dreary subject in these blog posts. It's just that, I can't hold it in. Have to say something somewhere, and by putting it here, I'm pretty much telling everyone. This thing... We'll call it a monster, has been eating me up for the past few weeks or so. And it's stupid of me to keep letting it destroy me, because I've got no hope of beating it. So the only option is to flee.

I have to run away from it, because I won't get anywhere with it. I won't advance my state, I won't become better at anything. I might be happy, that's only a 50/50 chance, even AFTER the 0 percent chance of actually succeeding. And so, here, I'll declare it. Something that may be a little harsh, but also necessary, and it could do great things for me.

I don't wanna see you anymore.

Simple, plain. And you won't really notice anyways. I'm not even close to you. And with that, I've taken the option to flee. To ignore the monster. Let it remain itself, and I'll just hide from it. Retract. This is the only way I can save myself from complete annihilation. This way, I can focus on myself. So now, whenever I'm near you, I'll just look away.. Pretend you're not there. Yeah.

Stabbity death.

So, for awhile, I've been contemplating what I want to do with my life. A career path, so to speak, because I'm not attending college for no reason. Eventually, I will have to choose the activity that I will have to repetitively perform over the course of the remaining years of my life, and so far, "Ocean Hermit" is the most attractive looking job title.

I could collect thousands of empty plastic containers (e.g. milk cartons, water bottles, detergent dispensers, etc.), string all of them together, and create a giant raft. On the raft, I could have fruit trees for food, and I would simply float around the Aegean sea, carelessly, landing on one of the various islands if I ever need supplies. That would be blissful freedom for me. I think I actually am destined to become a hermit, eventually.

Perhaps practice Buddhism, and attempt to find my own inner peace and enlightenment, so that I might connect myself more powerfully with God in heaven.

Alright, that's my new life goal. To be able to meditate all day, and to become a hermit somewhere. Either mountain or ocean hermit. Whichever way I get it (and that's probably by getting a substantial amount of money, because rich people hang out ALL day), that is the goal I strive to achieve. Yeah, I have the coolest ideas for myself.

Well, that's just depressing.

So, I've been using this blog as a sort of haven to drop all of my trials and tribulations on, and to explain, subtly, my current situations, and I'm afraid I've arrived in a rut, because I've no material for any bright and happy posts lately. Most of my problems generate from my own craving (pertaining to the last blog entry). I feel drained lately. Unfocused. And I go against what my two most trusted consolidators tell me. And, though I know, in my mind, that they are right, in my emotional pool of senses, I can't do what they tell me, because subconsciously, I believe that they are wrong.

Perhaps I am simply dense, and unable to comprehend, but I have been unable to comprehend for months now, while my mind is usually analytical enough to make sense of things after a small bit of repeating. The turmoil within my mind is a chaotic blur, and I'm afraid my sanity may be in jeopardy. Unfortunately enough, the only one who can act as my savior, is neither aware, nor willing to be so.

The definition of old dreams.

As I recall, in my last blog, I said something about old dreams. It's been keeping me down for the past two or three days, and I just can't seem to stop thinking of it, like, say, if I was a cocaine addict, and all of a sudden all the drugs were taken away from me... I go into withdrawal, but eventually come out ok, but that tiny little itch. That microcosmic craving is still there, in the back of my head. The addiction never went away completely, it's just that my brain is strong enough to resist it now, because I understand that it's bad. Except in this situation, if I really did get a taste of that cocaine again, it wouldn't harm me. No, it'd do good for me, it's just that the drug dealer doesn't like me very much.

Man, I make good analogies.

Anyways, I don't think I'm gonna ever get over the craving, so I'll just wait until the drug dealer has a change of heart about me. Maybe peek around for some other people selling drugs. You never know, they could have some better cocaine... Or heroine. Addictive substance connotations, FTW.

Peace and love for EVERYONE!

So I wanted to write a blog, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "I can't break!!" Well, sort of. I can six-step! But that's not impressive. I'm working on this freeze where I roll backwards and then pop up onto my shoulder, and the side of my head. It's actually pretty alright so far. I'll fix it and make it clean eventually. And then I'll be almost dope. Too bad I have absolutely no power whatsoever. Which is wack. Then again, I'll just get a partner who has crazy power skills, and then we shall be amazing.

