Jesus gave his LIFE. What did you give?

Rice, myspace, secular music on the guitar... It just doesn't add up to how much God has given me, and how much God has sacrificed for me. He gave his son, and his son gave his life. Whenever I'm bored, and I want to get on to myspace, but then I remember, oh yeah, it's lent, and I'm like, "Darn," I think about the image of the nails being forcefully driven into Jesus' hands as he was crucified, of the pain he felt as the spear was driven into his side, and of the suffering he went through as he slowly bled to death on the cross.

All for me. All for us. And half of us doubt his very existence.

Tell me, do you think you gave up enough for lent? I know for certain that I didn't, and even though I can't change it now, I still acknowledge what Jesus did for me, and I praise and thank him with my entire being. My entire LIFE, because that's what he gave for me, so I offer him MY life, here on the Earth that he created, no matter how pathetic my life and being are, I will worship his name, and repay him through service, and even though I will never go through the same excruciating experience as he did, I would if it was for him.

My God, my savior, my friend. It's all for you.

-Bam.

So they're wrong, what now?

Say you are a believer and follower of the Roman Catholic faith. You do the sign of the cross, and you pray those pre-set prayers like the Our Father or the Hail Mary, and so on and so forth. You partake in communion, and you periodically go to confession. And church is also not as breathtakingly energetic as a Baptist church would be. Actually, church is pretty monotonous, though that doesn't matter to you, because you love God, and you go to church because it's your duty, and church doesn't even seem boring to you, even though it does to a lot of other people. Take that all into account.

Now, you have a friend, who is an atheist. Your friend denies your beliefs outright and says that it's all nonsense. Every single religious belief that you have is not real. It's all a fairy tale that your parents told you when you were and pounded these ideas into your underdeveloped, information-absorbing brain so that you'd grow up to be just like them.

This person is your friend. And not just any friend, but a very close friend of yours, and other than this person's disagreement as to your religion, this person is a completely good person. They do charity work on the weekends, randomly help old people with their groceries or walk across the street... Etc. They are a model citizen. They are kind, and generous, and caring.

Yet they don't believe in God. And so they are damned to hell? Wouldn't you be afraid for your friend, if you were in this situation? Wouldn't you want to change their perspective? You CARE right? This person will be there for you through thick and thin, but you don't even want to save them from eternal suffering and pain in a sea of fire?

Well, what if they weren't your friend. What if you didn't know them. What if they weren't even good people. Do you still care? Does it not matter that they're going to hell?

Are you even sure that people go to hell based on belief in God?

Yes, we all have to believe, but would a perfect God really send a good person to hell for it? A perfect God that loves ALL people?

I don't know. It's all for you to decide what you think about it.

So many unanswered questions, so much contemplation. The only real way to find out is to die, and the only problem with that is that you are dead. I guess we'll find out all of the answers once we're gone. Universal knowledge and eternal happiness in heaven (assuming that's where I go) the moment I leave this world. Cool, I can't wait.

-Bam

P.S.: The last part is sarcasm. Or, almost sarcasm. Actually, it's irony. Yeah, I was being ironic.

Wandering.

I wanna go on an adventure. One day I will. Just like that freakin old monotonous professor, Chuck Vanpatten.

He wanted to connect spiritually with God so much that he placed himself under extreme stress in the form of the wilderness. I want to follow that. If I can't leave the comfort of my home for a week or two for God, I would consider myself a coward. Seclusion, hunger, and the merciless wrath of the elements grinding me down until I am left raw and completely bare. Exposed for God to see me, in my most basic form. And then I can truly speak to Him. I can truly be at one with God and His creations. I can realize the gifts that He's bestowed upon me since my birth and share my experience with those who haven't yet seen this beauty.

I want to achieve that. So this is my proposition.

Maybe not now, or any time soon, but I want to make a pact with a group of people who are willing to do this with me in the future, and we'll all promise, and get ready to go someday. Not anytime soon, maybe even in a few years, but we have to make this pact and when the time gets closer, we'll know where to contact each other.

I don't mean we're going to be together on this expedition, it's not a camping trip, it's not for fun. We'll all go into an area of complete wilderness, with no form of civilization whatsoever, and we'll separate from each other completely. So we'll be in the same general area, but not within sight or hearing range of each other. And during this time, probably five days to a week, we will meditate and pray, and contemplate our existence. And through all of this thinking and praying, and with the wilderness and discomfort surrounding us, we'll be able to connect with God like we never could before, sitting at home, or at YFC retreats even.

The point of this pact is to solidify determination in actually going out and having this trip. In completing this quest. I don't care if you're from a different cluster, or different area. Anyone can make this promise with me.

Just so you understand what I'm talking about, I'll repeat Vanpatten's story that he told to his World Religions class.

So basically, Vanpatten, when he was young, about nineteen or twenty, wanted to have a vision. Common sense and studies show that the people who actually have had visions were under either the influence of hallucinogens (drugs), or under extreme physical stress. For example, Moses, when he received the vision of the burning bush, he had been in the mountains searching for the lost lamb. Jesus, when he had his conversations with God on the mountain, had fasted for 40 days.

