Decembeard. HAHAHA.

This is log 26... And the days are blurring together.

LMAO oh my goodness Avatar has got me hooked on some other kind of stuff. Those damn Na'vi. Anyways, foreal, I want to see it again. With you. Actually, I want to see it multiple times with you. 100 times. Haha. Well, I'd like to see ANYTHING with you. Or do anything with you. Even if it's nothing. I'd love to do nothing with you. As long as it's with you, I'm happy.

I'm thinking about trying the whole courting thing. I know I'll probably suck at it, but you never know. I've been one to do miraculous things when I put my full heart into it. I still gotta plan it out alot more though. And get more money, because you can't get trained doves for free.

Haha, yeah, like I would go that far. Maybe if I was proposing, I would, but it's not THAT serious.

I think I'm gonna do the M&M thing, with the orange and stuff. And flowers with it. Oh MAN, that'd be tight. But then it's all about timing, when do I present it? No idea.

Valentine's day? I'm impatient, haha. But that would be better. I need moneys first anyways. Alright. Plan is set, I know what I wanna do. But then there's a matter of what I should say... Agh. I think I'll write giant notecards and let her read them. Like Love Actually. OH SNAP. I'm a boss. Ok, here we go. Thanks blogspot, hahahaha.

You could be my drug dealer girl.

So, Discovery camp is over. I'm doing pretty good. YFC events just don't have the same effect on me as they used to. Of course, I still love them, and I still gain something from every single one of them, but it's just a different feeling. I wasn't excited beforehand. And I wasn't really enlightened. It was an amazing camp, and everything. I just think I've become numb to those experiences. I mean, after so many of them, it's like I'm just kinda... There.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel the Holy Spirit. And I am so thankful that I was able to go, but there's just no after effect like there used to be. It's just not a new thing to me anymore. I mean, I wasn't disappointed or anything. The camp wasn't bad in any way shape or form. To the contrary, it was great. It's just me that's boring. Haha.

Yeah, but that's just more of an update. I got other news. Obviously, the title of this post is contradictory to a YFC camp theme. Haha. Yeah. Anyways, here we go. I'm about to switch up my writing style, so sorry if this is weird.

I'd like to apologize if I'm addicted to what you got. Even though I know of course, that it's not narcotics you're dealing. You don't push drugs, because that's not like you. No, you're holding something so much more addicting than a pill or a plant. You're holding swag. Dealing beauty. Pushing influence. I got no idea how you got me so hooked on you. You got something so potent, you don't even need hallucinogens for me to feel like I'm hallucinating. Maybe I'm just going crazy, but I do understand something. And if anything, it's that you GOT something. Maybe a pheromone, that I might catch your scent. Or maybe it's just how you are, but I know that whatever you're doing. You're doing it right. And I'm falling into your trap. Because what you got makes me willing to do ANYTHING to get to it.

And the thing is, I know that no amount of money can buy what you got. I can't just purchase something to make you hand over the goods. And in any event, that's not even what you deserve. You need something - no, someONE - who will TRY. And that's me. Definitely, that's me. I'll try. Because I want what you got, and I'll find out what you like, hopefully, if I try hard enough. You'll be addicted to me.

For reference, go on youtube and listen to Drug Dealer Girl by Mike Posner. Awesome song.

WOOSH!

I'm bored. Nobody's online and I'm still debating whether I should eat or not, so that means I have time to blog about something.

What sucks is, I don't know what. Well maybe I do.

I'm excited for lent. I have no idea why. Just giving stuff up and watching everybody else struggle with their promises is pretty fun. And you get to experience things. Like a pile of honey walnut shrimp WITHOUT rice. Hahahaha. That was such a bad experience. But it had to be done.

I'm not very excited for Christmas, though. You know when you pass that age of recieving gifts, and then transist into the age of giving gifts? Yeah, that's where I am. Supah lame. I mean, celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ is great. Unfortunately for my family, Christmas is not a religious time in the least bit. It IS family time, don't get me wrong, but it has nothing to do with religion. I'll just keep my faith strong for them, even if they aren't focused on the real "bigger picture."

What else is on my brain? Oh right, black friday. Oh my freakin lord it's gonna suck so badly on black friday. Usually it's a fun time, but that's only if you don't work in a retail store. I'm gonna have to clean. The whole freakin time. And there's no excuses either. I have to clean and make it freakin PERFECT, or else my day will be done. I think I can manage though, if I just concentrate on cleaning, forget about the customers and let my co-workers handle all the other aspects of my job, I should be fine. That's why we're a TEAM. I'm gonna eat so much on Thanksgiving. Just to make my time at work on black friday more pleasant. I can think about the meal I had the day before, and it'll all be ok. Hopefully. Ugh.

What else is there?

I dunno. I'm getting kinda hungry now so I guess I'll end this thing with a pop and a bang.

And a fizzle into oblivion.

Kay bye.

Gives You Hell / Buddy

I never expected to be stricken so easily. Especially after that last debacle. It's like I feel fresh. In slanguage and proper English. I thought the last one was the last one and that was that, and I'd just have to live with it, but apparently not. I guess the truth of what I've been seeking is that the heart is both vulnerable and fickle. One day it might look east, to the sunrise, but the sunset in the west is just as beautiful. Unfortunately for me, beauty is always the basis of my downfall. I won't accomplish anything lingering on the past and the mistakes I've so naively fell into. It's over and done with. What's lost is lost, but what could be gained is so prospective.

This post was short, but it's good enough for me.

Dashboard Confessional
"Truth be told, I miss you.
Truth be told, I'm lying."

Musiq Soulchild
"Girl it would be fly,
If you were my B-U-D-D-Y."

Those lyrics mostly sum up how I am. Hah. Alright suckas, peace out.

Did you choose right?

I remember asking you if you wanted to really be my friend and you said yes. You said it mattered to you, and that you cared. What sucks is that you don't understand what a friend is. I don't really feel like making stupid metaphors right now, so I'll just get right to the point.

All you care about is the stuff I do for you. I offer to take you to the mall and spend money on you, and you're hella down to go, but then I ask if you just want to chill, and you don't feel like it.

So basically all this "friendship" really is, is a way for you to get me to do stuff for you. And buy you things. And let you use me, because you know that I won't just leave you alone. Because I'm a REAL friend. And all you are is a leech. And I wanted to spend the one night I had a car with you. I was about to turn my back on some of my REAL friends to hang out with you.

Did you choose right when you said you wanted to be my friend? Were you telling the truth when you said that you cared? Probably not. But I'll make the right choice. I'd rather save my money for people who actually care about ME. My real friends who ride or die. I'm tired of your fakeness, and your false appreciation. Especially when no one else would do what I would for you.

It's ok, though. It's my fault for letting you. I'm just saying it's over now. If you really want to be my friend, then you can try to prove it to me. Until then, I'm done spending 10 dollars a week on you.

And you're probably gonna say something like how I'm butthurt or whatever. But really, if you were my friend, you would have said yes, and not assumed I was trying to ask you out. I hope that sushi I brought you tasted good. Hahaha.

Also, if you were busy or something, you could have said so. So don't blame me if I'm pissed off that you only want to hang with me when I'm buying you something.

[titlehere]

I don't know what this is going to be about, but I just had the sudden impulse to write something after listening to The Beatles for like half an hour. I should start with something a little earlier, though.

I was watching videos on the youtubes. It started with Gabe Bondoc at FAP, playing his cover medley. Then moved on to The Adrian William Project - On My Way Down. Afterwards, I went to Jason Mraz - Beautiful Mess, followed by You and I Both. Then it went to Alyssa Bernal covering Hallelujah (the one from Shrek). I thought about searching up Casting Crowns and Smash Mouth, but I got distracted by Kate Voegele's cover of Hallelujah, followed by a bunch of random international "Idol" singers. Then I got into The Beatles. And this is where I start.

I wonder what it must have felt like writing their music. They're not really my style, I don't like them all that much, but people who have covered their songs and made it different than the original bring out the actual potential of the songs. Like Come Together. Oh my freakin jeeze. I think the only Beatles song that I like in its original format is "All you Need is Love" and that's about it. Just because they ran the whole orchestra thing in an awesome way. Enough of that, though, I think I just found out what this post is gonna be about.

I don't know what kind of music I like anymore. I don't know, I've been confused lately. There's so much good stuff. My favorite song right now really isn't even my usual style. It's Maybach Music with T-Pain, Kanye West, Rick Ross, and Lil Wayne. I don't even like Lil Wayne. And I've never been too partial to that kind of rap. Like, I look at Jason Mraz and John Mayer, and they're great, I love acoustic, but I'm just not feeling it too much. Then there's electrocoustic. Owl City, Nevershoutnever! and whatnot. I haven't listened to straight up emo music in a while. I might try that out again, but I'm not feeling very hyped. Just dull, and sad, rather than angry. And I think slow jams or acoustic music is better when you're sad. Hardcore screamo is much better when you're angry.

