Damnet, maan.

Man, today was a bust. Like, hella bad, man. And tomorrow, I have to go to the freakin gym. Damnet. I guess my life is meant to be crappy, until I die. Maaan, what the hell. I need to talk to somebody. Probably gonna call them soon. Yeah, that'll make me feel better. But anyways, yeah.. Shoot me. Dude, I dunno, I try not to be mean or anything, but it's really really hard considering who I'm dealing with. And I do hella shit for them too, man. Whatever, I'm done with it. Gah.

Buuut anyways... I'm gonna go find something to do. Bleh.

WHAT!? SERIOUSLY!?!?

I'm joining the Air Force. Yup. That's what's happening. I never saw myself going into the military, but now that I look at it, it's the best thing out there for me. Awesome. I think serving my country is pretty noble too. Haha.

Also, Walk For Life.. Tiring, but satisfying. And it was super fun too, even though I was kinda pissed off half the time, but whatever, nobody noticed. And then the day after was fun day. We went ice skating. I was pissed off there too, but nobody noticed still, which is good. Not to say I didn't have fun or anything, I had a blast. It was just that I had something on my mind. Hopefully the Air Force is gonna be my escape from that.

Also, my laptop is dead due to lack of a charger, so I'm blogging from R&R's house. And I have to go now. So, yeah. Signing off.

-Bam.

So, yesterday..

I realized something very... Interesting. Oh, also, the charger for my computer has been broken so this is a very rare occasion that I'm able to get on right now. But back to yesterday. I felt really really helpless yesterday, like nothing I was doing was right. Like, maybe I was supposed to be doing something else, or maybe I was supposed to just die or something. I don't know, but I felt sick yesterday. My body was weak and my stomach felt light. It felt like that nervous sensation you get before you go on stage or something, except I had nothing to be nervous about. And I had nobody to talk to either. It was like... I was actually alone. I mean, I've been alone before. I've lived for years without even having any friends, and nobody would have ever guessed how introverted I used to be, but I was, and everyday I felt really bad about myself, and that's how yesterday felt. It felt like I was back to being alone. And I couldn't even use the internet, or post anything up here about it.

The truth is, I've been sad for awhile, but refused to show anyone that I was sad, because I wanted to be strong, and I wanted everyone to see me and smile and be happy. Like, seriously? If BamBam was openly depressed everyday? That'd be like the end of the world. So I try not to show anybody, because, I dunno, I'm embarassed, or something. And honestly, I know the reason why I'm so sad. I know what I've been chasing after for the past 10 months, but I just never wanted to do or say anything, because then, if I fail, I might not be able to handle it. I even made a New Year's resolution to finally get over this thing. And to finally move on and stop thinking about it and stop wondering about it and stop being such a little bitch about it. I feel like a freakin girl, man, this shit is so bakla, but I can't ignore it. I tried to ignore it for so long, but it's like so prominent in my mind, I can feel it throbbing in my eyelid.

I've been looking away for months and months, trying not to show anything, even though I suspect alot of people know, or have assumed it. I would have if I was somebody else. Maybe I should just go and say it. Tell them what's up. I'm scared though, because I know if I fail, there's no going back, I'm gonna be cut off forever. Last time I failed, it was ok, because it was recoverable. I wasn't cut off quite yet. But now, if I try again and fail, it's gonna be never ending.

But then, it's the only way to get it off my chest, so even in failure, I will have completed my New Year's resolution. Maybe if I try, I might succeed, though. I might just make it. I just can't be so emo anymore. I just have to be sincere and strong and inspirational, and EVERYTHING. I have to be perfect, if I want perfection. Not LITERALLY, obviously, but more like... I dunno how to explain it. I'm just gonna do it, when the time comes around. I'm gonna try.

Ah hell.

Today was one of those bad days.

I mean, I did have some fun, and it was alright, but I just didn't have the will to do anything. Especially after the meeting. I cloaked it pretty good, but the side of me I wasn't showing was telling me to just sleep, or leave, or shoot myself, or something. I didn't want to hang around for very long, even though I put up my guise. It seems everything that I do, no matter how righteous or loving it may be, I'm still just a footnote. I'm still just some guy who says pretty stuff sometimes. I never make an impact, like ever.

Don't get me wrong, people HAVE told me that I'm inspiring, but I don't think so. They didn't really listen to, or read what I said or wrote. They didn't keep it with them. I dunno, I guess I'm just being sad and emo right now, but honestly, I feel like whatever I do, I'm just not good enough. I'm inadequate. I'm worthless. I hate that feeling so much, you don't even understand. Like, I try to be caring and loving, and I try and try and it's just like... Blah. Whatever. Is that all I am? Just whatever?

I might be thinking too much into it, but that's what I feel like. I don't feel like I do anything good anymore. I can't sing or dance anymore. I can't play guitar very well. And even my writings seem dull lately. Like I'm just writing because I'm bored, and not because I'm feeling a certain way like usual, so the writing never really comes to life. I dunno. I'm lame. Whatever.

Let's see...

I haven't really had the urge to write anything lately. I dunno, I guess I've just been lazy. And nothing has been bothering me that much. I've come up with this theory that I'm only good at writing when I'm really angry, really happy, or really sad. I can never write when I'm in a gray area. I think I might even change my major. Journalism might not be for me.