Now, of course, atheists and such would acclimate these visions to be hallucinations, due to the stress occurring physically to the body, in that it would change something in the brain chemistry, and that might be so, but it also depends on the person who actually had the vision. It's up to you if you want to believe what you saw.

Now, Vanpatten didn't want to take drugs, for fear of committing accidental suicide, whether by jumping off of a building while under the influence, or overdosing, and so instead, he spoke to a man who knew about attaining visions. The man told him exactly what he needed to do.

Vanpatten went backpacking in the summertime in a forest covered region. He fasted for two days, eating absolutely nothing. Then he went to a natural pool of glacier water, and sat cross-legged and naked in the sun on a rock. There, he meditated for hours until his body was burning from the heat of the summer sun pounding down on him, and then he jumped into the freezing cold water of the melted glacier. He repeated this process over and over until he had an out of body experience.

He sat on the rock, meditating, when his spirit was lifted out of his physical body. He watched himself sitting on the rock as he ascended into the air, weightless. He could feel the wind on his face as he soared skyward, until all that he could see of himself was a tiny speck sitting on the rock. Then he thought he should go back to his body before his spirit trailed too far away, and as soon as that thought hit him, his spirit descending back into his body and he felt himself return to his physical being.

These kinds of experiences require courage and determination. And for God, I will not be a coward, and I will not be lazy. If no one is willing to come with me, I can go alone, but it would be more fun to have others feel the same way that I do about this. I mean, it's nothing official, or whatever. It's just a little oath between friends and fellow children of God, that we're gonna do this, no matter what, even if we have to put it off for years.

And it doesn't even have to be a one time thing, we can do it more than once, and with new people each time. I just want to know if anybody is down with this idea. Just tell people about it, if you really want to do this. I know I do. And I will, some day, but it'd be nice if other people join me.

Yeah, that's it. Peace out.

-Bam.

Maybe I'm selfish.

Hahaha, I wish I could craigslist for a girlfriend. Actually, the hella messed up part is I probably CAN craigslist a girlfriend. Only problem with it is, if I actually do, they'll most-likely turn out to be a guy. Not a very amusing prospect. Whatev.

It's weird because, if I tried, I could probably go out and hollah at a decent looking girl, get her number, and have a girlfriend within a couple of weeks. It's just that I have these stupid annoying things called morals. Man, I wish I didn't have those. I can't do ANY fun stuff. And by fun stuff, I mean randomly hit on total strangers.

Maaan, now I have STANDARDS. Never had standards before. Never even cared if I knew the girl. The last girl I was with, I knew her for like a week, and was making out with her like it was nothing. Those days are over... Damnet. I shoulda milked those days for what they were worth. Now I'm reduced to sitting and waiting for the exact right girl to randomly arrive one day. Not turning out so well. This is gonna take for freakin EVAR. Ugh. Whatever, I kinda don't really even want one unless I can live up to my title as a man of Christ for this person. Like, I want to be able to provide and protect like NO OTHER. Not sure if I'm good enough yet.

Anyways, I'm rambling. And rambling is my cue to gtfo. So I'm done.

-Bam.

So here it is...

I think I'm done. I don't want to help anybody anymore. I don't want to know their problems, I don't care. Whatever, just fuck off, seriously. It's so annoying, man. I help people, but then nothing is happening for me. I thought some good shit was supposed to happen. Y'know, what goes around comes around and all that. NOT TRUE. Don't believe it for one second. The shit just goes around without any sort of return whatsoever. I mean, I don't care about gratitude, I don't care if you thank me or not, because that's the point of helping people, y'know, you're not supposed to expect thanks.

Maybe I'm not supposed to expect reward either.

Ugghh, what the HELL man. So fucking annoying. I wanna like shoot somebody. Or y'know how the Taliban sever the heads of their hostages with blunt knives. I wanna do THAT shit to somebody. Just fucking hack the shit out of their throat, until it's completely cut, and then chip through the bone until it splinters and breaks, and the head is severed.

That was gruesome, but what the fuck ever.

Honestly, I'm just pissed off. And I'm pissed off for the wrong reason too, because I just hurt somebody. I'm just mad because this person doesn't see, and doesn't understand, and it's so frustrating, because nobody else is willing to work with them, except for a few compassionate people. And I'm at that breaking point already, too. Like I don't wanna sympathize with them if they're not gonna change. They're just gonna keep acting like a brat, and I can't deal with that. I can't sympathize with a brat. And I was the one who called all that potential, and told everybody to WATCH fucking intently to this person and see, because they were gonna bloom into something beautiful and amazing. I was the one who told everyone to fuck off when they doubted this potential. And then what happened? Nothing changed. That was supposed to be the gateway for that person to step into a new light and show everyone that I was RIGHT. But it didn't happen. Maybe I was wrong defending them. Maybe they'll never change.