I don't know what I want anymore. It's hard to choose one or the other, but it is obvious which one treats you better. But even so, sometimes you just really want the other one. Music makes my brain fickle. Ah, whatever, I'll just keep listening. Something's bound to catch my attention.

I'll hallow your ween.

Why do I always feel left out when you're around? Oh right, because I can't sit next to you, or look at you, or do anything around you, because you'll just walk away, and I don't want you to be detatched from the rest of us. So, I'll just be left out, so you can be comfortable.

Fuckin hell.

I'm suffocating.

I always wanna write something mushy. You know those pictures with the shoes of the guy and the girl, and they're kissing or something. Everytime I see those, I feel like composing some kind of art to compliment it. Like a melody plays in the confines of my head and a whole ballad writes itself out behind my eyes where only I can see it. None of it is really coherent, and it doesn't make sense, so by the time I reach the point of expressing it outwardly, it's just a jumble of feelings, and I don't know what to say. All I know is that, I feel light, and content. Like everytime I really take a moment to look at those pictures, I immerse myself so fully into it that I become part of it. I'm wearing those SB's. Or those Vans. Or those Chucks. And my one and only is in front of me. And I can lose myself in her eyes, without having to worry about anything. Because God gave her to me for that sole purpose, and I'm just a part of that plan of His. And so is she. And our lives are intertwined.

And then there's reality.

I'd rather just live in the photograph. Reality is way too depressing for my tastes. I'm one of those people that dreams about vibrant green fields of grass, warm sunshine, cool breezes, and birds singing, and all of that pretty stuff. If I could have a choice, I'd let my body sleep, and I would live inside my own world. With the girl from the picture. And I would be happy.

And then there's reality.

Ugh.

I stopped singing worship songs. I realized that I'm not humble enough to lead people into worship. Mostly because all I really want is for everyone to look at me, and to hear my voice. My beautiful wonderful voice, because I'm so good at singing. Yeah, I'm the best guy singer in norcal. Yeah, I'm so much better than everyone, I'm so good, you should all listen to me, and compliment me, and tell me how good I am.

That's how I feel when I'm singing for the music ministry. And I hate myself everytime I do it. Better to not do it at all, than to do it for the wrong reason. The thing I hate most though, is that I don't only want everyone to see me. I want one person to see me. I want you to see me. And hear me. And tell me how good I am. I want to see you at practice, and I want to sing for you, because this is the only good thing that I have about myself. I don't have the looks, or even the personality. I don't have the swagger, I don't have to "moves" I don't have anything. Just my voice. It's the only thing that I really, truly, honestly excell at. I just want you to notice me. Sounds stupid when I reread it. I know it is. But I can't just change what I feel. I wish, so badly that I could. Somebody told me it's something I have to "overcome" but that's wrong. You're not an obsticle to be endured through. You're not just something I have to get over. Not after a whole year of this crap. All these blogs, all this time spent getting to know who you really are, and letting you know who I really am. And I'm so scared to mess up, because I treasure your friendship more than anything in this world.

All I can do is mutter under my breath, and think to myself, and imagine you being that girl in the picture.

And then there's reality.

I just can't sing worship in your name. It has to be in God's name, and if I'm not doing that, I'm committing the worst sin anyone could ever commit. And I won't do that. I can't do it until I change. Which will probably never happen.

Sorry music ministry. And so long. It was good while it lasted.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.

Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional

You understand the words of the chorus? No one ever listens to the lyrics anymore. The first time I listened to this song, it made my spine shiver. The low, mellow build up from the verse that leads into the explosion of sound at the chorus, as the lyrics proclaim the very extent of the regard that this boy holds for this girl. It's like... GENIUS.

His hopes are so high that her kiss might kill him. Because he's wanted it for so long, and she's so amazing, and beautiful, and everything that he dreams for. And even if that one kiss was to kill him, he would die content, and happy, in the knowledge that she held him in the same regard.

The voice of the vocalist makes the song sound solemn and sad, but it's really a happy ending after the bridge, because they end up being together. Hands Down, song of the year.

Maybe I'm stupid for analyzing this too in-depth, but I like this stuff. And nobody else ever realizes how deep these words go. And how far these things extend. Sure, if you're catholic, and you pay attention to your religion, none of this stuff should be real in any way. HOWEVER, what if God sent that girl to be with that boy? And what if they both believed that? Wouldn't that make it real? So let's assume they follow the Word of the Lord Jesus Christ, and they live by God's testament, etc. Just so we can understand the depth of this stuff, because they were meant for eachother.

And I know, they're just fictional characters derived from a song by Dashboard Confessional, but this scenario has happened repetitively over the decades of the Earth's existence. And this is the raw base of human emotion. LOVE is the foundation upon which we stake everything else. This is like, so freakin expansive that this one post isn't gonna cover it all, but it doesn't even matter, because it's the truth. And when somebody finds their ONE, a ballad should be written about it. Songs about it should permeate the air, and it should be sung by a chorus of freakin ANGELS. With harps and stuff.

Blah, I don't know where I'm going with this. I just got excited to write about something. I thought it was gonna be a sad post, but I guess not. Haha. Ok, I'm gonna go read.

I'm tired.

I always write something sad, even though I want to write something happy. I could start with something profound and inspiring and then end up with something gray and unrelentingly disheartening. And I don't like doing it, it's just that I can't think of anything else. It's always about rain and sadness. Or something like that. Blaaah. Ok, I'm just gonna think of something that makes me happy..

The sky was pale, and the light of the outside was slowly darkening as the sun gradually set behind the horizon, giving the neighborhood a gray-hued appearence. The wind was cold as I stepped out of the house, the rest of my group trailing behind me. I walked slowly down the driveway, my hands concealed in my pockets as I went to lean on the front passenger side door of the car. The others were coming out then, walking around to their respective rides, talking with one another. I wasn't listening to them. I stared down my chest at the cross hanging from the tip of the rosary that was around my neck. I fell into a dream-like state, my mind set on other things than the present, because none of it held my interest.

Then, as if to wake me from my slumber, I heard my name called once. The voice was familiar, and I was glad to hear it directed at me, though my experiences with it were bitter-sweet and meant for a different story. All the same, my attention was drawn back to reality as I lifted my down-turned head and looked up at the source of the sound. She was looking me in the face, which caused me discomfort. "Yes," I replied, attempting to sound indifferent.

What her lips mouthed out next brought on a wave of disbelief, combined with both awe and gratitude. Time slowed, and I lost the ability to comprehend. I couldn't understand. And then the sound of her voice registered in my ears, and the words resounded ever so clearly: "I love you."

After that, nothing mattered. And my memory fails me as to what happened next. Only vague outlines of the rest of the evening. That was the day my doom was sealed. that was the day I truely died.

A thousand suns.

Rage. Pent up within the dark recesses of my mind, and brought to the surface by the lack of mental stability that couples unconsciousness.

And yet who am I to be angry? It was by my own failure that I am condemned to a life of solitary discomfort. Somebody shoot me.

I have a lack of coherent thoughts to write about. Only images locked like welded iron inside of my memories. How I wish I could forget. How I hope and pray that my mind no longer remembers and that it simply erases the images held within them. They continue to tear at my mind, the harder I try to relinquish them. What can I do but reprint them a thousand times over within my mind? I can do nothing.

Of course there's always a slight distraction, but none permanent, and none completely distracting. I'm always left thinking, one way or the other. Agh. My blight. My infirmity. I sing the phrase, "Woe Is Me" as if it were an autobiography. I do feel sorrow for myself, proving my weakness. I am unable to raise to my full height of self-esteem, because I am but the exoskeleton shed by the former me.

If I am to die in this state, I pray it is soon. Madness threatens the internal affairs of my own logic and sanity. Then what will I be left with? As I see it now, nothing. I will be left with nothing at all. So let my passing into the void be swift, that I am not forced to confront such a fate as the suffering plotted out by insanity, and free me from my burdens.

Ugh... And I hate writing in such a manner. I feel like I'm trying too hard to sound like Shakespeare. To be or not to be? Is it really the question, or are you just messing with us? I know the answer to the question either way. The world is so full of disappointments, the answer HAS to be the latter. Only an illogical person would choose the former. Yet there are those who love life beyond the point of logic, so an individual cannot simply dissuade them to modify their choice. Fortunately for me, I am not one of those who loves life. Perhaps the people that are connected with my life, but not my own. Especially not my own.

I'm getting tired and this post is getting boring. Blegh.

Fountains.

Shifting colors lighting every droplet of water cast into the air by the jets pointing directly upward at the darkened night sky. Various patterns of water streams brought out by the sporadic, yet rhythmical releases from within the jets, paired with the endlessly meandering spectrum of color, illuminating the dancing streams as they flow through the air, then come crashing down into the pool of the fountain with a multitude of splashes. She leans over the concrete wall set around the fountain, fencing in the water, and decorated with roughly cut stones set upon one another. The top of the wall made of smoothly shapen concrete. Her elbows and forearms propping up her upper body as she leans upon the wall, her hair flowing gently down her back while she stares intently at the concert being performed by the color-lit cascading water, her hands clasped softly together in front of her.

