Disco boogie. Haha.

Another camp has passed. Another three days of bliss. Oh, was it amazing. I can tell you that I want to be different now. Where I was fake before, I want to be real. Where I was flamboyant and showy before, I want to make subtle. Where I procrastinated, I want to accomplish. It's a strange and utterly terrifying feeling, to not sense God's presence. During worship, no matter how loud you cry for Him to reveal Himself to you, He doesn't show up. It's like sitting in a dark abyss, without any hope of ever again seeing the light of day. No rescue is coming, no one knows where you are. You are completely alone in the world, and all of your bones are broken so you can't even save yourself.

That's how it feels when God's not there. When He doesn't see you. And literally, all you are able to do is pray the hardest you are able to pray, so that He would come back to you. So that He would see you again. And that's what I did, and being a forgiving God, I could feel Him again, and I knew then and there that even if I doubt His existence, no matter what sins I commit, even if my mindset isn't completely focused on Him as it should be, God forgives me, because He loves me. All of this within the course of a half-hour. Oh me oh my, am I blessed. So so so so blessed to have attended that camp. I needed it. It showed me I wasn't just Bam. I was BAM!!! With exclamation points, if that makes any sense. Hahaha.

It also showed me what I needed to improve on. I know, I won't become Super Pious Man in a day, but I can with time. And eventually, I will be. First, I'll start with me. I do a lot of stuff just to be cool, not really because I am passionate about it. I like to dance and sing and guitar, but really, I don't do those things because I actually feel PASSION for it. I just do it because I want to be cool. I want people to see me doing it and they can tell me that I'm soo good, so I can feel better about myself. But no more. I do have these abilities, but I don't want to use them so that others will see me. I want to use them because I just want to. I want to be humble, I suppose. Yeah, that's a good word for it.

I want to become a better brother as well. I want the sisters to look up to me, and come to me when they need something, because I want to be that provider. Anything that I can give them, anything within my abilities, and I want to make myself a wise enough person so that I might be able to show them things they've never seen, give them advice that they need. And in order to do that, I have to drop my passive and playful attitude. I mean, I know it's alright to play around sometimes, but I give off the vibe of complete carelessness. Really, I do care, I DO I DO I DO, so much more than anybody knows, or thinks. I just want to become a role model for the younger brothers, and a rock for the sisters. And that's my duty.

That's all for now, there's other things, other steps that I must take in order to better myself, but I'm not completely sure what they are yet. In time, God will reveal them to me, but until then, Peace and Love for everybody.

- Bam