Helping people is pointless. Fuck this shit.

Did you hear the angels sing?

I always thought that if I waited long enough for something, something important, and I sat back in patient silence, when I finally got what I wanted, the clouds would open up and a chorus of angelic voices would ring out in the air and I'd be filled with joy and happiness. Have you ever done that?

Have you ever waited so long on something or someone, and when they finally came through, it was the happiest moment of your life?

Have you ever waited, and then when you got it, you couldn't hear the angels singing?

I supposed I'm just being sad over nothing, or whatnot. I don't even know, there's always one thing on my mind. One thing that I'm waiting for. Most of my blogs pertain to this thing. It's crazy because I'm either pathetic, or dedicated. And I'm too afraid to talk to anybody about it openly. Like, this blog is more of a way for me to talk to myself, but then also talk to everyone. It's not like anybody reads this crap anyways, so it's mostly talking to myself.

I dunno, I always think about it. I'm always pretending not to notice, but I do. I really do. And honestly, I want nothing more than to just let it out and tell everyone, because it's so distracting, but I just can't, probably because I'm weak, or something, or because I'm a coward. Eh. I don't know, there are only certain people who I want to talk about it with, it's just I'm too afraid to let any of them know. Oh well. I gotta go anyways. Signing off..

-Bam.

Aw man.

Seriously, there is SOMETHING MISSING. GODDAMNET. I ALWAYS feel empty or hollow or something. Like there's a big ass hole in my gut, and everytime I try to fit something in there, the hole just vaporizes it. I mean, sometimes, there are things that can fill it temporarily, and I am content for awhile. Among those things are certain people, YFC events, and those times of spiritual high. The only flaw with that is, those certain people never stick around very long, YFC events are few and far apart, and I am not strong enough to maintain a constant spiritual high.

Well, there's one new thing that's been filling the gap, and that's longboarding. I find myself forgetting about my life for those fleeting few moments while I'm carving down the pavement. It's like nothing matters but that crack I'm about to roll over next, or that hill I'm about to coast down. I find myself always breaking a sweat when I go on an excursion with Jay's longboard. Only thing is, I don't actually own a longboard. And I don't see myself getting one any time soon. And anyways, if I kept skating, over and over, it'd probably become old to me.

Everything always gets old.

There's only one thing that'll never get old. Never. I know this because I've been chasing after it for almost a year now. Jeeze, am I a pathetic loser. Hanging on for so long. Usually stuff gets boring after a few weeks. Not this. This thing makes everything new and exciting. If it wasn't for this, I would have given up guitar a long time ago. I would have quit singing. I would have quit dancing. I would have quit writing. I wouldn't be advancing in life. I wouldn't be working out and losing 6 lbs a week in preparation for the Air Force. I wouldn't be driving.

This thing makes me want to better myself so much. It makes me want to be in my prime, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The only problem is, this thing is what's missing, and that hole in my gut will only keep throbbing until it's filled. And I keep getting the feeling that acquiring this thing is possible, and maybe that's why I haven't given up yet. I guess the hole won't be satiated until I either get it, or it finally becomes impossible to me.

Ahh, sweet life.

Jeeze.

Today is looking to be dull and uninspiring. And tomorrow may just be worse. It hurts to LAY DOWN. That's how sore I am. It feels like right after brotherhood, except the soreness is in my chest and not my legs. Only good thing I've gotten outta this is that I lost 6 lbs in a week, which is pretty amazing. I'm already 10% of the way to my goal. At this rate, it'll only take 3-4 months to complete. Then I'll be SEXAAY. Haha.

But anyways, that's not the point of this post. That's more of an update on how I'm doing kinda thing. Yeah.

So what I've noticed is that I don't necessarily have to concentrate on anything anymore. School is a bust, I just have to get OK grades and I'm set to go. Like.. C's. It's not that serious anymore. I'm spiritually in tact right now too, all this working out and getting ready to go to the Air Force has got me praying and looking to God alot more than usual. But of course, there's that one thing. That one thing that's always been there.

I'm planning to let it out before I go, but it has to be in person. Can't do it on the internet or over the phone like I'm usually compelled to do, because I'm cowardly like that. Ahh, even if I leave heartbroken, it won't matter, because I'll be leaving. Anyways, I'm supposed to clear up any issues that I have before I go anyways, so whatev.

I know I should have dropped this whole thing 7 or 8 months ago, but honestly, I don't see myself anywhere else. Every time I'm presented with an opportunity elsewhere, I wonder if it'll advance my current state with the one that I'm looking at. Agh, and I hate talking in code, too. Like right now, I can't mention any details about it or anything, but I have to write about it somewhere. Isn't that redundant? Whatever.

Anyways, I'm pretty sure anyone could guess what I'm talking about. Or maybe not. If you can, then please tell me, so I can talk to you about it. I really need to talk to somebody about it, but I'm too scared to tell anyone. Maybe somebody can guess it for me.