It's all so disgustingly beautiful.

I guess I haven't gotten any better. Maybe it's dulled a bit but it's still there. Ceaseless. Neverending. Eternal. You choose the word. It's all the same anyways. I don't want it to be like this. I never did, but when I write about it, I can make myself confront it, and think clearly about it, and know what my exact feelings are on it.

Ugh. I'm done. I'm not feeling it right now.

Electrocoustic. Adventurous excitement, and smooth sailing.

I guess emo music isn't the only thing that calms me down. Owl City, Playradioplay!, Nevershoutnever, A Rocket to the Moon. Oh how all of you have saved my life. It's all so calm and soothing, this electrocoustic sound. Makes me forget why I was so sad.

But it'll never truly go away. I have no more words. No more energy. No more faith. All I have is this music. Flowing through the speaker and pounding into my brain. What an ill fate for someone who used to love the world. I lament sorrowfully for that person who has lost his will. It used to be focused on one thing. And now that's gone.

I've never felt like this before in my entire life. But there's a first time for everything, right?

Solitude is my friend.

I think that if I display too much emotion within the words that I type up, I become lost within my own thoughts and just start sporadically going off on numerous tangents out of pure impulse. Yet here I am, allowing myself to do such a thing, and knowing full well where it's going to lead.

Today I find myself heartbroken. Not to exaggerate my definition, but I feel trampled on. I feel that part of me is giving up in its struggle, and can no longer withstand the burden it carries. It seems every five minutes, that stab of pain pierces my chest and drills clean through my heart and all I can do is cry in anguish and wait for the pain to subside by strumming on the guitar, singing stupid songs that only remind me of why it hurts. Yeah. That's how deep I'm in. My supposed talents have turned against me and made me bitter, and now I hate all of them. Even as I weave together this eloquent vocabulary, I am reminded. With every letter that goes down, I am aware. And now what am I?

Because of my aimless pursuit, I am left haggard and defeated at the very root of my own being. I hate myself. I hate my voice. I hate my vernacular. I hate that stupid fucking guitar. Everything that once made me proud to be myself now only makes me want to extinguish it. And yet I can't, because I'd be letting go of something that's a part of me. And I hate myself because of that. I wish, so much, that I was born deaf dumb and blind. Then I wouldn't care so much about it. But that chance has passed. And I am backed into a corner that I cannot escape.

Plus, I sound like a fag. Like a stupid fucking fagget retard letting his feelings get the best of him. I don't display emotions physically. I'm good at that. However, sitting behind a computer screen, and putting down the words, even though I am exposed and whoever reads this shit knows it's me, I can do it. Because behind the keyboard, I'm no longer a coward. Take it away and I'm a fucking pussy. And all I want is to let it out, because I have no other solace. I can just let the ideas flow from my mind with an abandon like I could never have in reality.

And yet I'm still sad. Still unwell. I've been reading Eragon. If you know what that is, then great, if you don't, let me tell you about it, because I think it's a coincidence I decided to read it again. Eragon is a human kid, and he's totally into this elf girl, but she isn't digging him at all. And she straight up tells him, "We aren't meant to be together" and that shit was like a blow to the top of his skull with a bowling ball. I don't know how that would make me feel.

Oh wait. Yeah I do.

Hah. Like this elf girl (her name is Arya), is hella stuck up and shit. Eragon is the coolest guy ever. He's a dragon rider, he's good at sword fighting, he's good at magic. Dude, she just totally doesn't like him because he doesn't look as good as an elf.

And now when I reread that, I think I'm hella funny. But it's TRUE. She's shallow. Arya is a shallow bitch that is racist against humans. She just thinks she's better than Eragon. But y'know, Eragon's a big 'ole whiny baby. He thinks Arya is totally worth it. Like, he totally thinks Arya is the shit, and she's perfect, and there's nobody else. Believe me, he's tried looking at the other girls, but he's just totally taken by Arya, no matter what.

And all he wants to do is tell Arya all of it. How amazing she is, how beautiful she is, how no one could ever give her everything she deserved no matter how hard they tried, and given the chance, Eragon would do everything in his power to make her happy because he knows what she's worth and he's willing to sacrifice his life to make sure that he is good enough to be with somebody like that, and even though she doesn't think so, he knows so, and even God tells him that it's true when he prays about her. And because of her, he prays the rosary every single day. And because of her, he started writing again. And because of her, he feels like he's actually needed in the world. He feels like somebody. And yet she causes him so much grief. Too much grief. He's ready to let it all go. Forget all of that devotion crap and just sleep and become a hermit in the mountains with his books and his own mind where he can grow jaded and unpleasant.

Ok, that's not exactly how the story goes. Eragon actually does eventually look like an elf, and Arya still rejects him. And I don't think Eragon believes in God or praying the rosary. But by now, you've probably guessed I wasn't talking about Eragon or Arya.

And now all I have is self-loathing. Yeah. I'm just gonna go die somewhere in peace.

This is where I stand.

I started reading again. Books that I've already read, but it makes me remember the days when I could just get lost in the story and forget about the present reality. It's as if I no longer need to worry, I'm no longer required to doubt. As long as the character within the pages prevails. Am I pathetic for wishing I wasn't me? Am I weak for wanting something different? I go through the words and the story speaks so vividly of love and compassion and destiny, yet the actuality of those things is dull, and in most cases, non-existent. So what have I to hope for? I don't live in the story. I live in reality. And the harshness of such a bleak and merciless plane of existence is disheartening to the point of utter agony. My sorrow rises with every minute that I am forced to live through it. It's become so great that I feel imprisoned within my own mind and the only place of solace is within the pages of that book. That Book. It draws me in so far that I am finally free. Forget everything else. Forget the sorrow and the agony and the pain while I read about the protagonist finding his one true love. While I envision him offering that person his deepest devotion, and her accepting without question. What a world that would be.

It's all a lie. Those stories and ballads about love and destiny. It's all bullshit. It's all fake. It's all a carefully plotted out, pretty sounding facade composed by the greatest story-tellers ever known to man. People who have the ability to make you believe in whatever they say, and then exaggerated ten-fold by the normal denizens of society. Fickle-minded people who believe every word that the stories portray. People like me, who find solace and salvation within the words. Within the pages. Within the books. Within the STORIES. That's why they are called stories. Because they aren't real. And everytime I come to this realization, I die. Because this is my never-ending strife. This is my agony. And it'll echo in a dull roar of suffering for eternity.

But you say I'm just a frieeend. HAHAHA.

I've been friends with alot of people, but only a few of them have made that insanely large impact on my life. Other than family, I've only witnessed a couple of people who were able to change my entire perspective on the universe and its innerworkings. I don't know why or how it came to be this way, but it did, by some divine force, God sent me these blessings (or curses) to mold me into the person who I am today. And I am grateful to them.

Russell and Robin
They've been there, and we've grown together under the light of God for over a year now. Our faith has spread and our concept of morality has heightened, all because we spotted eachother during the down times when our spiritual high wasn't at its peak, and when we needed somebody to point out our imperfect judgement. They are my rock, my support, my strength. R-Rock and Lil Deuce. R&R. WtRussel!? and RawRbin. The V. Bros. We have a million nicknames for eachother, and a million more inside jokes. We can't get any tighter with eachother than we already are.

AlizaMUHDOOOOOO
I hate it when you call my name with your annoying whiny voice. It drives me insane, because most of the time, it's followed by something you want me to do for you. The thing is, I'll do everything for you, because you're my Muhdoo, and you are everything to me. So whatever I can give, I'll give it to you, no matter what, because that's how much I love you, and that's what brothers do, right? You're the person to talk to when I'm bored, and you're the person to talk to when I'm sad, or mad, or happy, even. You're the person to talk to every minute of every day. There's no bad time to call, unless you're sleeping, because you're boring when you're sleeping. And we've talked about everything. From relationships to feet. We've talked about it. And the fact that you think I'm hella cool, even though I'm just some guy makes me proud to call you my sister. My best. My Muhdoo.

Michelle (effing) Barros
You are the bane of my existence. That burning hatred in the back of my brain that screams for me to unleash it whenever I see your face because it pisses me off just THAT much, and I want to gouge my own eyeballs out, stab myself in the throat, and shoot myself in the head. And for some reason, we're alike in alot of ways. I won't lie about it and say you never changed me, and I won't lie and say I wouldn't care if you were gone. You are the one that first brought me to God. You are the one that made me think of the things I was saying, and you showed me the actual level of vulgarity I was spewing out. And I know you hate me as much as I hate you. Probably more. And I know we're never gonna get over hating eachother, because I'm always gonna start a fight with you. Just something about your attitude that pisses me off. But I also know that for some reason, I'm never gonna be able to cut you off completely, no matter how I try. I don't forget the times I came to you with my problems, or the times you came to me with your's. I don't forget when I felt bad after telling you off and calling you a bitch on like 8 different levels of insults. I don't forget it. You might, but I won't. And I'll keep remembering, even when you ignore me and push me away. I'll take all the crap and all the abuse from you, because I don't wanna just give up on you. Because I remember my friends. I don't forget.