In other news, school started for me today. Soc 300 with Paul Zisk. There are three things that I noticed about this class. The first is, Paul Zisk is, perhaps, the coolest teacher I have ever been acquainted with in my friggen life. He's like, awesome, and he made me wish that every teacher was like him. Psh, yeah right. The second thing is, the class is semi-easy, and I'm pretty sure I can pass with at least a B, without having to put too much effort into it. And the third thing is, school is pretty cool if you're one to make it cool, and I am one of those people.

Also, I saw a bunch of my old friends from High School that just graduated. Oh man, they're in for a big treat in college. I say this because college is far more superior in greatness than High School, I don't care who you are or what you think, if you disagree with me, you are wrong. Period.

I was also semi-pissed at life earlier, because I kept losing in DotA to the computer. It was 2 on 1, gimme a break, if I played 1 on 1, the game would no longer be called DotA, it would be called BamBam wins. And anyways, it's just a game. A GAME THAT RUINS MY LIFE. I'm gonna play again right after this post, and piss myself off again when I lose... Again.

And on a more personal note, I think some old dreams have come back to haunt me. And I don't mean the kind you have when you're sleeping, if you catch my drift. I dunno, I wanna forget about it, but it feels kinda good, just thinking about it, even if it'll never come true. Either I'm an idiot, or I'm a genius. Either way, whether or not it does or does not go in my favor, I'll still sit here until it does, or another opportunity arises. I guess I'm saying I'll wait for it. God will decide for me.

Anyways, until next time,
-Bam


P.S. Mortal Kombat vs. DC Heroes? I am super psyched for this game. Gonna get it for my Xbox 360, if I have monies when it comes out.

This is my purpose...

First post in a long time. My last blog pretty much epitomizes the attitude that I once held for the world. Unlimited amounts of contempt, balled up nicely into a ticking bomb of anger, sarcasm, and profanity. I'm sort of glad that that phase of my life is over, though I still find what I used to write pretty funny.

It's actually been awhile since I've felt the urge to rant about anything. The problem is, I don't feel the need to anymore. I don't feel like raising my voice in contempt, and in actuality, my word really isn't heeded anyways. Now, in substitution for contempt, I have glee. In substitution for anger, I have bliss, and though I still retain my knowledge, I have gained something more. I have gained just a smidgen of wisdom, and it is that wisdom that keeps me on the relaxed side of the aggravation spectrum.

And it's funny, because I attained such wisdom from God. Not to say that I have one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but I have been blessed with maturity, even though before, I thought that I was way beyond my years, I was still trapped by my own ignorance. That's done now, time to move on.

About four months ago, in April, I attended a youth retreat run by a certain organization entitled, "CFC-Youth For Christ". It was there, at the retreat, that I discovered something that had been missing in my life, that I didn't realize. I thought it was simply my nature to be angry or sad all the time. Never have I felt good about life. There was always something wrong, something major, and every single day, I grieved for myself. I couldn't imagine a time where I knew everything was going to be alright, where I had hope that everything would eventually straighten itself out. Not until I went to the retreat.

Now, I knew most of the camp servers quite well already. They were friends from school, or just people that I knew. That fateful weekend, they became my brothers and sisters in Christ. And not only that, but they also became my teachers, my idols, my mentors, and my inspiration. Even though a few of them were younger than me. They showed me a new passion, something that I could firmly believe in, wholeheartedly, without having to hold back anything. They showed me God, and now I can see Him as vividly as I can see the sky, or the clouds within them, or the green grass carpeting the ground. I can see.

And in those four months, I've done SO MUCH! If I hadn't joined, I would be 40 lbs. heavier by now, haha. And now approaches my turn to be a server. To be some guy, who will become someone's brother. To inspire another as I have been inspired, and show the new candidates something they've probably never seen before, and I have come to the realization that this is my calling, this is what I am here for, at least for now, it could change in the future, but for NOW, I am here to spread the love of God to those who are still hungry for it. And I will do so, knowing in my mind, that I am predestined to do it, that God has chosen me and handed me this charge.

I am ready.