I'm suffocating.

I always wanna write something mushy. You know those pictures with the shoes of the guy and the girl, and they're kissing or something. Everytime I see those, I feel like composing some kind of art to compliment it. Like a melody plays in the confines of my head and a whole ballad writes itself out behind my eyes where only I can see it. None of it is really coherent, and it doesn't make sense, so by the time I reach the point of expressing it outwardly, it's just a jumble of feelings, and I don't know what to say. All I know is that, I feel light, and content. Like everytime I really take a moment to look at those pictures, I immerse myself so fully into it that I become part of it. I'm wearing those SB's. Or those Vans. Or those Chucks. And my one and only is in front of me. And I can lose myself in her eyes, without having to worry about anything. Because God gave her to me for that sole purpose, and I'm just a part of that plan of His. And so is she. And our lives are intertwined.

And then there's reality.

I'd rather just live in the photograph. Reality is way too depressing for my tastes. I'm one of those people that dreams about vibrant green fields of grass, warm sunshine, cool breezes, and birds singing, and all of that pretty stuff. If I could have a choice, I'd let my body sleep, and I would live inside my own world. With the girl from the picture. And I would be happy.

And then there's reality.

Ugh.

I stopped singing worship songs. I realized that I'm not humble enough to lead people into worship. Mostly because all I really want is for everyone to look at me, and to hear my voice. My beautiful wonderful voice, because I'm so good at singing. Yeah, I'm the best guy singer in norcal. Yeah, I'm so much better than everyone, I'm so good, you should all listen to me, and compliment me, and tell me how good I am.

That's how I feel when I'm singing for the music ministry. And I hate myself everytime I do it. Better to not do it at all, than to do it for the wrong reason. The thing I hate most though, is that I don't only want everyone to see me. I want one person to see me. I want you to see me. And hear me. And tell me how good I am. I want to see you at practice, and I want to sing for you, because this is the only good thing that I have about myself. I don't have the looks, or even the personality. I don't have the swagger, I don't have to "moves" I don't have anything. Just my voice. It's the only thing that I really, truly, honestly excell at. I just want you to notice me. Sounds stupid when I reread it. I know it is. But I can't just change what I feel. I wish, so badly that I could. Somebody told me it's something I have to "overcome" but that's wrong. You're not an obsticle to be endured through. You're not just something I have to get over. Not after a whole year of this crap. All these blogs, all this time spent getting to know who you really are, and letting you know who I really am. And I'm so scared to mess up, because I treasure your friendship more than anything in this world.

All I can do is mutter under my breath, and think to myself, and imagine you being that girl in the picture.

And then there's reality.

I just can't sing worship in your name. It has to be in God's name, and if I'm not doing that, I'm committing the worst sin anyone could ever commit. And I won't do that. I can't do it until I change. Which will probably never happen.

Sorry music ministry. And so long. It was good while it lasted.