The One.

This I see, visions of her and me,
filling the compilations of my thoughts of she,
and dreams of we-
be, together like mac and cheese,
I vastly seek the paths that lead,
to her heart, so that me, and her, could be,
as one, never to be undone, and I,
would sacrifice, thirty years of the expanse of my life,
in order to have one rhyme that would spark,
a light, and give her an inkling of want to be mine,
just so that one time, I could find,
emotional connection, intense enough to burn the sun,
run with it 'till the song is done,
but I'm only half way through verse one.

Yet I'm set to fail,
cause she's eleven on a one-to-ten scale.
The fall of her gaze impacts like hail,
and I'm left bruised under the icy sheets,
like damn. She's really lookin' at me?
Wit, beauty, and style,
all of these qualities making my strife worthwhile,
if only to see her smile.
And I know, undoubtedly,
that her and me could be.
And I pray for something. Anything.
Show me that opening.
I'll wait forever for that day,
cause she embodies words no one could ever say.
And I don't think I've ever seen her face,
or heard her name.

Holy crap.

You know what happens when I'm stagnant online for a long time? I start losing my jaded, forked-tongue, uncaring demeanor. Well actually, I just stop being clever within my writings. Because I'm unseasoned, and I've gone soft. I find it difficult, at this very moment, to find words that I used commonly before I stopped writing. Maybe life caught up to me, and I'm becomming more and more normal with every day that passes by that I'm not exercising my wit. Eventually, I'll just stop being my old self, and turn into something else. Then again, according to society, my old self was kind of weird. I was introverted, my life revolved around imaginary beings on a stupid looking website, and I was pained for every second that I was away from it. My world was within a computer screen, from when I was 14, until I was 16. Two of the most defining years in a teenager's life. When we evolve from young teenager, to old teenager. Not me, though. I had the mindset of an old teenager from the get-go. Only thing was, my brain kept that adolescent mindset going into adulthood.

I dunno where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just saying I don't know what I am right now. An idiot, a genius, a kid, a man. We'll see.

Oh, flaming shitballs.

Helloooo!! Man, it's been awhile. And I've been sad lately too, if I woulda posted something it would have been heartfelt because I'm good at writing when I'm emo. It's fine though, I'm posting today. Camp is over... It was alright, I was sorta disappointed but no biggie, the next one is gonna be much much better. Also, spring break. I went to Vacaville with Jojo and saw my faaavorite. Haha. And finally got my right ear peirced, after so long contemplating whether or not I should actually go through with it. That was pretty fun. And then Hillsong concert in downtown Sac. Oh my freaking lord, it was amazing. Brooke Fraser is my hero.

But on to the less uplifting subjects. As always... Or most of the time, anyways, I am on the verge of complete insanity. I haven't felt like this since I was a freshman in high school. I feel like I'm about to throw up every 5 minutes because that fucking pit in my stomach won't leave me the fuck alone. Everything seems fucking boring to me, even YFC meetings have become dull and uninspiring. I don't even want to go to precon anymore. I feel like sleeping all the time. My mind is always set on one single fucking event that occured about 2 days ago, and I went over it so many fucking times in my brain that I might as well have memorized the entire conversation. And what sucks is, the whole thing was my fault. Should have just stopped when she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Problem was, I cared too much and I couldn't just let go of something as important as being able to just talk to her.

Too fucking late now, isn't it? I said the worst possible shit that anyone in the entire world could have said to her. I delved into my repitoire of insulting prowess, combined it with my knowledge of her weaknesses, and took every single aspect of that weakness and shoved it directly into her face. And the fucked up thing is, I didn't feel bad until the end of the next day. I didn't feel any kind of remorse, because I was too fucking pissed off at her, and in my mind I thought she deserved what I said. And then I went to church, and after that, a YFC meeting, and right as we were singing Here I Am To Worship at the end of the meeting, I look up, and I see her there in front, singing for the music ministry. Then I closed my eyes and I started praying. It wasn't my most passionate prayer, but I meant it with all my heart. I asked for forgiveness, from God for what I said to a sister, and I prayed for God to help her forgive me.

From then on, is when I started feeling bad. I tried to apologize to her after the meeting too. And she made a facial expression that I've seen before, though I never, in my life, wanted her to make that face because of me. I know it so well, because I've seen it before, more than once. And my heart melted right there, I could barely even muster up the words to say sorry. And then I left, when I could have said so much more, and apologized more sincerely.

I think this is one of those over time kind of things, though I don't really see it lasting very long. I pray she forgives me for what I said. Even though I know things are never gonna be the same way as before. I'm never gonna be as close as I was to her. I guess that's just how these things end. It just kinda sucks because it's my fault. I am sorry, though. Truely.

Overwhelming Joy.

Just a minute or two ago, I was laying on the couch, thinking about camp, and wondering what this post would be about, while I listened to worship music on Pandora. Just a minute ago, I felt unprepared for camp. I doubted myself. I kept telling myself I wasn't focused enough, and that made me even less focused. And then something amazing happened. Something I have never felt before in my entire life before now, while I was just sitting at home doing nothing. Something clicked in my brain, and a voice said, "You are ready."

God spoke to me. Literally. And I am so happy, and overjoyed at His appearance. I was laughing while trying to hold back the tears as I prayed to Him and thanked Him for His encouragement. And now I realize, no matter what is going on, I am prepared for this upcoming camp. I am READY, because God told me HIMSELF. Now I realize, no matter how many hindrances there are in my life right now, come camp time, those things will no longer matter.

And I couldn't help but remember that scene from Passion of the Christ, right before the Roman soldiers started whipping Jesus, he said so courageously, "My heart is ready, God." I know The Child pointed it out after the movie, and I did make that connection with camp while I was watching, but that was when I still doubted myself, and only now do I realize the gravity of that phrase. I think now, though, I can honestly repeat that phrase for myself. I am ready. My heart is ready. Now all I need to do is follow the path that God points me in.

Give praise and thanks!
-Bam

Maybe God is telling me something.

Of all the important things going on in my life right now, I'm only happy about one thing. And that's the camp coming up. My computer broke down again today, too, and I don't think it's gonna recover this time. Which means a lot less posting from me, but what the hell. I can use a different computer like I am right now, and anyways, I gave up myspace for lent, and nobody is on AIM during the day time.

I think that's a sign or something, that I'm not supposed to be paying attention to stuff like my computer. I just gotta get focused. Maybe that's why this week is moving so fast as well, because camp training is on the weekend. Really, everything else that I think about in my life at this current moment makes me sad. Yet somehow, when I think about camp, and about God and service, my heart gets lighter, and I believe that no matter what, I'll be able to pull through, because I know God will never give me a task that is more than human to complete.

Maybe I'm just supposed to be focused on the camp that's coming up. Which means I need to cut this post short, because I shouldn't even be on the internet right now. Anyways, yeah, peace out.

It's that time again!!

Camp is upon us once again, brothers and sisters!

And I hope you are all ready. I hope you are all prepared because I have a feeling this camp is going to be a very good one. Like colossal good. Bring as many friends as possible! And through us, God can show them how much He really does love them, just like how He showed us through the people who served at our camps. Just like the last meeting was about, we have to prepare ourselves for this upcoming event.

At the meeting we talked about how we would prepare ourselves, but not so much what we're actually preparing for. I've posted about this before when I served at my first camp, but here it is again, in different wording.

The point of camp is not to feel good, or to be with our friends, or any of that, I'm sure you all know. The point of camp, for the servers, is to focus on God. To eliminate ourselves and to bow down to Him so that He can use us in any way He has to, because that is our purpose as servers. I'm sure you'll hear this again at camp training, but as servers, we are meant to be TOOLS. We don't change lives at the retreat, God does. We simply assist in His work. And to prepare for this duty that we're burdened with, we need to humble ourselves enough to let God work through us.

That's why we're called "servers" because our mission at camp is to SERVE God to our best ability. Whether it be as DGLs or ADGLs or camp leaders or whatever. We go because it's our duty to God to use this event to evangelize and bring these candidates closer to Him. In most cases, closer than they have EVER been to Him in their entire lives. And in order to complete such an amazing and enormous act, we need God HIMSELF to show us what we need to do.

I know it sounds like a lot, but we have time, and we have camp training and brosterhood coming up to help us get ready. Just don't forget to go, ok? Be there or be an oddly proportioned polygonal type of shape. Hahaha.

Much love,
- Bam.

Ugh. Fuckit. I don't care.

Has anybody ever told you that you were worthless? What if they told you every single fucking day, and you KNEW they were right, but you still don't fucking do anything about it because you're destined to be a fucking screw up the rest of your meaningless, pathetic life, and you've accepted this fate because it's all that you can do just to wake up in the morning and set your mind to different things like school or God or a girl who'll never fucking EVER look at you the same way that you look at her, no matter what the fuck you do.

