So, yesterday..

I realized something very... Interesting. Oh, also, the charger for my computer has been broken so this is a very rare occasion that I'm able to get on right now. But back to yesterday. I felt really really helpless yesterday, like nothing I was doing was right. Like, maybe I was supposed to be doing something else, or maybe I was supposed to just die or something. I don't know, but I felt sick yesterday. My body was weak and my stomach felt light. It felt like that nervous sensation you get before you go on stage or something, except I had nothing to be nervous about. And I had nobody to talk to either. It was like... I was actually alone. I mean, I've been alone before. I've lived for years without even having any friends, and nobody would have ever guessed how introverted I used to be, but I was, and everyday I felt really bad about myself, and that's how yesterday felt. It felt like I was back to being alone. And I couldn't even use the internet, or post anything up here about it.

The truth is, I've been sad for awhile, but refused to show anyone that I was sad, because I wanted to be strong, and I wanted everyone to see me and smile and be happy. Like, seriously? If BamBam was openly depressed everyday? That'd be like the end of the world. So I try not to show anybody, because, I dunno, I'm embarassed, or something. And honestly, I know the reason why I'm so sad. I know what I've been chasing after for the past 10 months, but I just never wanted to do or say anything, because then, if I fail, I might not be able to handle it. I even made a New Year's resolution to finally get over this thing. And to finally move on and stop thinking about it and stop wondering about it and stop being such a little bitch about it. I feel like a freakin girl, man, this shit is so bakla, but I can't ignore it. I tried to ignore it for so long, but it's like so prominent in my mind, I can feel it throbbing in my eyelid.

I've been looking away for months and months, trying not to show anything, even though I suspect alot of people know, or have assumed it. I would have if I was somebody else. Maybe I should just go and say it. Tell them what's up. I'm scared though, because I know if I fail, there's no going back, I'm gonna be cut off forever. Last time I failed, it was ok, because it was recoverable. I wasn't cut off quite yet. But now, if I try again and fail, it's gonna be never ending.

But then, it's the only way to get it off my chest, so even in failure, I will have completed my New Year's resolution. Maybe if I try, I might succeed, though. I might just make it. I just can't be so emo anymore. I just have to be sincere and strong and inspirational, and EVERYTHING. I have to be perfect, if I want perfection. Not LITERALLY, obviously, but more like... I dunno how to explain it. I'm just gonna do it, when the time comes around. I'm gonna try.