I live in this fucking fantasy world, pretending that everything's ok, but the bare, unedited truth is that I'm going fucking nowhere. Legally an adult and I'm not doing shit for myself. I don't have a fucking license, or a fucking job. And within the next two months, I am going to literally be on the fucking streets. And I don't have a parent's house to fall back on, because I don't have any fucking parents who give a shit, or are capable of taking me in.

I'm ass out, and this shit is so fucking frustrating because I can't do anything about it. Even if by some miracle somebody would hire someone like me, I'd still have no house to live in. And you know what's REALLY fucked up? I couldn't GIVE A SHIT, because all these fucking dickheads that call themselves my "family" keep pounding it in my brain that I'm fucking useless, so why even try to bother?

I don't have a fucking future. I don't have goals, I don't have aspirations. I don't WANT anything in this fucking irrelevant, unimportant, dull, microcosmic piece of SHIT that I call my life. It's fucking worthless. I am fucking worthless, and what sucks is, I'm too much of a pussy to take a blade to my wrists or put a bullet in my own brain.

What the fuck did I do? Is this supposed to be some kind of fucking test? Should I even care? I mean, if I do die, I'm probably gonna go to hell anyways, who the fuck would want my fatass in heaven? Fucking nobody.

This shit is so fucking stupid. And don't tell me to fucking pray. The only thing worth praying for, to a loser like me, is death.

Fuckit. I don't care.

Something is always wrong.

Sometimes, we as human beings are selfish and apathetic. Unable to comprehend the emotional distress of others, and unable to respond in an appropriate manner to those in need. I mean, it's awkward, because it's so much easier just to keep to your own problems, and if you give the wrong advice, you're pretty much screwing the person who you were trying to help.

Most of the time, though, people don't actually want you to give any advice. All they want is an ear. Somebody to, for lack of a better term, "vent" to. They want to know that somebody cares about their problems and cares that they are going through tough times, because that knowledge alone provides great comfort. Of course, those people who are not adept at such things would rather stop listening and let someone else take care of it.

But what if nobody else is there? You're just gonna leave that person hanging? What if that person is someone who you love, and would be there for YOU if you needed it, no matter what?

The solution is to become a person who cares. Because that's what you're supposed to do, as a child of Christ. No matter who you are, it is your duty and purpose to mold yourself into someone that cares for others. Jesus shines through all of us, and you claim to love him and to serve him, and you say that you'll do anything for him. So if he can be found in all of us, then to extend a hand in selfless disregard to another human is to show compassion, not only for that person, but also for God, and sometimes, even though we are wretched and self-centered people, we need to humble ourselves and take a moment of our time to listen and help other people.

I've learned all of this from my New Year's resolution. I've learned that I can help people, no matter how inadequate I might seem to myself. And I've learned that even the simplest gesture can make another person's day just that much better.

There are so many people who I love, and would give my life for without hesitation. Included in that are my brothers and sisters in Christ. And I know that plenty of you feel this same exact way, because I have been there with you, and I know that you care so much. And if you would give your life, you would most certainly give your hand, or your ear, to those people who you love, because you care. Supposedly.

My request to all of my brothers and sisters, right now, is for everyone to start caring. Not just thinking about caring, and claiming to care, but to take the initiative in caring. If someone is in need, and you know it, no matter how awkward it is for you, just listen. You might be able to help them.

Oh jeeze.

Before I start... Wtheck is up with my blog titles? I just put down the first thing I think about, even if it has nothing to do with the blog itself. Or I make it like extra vague, so it can pertain to anything. Just like this one. Oh well... Aaanyways, time for the real content.

Last night, I was contemplating the decision to leave for the Air Force. I want to go, because I know that it's the right choice, and I actually do want to experience being in the military, but I just don't want to go yet. I don't want to move again, because I just don't want to leave again. Ever since I was 10 years old, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 2 years. And as July '08 rolled by, I was happy that I made it for a year, and now it's soon going to be 2 years, and I'm supposed to leave?

I have real friends here. I have YFC here. And, as stupid as it is, I don't want to leave them. I'll leave for 4 years and the people who weren't even old enough to drive will be old enough to drink. And I don't want to miss that. I want to see that growth happen, and witness that life, and be apart of it. And not just some guy who was cool before, but then I left, and now I barely talk to them anymore. And then when I get back, will they remember me? When I get back, will I still be their friend? Every single time I moved, when I got back, I had no idea where my friends were, and I made some new ones.

Then again, before I never had REAL friends. Now I have people who I even go so far as calling my brothers and sisters. Not only in Christ, but in life. They're like the family I never had. And I'm supposed to leave them? Even if it's for a relatively short period of time, I still don't want to miss anything. I don't want to miss THEM.

So, my decision is... I want to wait, maybe just for another year before I ship out. I don't want to leave so soon. And I also want to make it past that 2 year mark.

But WAIT, there's MORE. Hahaha. Totally different content, though... Yeah, remember, this is not about the Air Force anymore... Right.

So, occasionally, I have phone conversations with certain people at night... Usually when I'm bored. Usually. And last night I was speaking to somebody. It was a long talk, and we went back and forth from life problems, to God, to other people, and then back to God, and then problems again. And every time I hear this person's strife, it's like, everybody wants to target them. You know, even if they really, HONESTLY, didn't do anything. Even people who aren't even apart of the situation get mad, and insult them behind their back. It's like... Whoa. Calm down.

And nobody gets what they're doing, because they just think about themselves. Oh you know, THIS person is easy to pick on. But why? Why do you choose to only target them for insults? And it's not even just this person, y'know, everywhere there's that one guy or girl who just gets dissed for no reason. And you see that stuff in the movies, right? And you feel bad for that poor little loser who gets made fun of all the time. And then you come out here into the real world, and then you contribute to throwing insults at that person who you felt bad for.

I don't know why we single people out. Well I DO... Because they're different from us, because they're weird, and somehow this annoys us. And maybe I'm a hypocrite because I have said some HELLA messed up stuff about people, but I just play around, y'know, other people are just straight up insulting, like DAMN, really? You would go that far? For what reason? Oh yeah, because we all don't like this person, so it's ok to say all this horrible crap about them, even if they really didn't do anything. And that makes me both mad and confused, because it's like, what the hell. This is a GOOD person who we're tearing down. All they want is for everybody to be happy, even at the cost of their own happiness. So they don't even say anything, and they just sit back and stay quiet about all this stuff, and let everybody keep insulting them.

And to me, it's hella irritating, because I don't want to know that, and I don't want to hear that, and then when I randomly call them, all they can do is cry, and all they can talk about is how everyone is hella messed up, and for what? Nothing. And I'm sitting there like just trying to talk them into being happy and smiling, but they don't have anything to smile about, and they can't be happy. So what then? My new year's resolution is to help the people in need. I guess I have another person to help.

Jesus gave his LIFE. What did you give?

Rice, myspace, secular music on the guitar... It just doesn't add up to how much God has given me, and how much God has sacrificed for me. He gave his son, and his son gave his life. Whenever I'm bored, and I want to get on to myspace, but then I remember, oh yeah, it's lent, and I'm like, "Darn," I think about the image of the nails being forcefully driven into Jesus' hands as he was crucified, of the pain he felt as the spear was driven into his side, and of the suffering he went through as he slowly bled to death on the cross.

All for me. All for us. And half of us doubt his very existence.

Tell me, do you think you gave up enough for lent? I know for certain that I didn't, and even though I can't change it now, I still acknowledge what Jesus did for me, and I praise and thank him with my entire being. My entire LIFE, because that's what he gave for me, so I offer him MY life, here on the Earth that he created, no matter how pathetic my life and being are, I will worship his name, and repay him through service, and even though I will never go through the same excruciating experience as he did, I would if it was for him.

My God, my savior, my friend. It's all for you.

-Bam.

So they're wrong, what now?

Say you are a believer and follower of the Roman Catholic faith. You do the sign of the cross, and you pray those pre-set prayers like the Our Father or the Hail Mary, and so on and so forth. You partake in communion, and you periodically go to confession. And church is also not as breathtakingly energetic as a Baptist church would be. Actually, church is pretty monotonous, though that doesn't matter to you, because you love God, and you go to church because it's your duty, and church doesn't even seem boring to you, even though it does to a lot of other people. Take that all into account.

Now, you have a friend, who is an atheist. Your friend denies your beliefs outright and says that it's all nonsense. Every single religious belief that you have is not real. It's all a fairy tale that your parents told you when you were and pounded these ideas into your underdeveloped, information-absorbing brain so that you'd grow up to be just like them.

This person is your friend. And not just any friend, but a very close friend of yours, and other than this person's disagreement as to your religion, this person is a completely good person. They do charity work on the weekends, randomly help old people with their groceries or walk across the street... Etc. They are a model citizen. They are kind, and generous, and caring.

Yet they don't believe in God. And so they are damned to hell? Wouldn't you be afraid for your friend, if you were in this situation? Wouldn't you want to change their perspective? You CARE right? This person will be there for you through thick and thin, but you don't even want to save them from eternal suffering and pain in a sea of fire?

Well, what if they weren't your friend. What if you didn't know them. What if they weren't even good people. Do you still care? Does it not matter that they're going to hell?

Are you even sure that people go to hell based on belief in God?

Yes, we all have to believe, but would a perfect God really send a good person to hell for it? A perfect God that loves ALL people?

I don't know. It's all for you to decide what you think about it.

So many unanswered questions, so much contemplation. The only real way to find out is to die, and the only problem with that is that you are dead. I guess we'll find out all of the answers once we're gone. Universal knowledge and eternal happiness in heaven (assuming that's where I go) the moment I leave this world. Cool, I can't wait.

-Bam

P.S.: The last part is sarcasm. Or, almost sarcasm. Actually, it's irony. Yeah, I was being ironic.

Wandering.

I wanna go on an adventure. One day I will. Just like that freakin old monotonous professor, Chuck Vanpatten.

He wanted to connect spiritually with God so much that he placed himself under extreme stress in the form of the wilderness. I want to follow that. If I can't leave the comfort of my home for a week or two for God, I would consider myself a coward. Seclusion, hunger, and the merciless wrath of the elements grinding me down until I am left raw and completely bare. Exposed for God to see me, in my most basic form. And then I can truly speak to Him. I can truly be at one with God and His creations. I can realize the gifts that He's bestowed upon me since my birth and share my experience with those who haven't yet seen this beauty.

I want to achieve that. So this is my proposition.

Maybe not now, or any time soon, but I want to make a pact with a group of people who are willing to do this with me in the future, and we'll all promise, and get ready to go someday. Not anytime soon, maybe even in a few years, but we have to make this pact and when the time gets closer, we'll know where to contact each other.

I don't mean we're going to be together on this expedition, it's not a camping trip, it's not for fun. We'll all go into an area of complete wilderness, with no form of civilization whatsoever, and we'll separate from each other completely. So we'll be in the same general area, but not within sight or hearing range of each other. And during this time, probably five days to a week, we will meditate and pray, and contemplate our existence. And through all of this thinking and praying, and with the wilderness and discomfort surrounding us, we'll be able to connect with God like we never could before, sitting at home, or at YFC retreats even.

The point of this pact is to solidify determination in actually going out and having this trip. In completing this quest. I don't care if you're from a different cluster, or different area. Anyone can make this promise with me.

Just so you understand what I'm talking about, I'll repeat Vanpatten's story that he told to his World Religions class.

So basically, Vanpatten, when he was young, about nineteen or twenty, wanted to have a vision. Common sense and studies show that the people who actually have had visions were under either the influence of hallucinogens (drugs), or under extreme physical stress. For example, Moses, when he received the vision of the burning bush, he had been in the mountains searching for the lost lamb. Jesus, when he had his conversations with God on the mountain, had fasted for 40 days.

Now, of course, atheists and such would acclimate these visions to be hallucinations, due to the stress occurring physically to the body, in that it would change something in the brain chemistry, and that might be so, but it also depends on the person who actually had the vision. It's up to you if you want to believe what you saw.

Now, Vanpatten didn't want to take drugs, for fear of committing accidental suicide, whether by jumping off of a building while under the influence, or overdosing, and so instead, he spoke to a man who knew about attaining visions. The man told him exactly what he needed to do.

Vanpatten went backpacking in the summertime in a forest covered region. He fasted for two days, eating absolutely nothing. Then he went to a natural pool of glacier water, and sat cross-legged and naked in the sun on a rock. There, he meditated for hours until his body was burning from the heat of the summer sun pounding down on him, and then he jumped into the freezing cold water of the melted glacier. He repeated this process over and over until he had an out of body experience.

He sat on the rock, meditating, when his spirit was lifted out of his physical body. He watched himself sitting on the rock as he ascended into the air, weightless. He could feel the wind on his face as he soared skyward, until all that he could see of himself was a tiny speck sitting on the rock. Then he thought he should go back to his body before his spirit trailed too far away, and as soon as that thought hit him, his spirit descending back into his body and he felt himself return to his physical being.

These kinds of experiences require courage and determination. And for God, I will not be a coward, and I will not be lazy. If no one is willing to come with me, I can go alone, but it would be more fun to have others feel the same way that I do about this. I mean, it's nothing official, or whatever. It's just a little oath between friends and fellow children of God, that we're gonna do this, no matter what, even if we have to put it off for years.

And it doesn't even have to be a one time thing, we can do it more than once, and with new people each time. I just want to know if anybody is down with this idea. Just tell people about it, if you really want to do this. I know I do. And I will, some day, but it'd be nice if other people join me.

Yeah, that's it. Peace out.

-Bam.

Maybe I'm selfish.

Hahaha, I wish I could craigslist for a girlfriend. Actually, the hella messed up part is I probably CAN craigslist a girlfriend. Only problem with it is, if I actually do, they'll most-likely turn out to be a guy. Not a very amusing prospect. Whatev.

It's weird because, if I tried, I could probably go out and hollah at a decent looking girl, get her number, and have a girlfriend within a couple of weeks. It's just that I have these stupid annoying things called morals. Man, I wish I didn't have those. I can't do ANY fun stuff. And by fun stuff, I mean randomly hit on total strangers.

Maaan, now I have STANDARDS. Never had standards before. Never even cared if I knew the girl. The last girl I was with, I knew her for like a week, and was making out with her like it was nothing. Those days are over... Damnet. I shoulda milked those days for what they were worth. Now I'm reduced to sitting and waiting for the exact right girl to randomly arrive one day. Not turning out so well. This is gonna take for freakin EVAR. Ugh. Whatever, I kinda don't really even want one unless I can live up to my title as a man of Christ for this person. Like, I want to be able to provide and protect like NO OTHER. Not sure if I'm good enough yet.

Anyways, I'm rambling. And rambling is my cue to gtfo. So I'm done.

-Bam.

So here it is...

I think I'm done. I don't want to help anybody anymore. I don't want to know their problems, I don't care. Whatever, just fuck off, seriously. It's so annoying, man. I help people, but then nothing is happening for me. I thought some good shit was supposed to happen. Y'know, what goes around comes around and all that. NOT TRUE. Don't believe it for one second. The shit just goes around without any sort of return whatsoever. I mean, I don't care about gratitude, I don't care if you thank me or not, because that's the point of helping people, y'know, you're not supposed to expect thanks.

Maybe I'm not supposed to expect reward either.

Ugghh, what the HELL man. So fucking annoying. I wanna like shoot somebody. Or y'know how the Taliban sever the heads of their hostages with blunt knives. I wanna do THAT shit to somebody. Just fucking hack the shit out of their throat, until it's completely cut, and then chip through the bone until it splinters and breaks, and the head is severed.

That was gruesome, but what the fuck ever.

Honestly, I'm just pissed off. And I'm pissed off for the wrong reason too, because I just hurt somebody. I'm just mad because this person doesn't see, and doesn't understand, and it's so frustrating, because nobody else is willing to work with them, except for a few compassionate people. And I'm at that breaking point already, too. Like I don't wanna sympathize with them if they're not gonna change. They're just gonna keep acting like a brat, and I can't deal with that. I can't sympathize with a brat. And I was the one who called all that potential, and told everybody to WATCH fucking intently to this person and see, because they were gonna bloom into something beautiful and amazing. I was the one who told everyone to fuck off when they doubted this potential. And then what happened? Nothing changed. That was supposed to be the gateway for that person to step into a new light and show everyone that I was RIGHT. But it didn't happen. Maybe I was wrong defending them. Maybe they'll never change.

Helping people is pointless. Fuck this shit.

Did you hear the angels sing?

I always thought that if I waited long enough for something, something important, and I sat back in patient silence, when I finally got what I wanted, the clouds would open up and a chorus of angelic voices would ring out in the air and I'd be filled with joy and happiness. Have you ever done that?

Have you ever waited so long on something or someone, and when they finally came through, it was the happiest moment of your life?

Have you ever waited, and then when you got it, you couldn't hear the angels singing?

I supposed I'm just being sad over nothing, or whatnot. I don't even know, there's always one thing on my mind. One thing that I'm waiting for. Most of my blogs pertain to this thing. It's crazy because I'm either pathetic, or dedicated. And I'm too afraid to talk to anybody about it openly. Like, this blog is more of a way for me to talk to myself, but then also talk to everyone. It's not like anybody reads this crap anyways, so it's mostly talking to myself.

I dunno, I always think about it. I'm always pretending not to notice, but I do. I really do. And honestly, I want nothing more than to just let it out and tell everyone, because it's so distracting, but I just can't, probably because I'm weak, or something, or because I'm a coward. Eh. I don't know, there are only certain people who I want to talk about it with, it's just I'm too afraid to let any of them know. Oh well. I gotta go anyways. Signing off..

-Bam.

Aw man.

Seriously, there is SOMETHING MISSING. GODDAMNET. I ALWAYS feel empty or hollow or something. Like there's a big ass hole in my gut, and everytime I try to fit something in there, the hole just vaporizes it. I mean, sometimes, there are things that can fill it temporarily, and I am content for awhile. Among those things are certain people, YFC events, and those times of spiritual high. The only flaw with that is, those certain people never stick around very long, YFC events are few and far apart, and I am not strong enough to maintain a constant spiritual high.

Well, there's one new thing that's been filling the gap, and that's longboarding. I find myself forgetting about my life for those fleeting few moments while I'm carving down the pavement. It's like nothing matters but that crack I'm about to roll over next, or that hill I'm about to coast down. I find myself always breaking a sweat when I go on an excursion with Jay's longboard. Only thing is, I don't actually own a longboard. And I don't see myself getting one any time soon. And anyways, if I kept skating, over and over, it'd probably become old to me.

Everything always gets old.

There's only one thing that'll never get old. Never. I know this because I've been chasing after it for almost a year now. Jeeze, am I a pathetic loser. Hanging on for so long. Usually stuff gets boring after a few weeks. Not this. This thing makes everything new and exciting. If it wasn't for this, I would have given up guitar a long time ago. I would have quit singing. I would have quit dancing. I would have quit writing. I wouldn't be advancing in life. I wouldn't be working out and losing 6 lbs a week in preparation for the Air Force. I wouldn't be driving.

This thing makes me want to better myself so much. It makes me want to be in my prime, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The only problem is, this thing is what's missing, and that hole in my gut will only keep throbbing until it's filled. And I keep getting the feeling that acquiring this thing is possible, and maybe that's why I haven't given up yet. I guess the hole won't be satiated until I either get it, or it finally becomes impossible to me.

Ahh, sweet life.

Jeeze.

Today is looking to be dull and uninspiring. And tomorrow may just be worse. It hurts to LAY DOWN. That's how sore I am. It feels like right after brotherhood, except the soreness is in my chest and not my legs. Only good thing I've gotten outta this is that I lost 6 lbs in a week, which is pretty amazing. I'm already 10% of the way to my goal. At this rate, it'll only take 3-4 months to complete. Then I'll be SEXAAY. Haha.

But anyways, that's not the point of this post. That's more of an update on how I'm doing kinda thing. Yeah.

So what I've noticed is that I don't necessarily have to concentrate on anything anymore. School is a bust, I just have to get OK grades and I'm set to go. Like.. C's. It's not that serious anymore. I'm spiritually in tact right now too, all this working out and getting ready to go to the Air Force has got me praying and looking to God alot more than usual. But of course, there's that one thing. That one thing that's always been there.

I'm planning to let it out before I go, but it has to be in person. Can't do it on the internet or over the phone like I'm usually compelled to do, because I'm cowardly like that. Ahh, even if I leave heartbroken, it won't matter, because I'll be leaving. Anyways, I'm supposed to clear up any issues that I have before I go anyways, so whatev.

I know I should have dropped this whole thing 7 or 8 months ago, but honestly, I don't see myself anywhere else. Every time I'm presented with an opportunity elsewhere, I wonder if it'll advance my current state with the one that I'm looking at. Agh, and I hate talking in code, too. Like right now, I can't mention any details about it or anything, but I have to write about it somewhere. Isn't that redundant? Whatever.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure anyone could guess what I'm talking about. Or maybe not. If you can, then please tell me, so I can talk to you about it. I really need to talk to somebody about it, but I'm too scared to tell anyone. Maybe somebody can guess it for me.

Damnet, maan.

Man, today was a bust. Like, hella bad, man. And tomorrow, I have to go to the freakin gym. Damnet. I guess my life is meant to be crappy, until I die. Maaan, what the hell. I need to talk to somebody. Probably gonna call them soon. Yeah, that'll make me feel better. But anyways, yeah.. Shoot me. Dude, I dunno, I try not to be mean or anything, but it's really really hard considering who I'm dealing with. And I do hella shit for them too, man. Whatever, I'm done with it. Gah.

Buuut anyways... I'm gonna go find something to do. Bleh.

WHAT!? SERIOUSLY!?!?

I'm joining the Air Force. Yup. That's what's happening. I never saw myself going into the military, but now that I look at it, it's the best thing out there for me. Awesome. I think serving my country is pretty noble too. Haha.

Also, Walk For Life.. Tiring, but satisfying. And it was super fun too, even though I was kinda pissed off half the time, but whatever, nobody noticed. And then the day after was fun day. We went ice skating. I was pissed off there too, but nobody noticed still, which is good. Not to say I didn't have fun or anything, I had a blast. It was just that I had something on my mind. Hopefully the Air Force is gonna be my escape from that.

Also, my laptop is dead due to lack of a charger, so I'm blogging from R&R's house. And I have to go now. So, yeah. Signing off.

-Bam.

So, yesterday..

I realized something very... Interesting. Oh, also, the charger for my computer has been broken so this is a very rare occasion that I'm able to get on right now. But back to yesterday. I felt really really helpless yesterday, like nothing I was doing was right. Like, maybe I was supposed to be doing something else, or maybe I was supposed to just die or something. I don't know, but I felt sick yesterday. My body was weak and my stomach felt light. It felt like that nervous sensation you get before you go on stage or something, except I had nothing to be nervous about. And I had nobody to talk to either. It was like... I was actually alone. I mean, I've been alone before. I've lived for years without even having any friends, and nobody would have ever guessed how introverted I used to be, but I was, and everyday I felt really bad about myself, and that's how yesterday felt. It felt like I was back to being alone. And I couldn't even use the internet, or post anything up here about it.

The truth is, I've been sad for awhile, but refused to show anyone that I was sad, because I wanted to be strong, and I wanted everyone to see me and smile and be happy. Like, seriously? If BamBam was openly depressed everyday? That'd be like the end of the world. So I try not to show anybody, because, I dunno, I'm embarassed, or something. And honestly, I know the reason why I'm so sad. I know what I've been chasing after for the past 10 months, but I just never wanted to do or say anything, because then, if I fail, I might not be able to handle it. I even made a New Year's resolution to finally get over this thing. And to finally move on and stop thinking about it and stop wondering about it and stop being such a little bitch about it. I feel like a freakin girl, man, this shit is so bakla, but I can't ignore it. I tried to ignore it for so long, but it's like so prominent in my mind, I can feel it throbbing in my eyelid.

I've been looking away for months and months, trying not to show anything, even though I suspect alot of people know, or have assumed it. I would have if I was somebody else. Maybe I should just go and say it. Tell them what's up. I'm scared though, because I know if I fail, there's no going back, I'm gonna be cut off forever. Last time I failed, it was ok, because it was recoverable. I wasn't cut off quite yet. But now, if I try again and fail, it's gonna be never ending.

But then, it's the only way to get it off my chest, so even in failure, I will have completed my New Year's resolution. Maybe if I try, I might succeed, though. I might just make it. I just can't be so emo anymore. I just have to be sincere and strong and inspirational, and EVERYTHING. I have to be perfect, if I want perfection. Not LITERALLY, obviously, but more like... I dunno how to explain it. I'm just gonna do it, when the time comes around. I'm gonna try.

Ah hell.

Today was one of those bad days.

I mean, I did have some fun, and it was alright, but I just didn't have the will to do anything. Especially after the meeting. I cloaked it pretty good, but the side of me I wasn't showing was telling me to just sleep, or leave, or shoot myself, or something. I didn't want to hang around for very long, even though I put up my guise. It seems everything that I do, no matter how righteous or loving it may be, I'm still just a footnote. I'm still just some guy who says pretty stuff sometimes. I never make an impact, like ever.

Don't get me wrong, people HAVE told me that I'm inspiring, but I don't think so. They didn't really listen to, or read what I said or wrote. They didn't keep it with them. I dunno, I guess I'm just being sad and emo right now, but honestly, I feel like whatever I do, I'm just not good enough. I'm inadequate. I'm worthless. I hate that feeling so much, you don't even understand. Like, I try to be caring and loving, and I try and try and it's just like... Blah. Whatever. Is that all I am? Just whatever?

I might be thinking too much into it, but that's what I feel like. I don't feel like I do anything good anymore. I can't sing or dance anymore. I can't play guitar very well. And even my writings seem dull lately. Like I'm just writing because I'm bored, and not because I'm feeling a certain way like usual, so the writing never really comes to life. I dunno. I'm lame. Whatever.

Let's see...

I haven't really had the urge to write anything lately. I dunno, I guess I've just been lazy. And nothing has been bothering me that much. I've come up with this theory that I'm only good at writing when I'm really angry, really happy, or really sad. I can never write when I'm in a gray area. I think I might even change my major. Journalism might not be for me.

Then again, everytime I get an essay, I rock it like it's nothing. I dunno, I can write just to write, but my truly inspiring work always comes in the heat of some powerful emotion. After my first camp, I was dropping inspiration like it was nothing. When I was sad, I was writing poetry like every two days. And when I was angry... Well, let's say my posts were alot funnier when I was an angry teenager that hated the world.

I guess right now, I'm only posting because I'm bored. Meh. I need a new book to read. I haven't read a book for ages, man, it's kinda making me sad. I should hit up the library soon. We'll see.

Here in my life..

Man. I remember the days when I was filled with so much passion and so much love for God and so much dedication for the ministry. I never thought I could mellow out or forget what that felt like, but I did. I forgot what I was doing. I stopped caring, and then God left me. The most terrifying feeling that I have ever experienced in my life was the absence of God. I felt alone and cold. And I felt so envious of everyone around me. They all felt Him, and I could only watch them through scared and sad eyes and pray as hard as I was able to for God to come back. I prayed with all my soul and all my passion, and He returned, for He is a loving and forgiving God. I was so happy, and so comforted by His presence. I felt the tears streaming down my face and I was complete. I was whole again.

Just now, I had forgotten again. I was feeling sad and lost, and I had nothing to look to, so I took a peak on my blog, and "Here In My Life" started playing, and I could feel Him. I can still feel Him right now. My God. I know He is here with me, and nothing can ever hinder me while God is here. I am complete.

It's a strange thing to feel God's work actually occurring. My New Year's resolution, as I've posted before, is to help those in need. I've noticed so many people, and more than once has someone talked to me about their problems. I'm supposed to help them to the best of my ability. God is leading these people to me. This is it, this is my purpose. At least for now, this is why I'm here. I am relieved and content. I am ready.

The sky is gray, but my day is still bright.

Dreary weather or no, today is gonna be a GOOD day, because I'm gonna make it a good day, because I'm gonna go hang out with R&R for a couple of hours and then go paint the town red!! Or something. A plan is already formulating in my brain, though I'm not really sure whether or not it's gonna work.

My house is becoming more and more dull every single day I sit in it. Looks like I'm gonna spend tomorrow with Matt Abero. Or anybody that isn't my family. Man, you think YOUR family is insane. Mine is like... How do I explain this?

Ok, imagine Hannibal Lector. Ok, now imagine the Joker. Ok, now imagine Leather Face. Ok now mix all of them together, except take away all of the intelligence of Hannibal and the Joker. I have no idea what to call the product of that kind of mixture, so we'll just call it BamBam's Family.

THAT'S how insane my family is. Seriously. I gotta get outta here QUICK.

Yeah. So, I guess I'm gonna wait until 3, when R&R are done with school. That's still 2 and a half hours of waiting. Good thing I'm sleepy, so I'll just take a nap and set an alarm for 2:30. Probably just gonna go pick them up to maximize hang out time. Haha. Yeah, alright, I guess that's my post.

I hope all of your days are bright, even when the clouds are covering the sun. If not, just call me, and I'll brighten things up for you.

-Bam

I totally did NOTHING today.

YUP! Because I'm a lameass loserface dummyhead. Or something like that. Man, I need a life. That'd be freakin awesome, if I had one of those. Or a car, because a car is the gateway to having a life. I'd just go to people's houses, who I KNOW aren't home, and sit in front of their house until they got there. Because I'm the shit like that.

Yeah, so, I kinda hope tomorrow will be better. Doubt it, though. Still nobody to hang out with and nothing to do. Man, I keep having dreams that I get something. Like a big ole wad of cash, or an iPhone, a car. Stupid pointless dreams, making me feel bad about reality. Agh, lame.

Last night was a baaaaad, bad night for me, man. I felt like I was about to die. Like, seriously, I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I'm just stuck on the same thing for so fucking long, and I never get noticed, no matter how fucking nice I am or any of that shit. And I get pissed off because everybody else is a fucking asshole, and I try so hard not to be. Everybody else just disregards all that potential and all that worth, and they just poke fun and ignore. And I'm the only one who's willing enough to say that it's wrong, but I just can't say it aloud. I can't tell it to their face, because then I look like some kind of retard dipshit who's desperate for some "love" or what the fuck ever, but not really. I really don't give a shit if I'm rejected. It's not even like that. It's just somebody has to say it. Somebody has to fucking tell them that they are fucking AMAZING, and that everybody who doubts it is a fucking IDIOT, and they should slap themselves for not realizing how much inspiration they've been missing.

And the fucked up part is, they bring her down, and she just goes with it like it's alright. It's fine she's being ignored. It's ok that none of her ideas come to fruition. Why? Because you fuckheads aren't ready yet? NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH. And I know some of the others have spoken to her, and they know how much she can do. How much she WOULD do with a little bit of help. None of them do anything about it though. They hear her out and say, "Oh, well, that's all dandy, but..." There should be no but. There should just be, "YEAH, let's do it NOW."

But of course, like the cycle of life goes, they underestimate her, and just write off her thoughts as "to be considered in the future." Not good enough. Why do you do that? Maybe I'm just rambling nonesense because I'm out of the loop and I don't know the whole story, but still, somebody clarify then. Why?

And you know what else is fucked up, SHE takes so much shit from us. Like, she takes all the insults and all the hurt and we're fucking hypocrits calling HER the asshole. Calling HER the bitch. No, it's not her, it's us. We're assholes, and we're bitches. She told me once that she's just a mirror of me. She simply mirrors what everyone says to her. And we have the audacity to tell her that SHE's mean to us? No. Wrong. I know, because I was one of those, and I know that I was wrong for that. Numerous times, we've made her cry, and we've hurt her, and she doesn't show it to any of us. She holds it in because she's so strong and so brave, and then she comes back every single time we gather to take some more of it, because she loves us, even though we treat her like we do.

Why is that?

How about a new year's resolution. How about we stop that. I mean, I understand we play around with eachother, but sometimes we do it more to certain people, and sometimes we go too far. And she has trouble showing her emotions, because she'd rather just ignore it, but I see her tears, and I see what we do to her, and as a brother in Christ, I KNOW that it's wrong. I KNOW that we're wrong. And I'm done hiding and letting it happen. I want to be a brother. A good one that my family in Christ can rely on, no matter what. So I'm gonna start with this.

And if you think I'm just writing this because I like her... FUCK YOU. You're an idiot, and you're just denying that you're an asshole to her.

Oh yeah, this is about Michelle. Sorry, didn't clarify. I am not hiding anymore, fuck that shit, I'm mad.

I already did one today, but whatever.

Somebody once told me: "Who says you can't write two blogs in one day?" so I guess, I'll do just that.

I feel a bit crappy right now. Oh well. Whatever. I try to be a bit more optimistic, but sometimes it just doesn't work, y'know? Anyways, I've been thinking alot about one thing lately. Like, all the freakin time, it's the same thing. I mean, I think about alot of stuff but just that one thing keeps coming back over and over and I'm starting to wonder if I'm supposed to do anything about it. Like, maybe God won't let me stop thinking about it because He has something planned for me. And like, just to give you the jist of what I'm talking about, I've been thinking about this same thing for like 9 months now. That's 3/4 of a year. That's how stuck on this stuff I've been. I don't even know what the heck I'm doing anymore. I really really want to do something about it, SO badly. But I can't do anything. Nothing I say or do will work. I mean, eventually, I'll have to stop thinking about it, but that's not looking to be for a very long time.

So I guess another New Year's resolution is to either do something, or get over it. Yeah. If you know me well, then you probably already know what it is. If you do, then man, I need some help.

So it all boils down to this...

Two-thousand and nine.

I guess it's time to change up my own being. It won't be easy, but it is required. I finally want to step up. In more ways than one, and there's one thing that I want to do more than anything. But I gotta set it up first, and I'm gonna need to be able to drive legally beforehand. That's an easy step, I can get my license within the next month or so. And then my plans will come into effect!

Whether I'm successful or not doesn't matter either, because it will have been my last stand in an on going battle with myself. And it's also a step towards completing my New Year's resolutions, which are very vague, and difficult to accomplish, but I'm sure I can finish them. This is gonna be my year, dudes. This is my time to SHINE! Hahaha. Well, maybe. If I can do everything that I've set up for myself.

Then of course, there are the usual, obvious things that need to get done. Like school and physical health and so on and so forth. Those are my primaries, I guess you could say. More like an unsaid oath to complete all of these without writing it down or stating them officially. That's just me, though.

Anyways, here is what I wrote down at the first cluster meeting of the year (which was awesome, by the way), my resolutions were, "To inspire those in need of inspiring, to show compassion to those in need of comfort, and to be a brother and a man following in the light of God."

It might seem like BS, but I assure you, I'm gonna try my best. Pretty much, my resolution is to dedicate myself to helping those in need, and to make myself a better person by strengthening my bond with God. So don't cry, or be sad around me, because you better be CERTAIN, Bam Bam is gonna give you a hug and tell you how wonderful you are and show you that whatever you're distraught about, it doesn't matter, because you can pull through and because God loves you, and nothing in this world, no matter what it is, can overcome God and His will, and nothing in this world can overcome the love that He has sent in the form of your brothers and sisters in Christ.

This is my trial. This is my calling. This is why I am here.

I am ready.

-Bam Bam