Then again, everytime I get an essay, I rock it like it's nothing. I dunno, I can write just to write, but my truly inspiring work always comes in the heat of some powerful emotion. After my first camp, I was dropping inspiration like it was nothing. When I was sad, I was writing poetry like every two days. And when I was angry... Well, let's say my posts were alot funnier when I was an angry teenager that hated the world.

I guess right now, I'm only posting because I'm bored. Meh. I need a new book to read. I haven't read a book for ages, man, it's kinda making me sad. I should hit up the library soon. We'll see.

Here in my life..

Man. I remember the days when I was filled with so much passion and so much love for God and so much dedication for the ministry. I never thought I could mellow out or forget what that felt like, but I did. I forgot what I was doing. I stopped caring, and then God left me. The most terrifying feeling that I have ever experienced in my life was the absence of God. I felt alone and cold. And I felt so envious of everyone around me. They all felt Him, and I could only watch them through scared and sad eyes and pray as hard as I was able to for God to come back. I prayed with all my soul and all my passion, and He returned, for He is a loving and forgiving God. I was so happy, and so comforted by His presence. I felt the tears streaming down my face and I was complete. I was whole again.

Just now, I had forgotten again. I was feeling sad and lost, and I had nothing to look to, so I took a peak on my blog, and "Here In My Life" started playing, and I could feel Him. I can still feel Him right now. My God. I know He is here with me, and nothing can ever hinder me while God is here. I am complete.

It's a strange thing to feel God's work actually occurring. My New Year's resolution, as I've posted before, is to help those in need. I've noticed so many people, and more than once has someone talked to me about their problems. I'm supposed to help them to the best of my ability. God is leading these people to me. This is it, this is my purpose. At least for now, this is why I'm here. I am relieved and content. I am ready.

The sky is gray, but my day is still bright.

Dreary weather or no, today is gonna be a GOOD day, because I'm gonna make it a good day, because I'm gonna go hang out with R&R for a couple of hours and then go paint the town red!! Or something. A plan is already formulating in my brain, though I'm not really sure whether or not it's gonna work.

My house is becoming more and more dull every single day I sit in it. Looks like I'm gonna spend tomorrow with Matt Abero. Or anybody that isn't my family. Man, you think YOUR family is insane. Mine is like... How do I explain this?

Ok, imagine Hannibal Lector. Ok, now imagine the Joker. Ok, now imagine Leather Face. Ok now mix all of them together, except take away all of the intelligence of Hannibal and the Joker. I have no idea what to call the product of that kind of mixture, so we'll just call it BamBam's Family.

THAT'S how insane my family is. Seriously. I gotta get outta here QUICK.

Yeah. So, I guess I'm gonna wait until 3, when R&R are done with school. That's still 2 and a half hours of waiting. Good thing I'm sleepy, so I'll just take a nap and set an alarm for 2:30. Probably just gonna go pick them up to maximize hang out time. Haha. Yeah, alright, I guess that's my post.

I hope all of your days are bright, even when the clouds are covering the sun. If not, just call me, and I'll brighten things up for you.

-Bam

I totally did NOTHING today.

YUP! Because I'm a lameass loserface dummyhead. Or something like that. Man, I need a life. That'd be freakin awesome, if I had one of those. Or a car, because a car is the gateway to having a life. I'd just go to people's houses, who I KNOW aren't home, and sit in front of their house until they got there. Because I'm the shit like that.

Yeah, so, I kinda hope tomorrow will be better. Doubt it, though. Still nobody to hang out with and nothing to do. Man, I keep having dreams that I get something. Like a big ole wad of cash, or an iPhone, a car. Stupid pointless dreams, making me feel bad about reality. Agh, lame.

Last night was a baaaaad, bad night for me, man. I felt like I was about to die. Like, seriously, I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I'm just stuck on the same thing for so fucking long, and I never get noticed, no matter how fucking nice I am or any of that shit. And I get pissed off because everybody else is a fucking asshole, and I try so hard not to be. Everybody else just disregards all that potential and all that worth, and they just poke fun and ignore. And I'm the only one who's willing enough to say that it's wrong, but I just can't say it aloud. I can't tell it to their face, because then I look like some kind of retard dipshit who's desperate for some "love" or what the fuck ever, but not really. I really don't give a shit if I'm rejected. It's not even like that. It's just somebody has to say it. Somebody has to fucking tell them that they are fucking AMAZING, and that everybody who doubts it is a fucking IDIOT, and they should slap themselves for not realizing how much inspiration they've been missing.

And the fucked up part is, they bring her down, and she just goes with it like it's alright. It's fine she's being ignored. It's ok that none of her ideas come to fruition. Why? Because you fuckheads aren't ready yet? NOT FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH. And I know some of the others have spoken to her, and they know how much she can do. How much she WOULD do with a little bit of help. None of them do anything about it though. They hear her out and say, "Oh, well, that's all dandy, but..." There should be no but. There should just be, "YEAH, let's do it NOW."

But of course, like the cycle of life goes, they underestimate her, and just write off her thoughts as "to be considered in the future." Not good enough. Why do you do that? Maybe I'm just rambling nonesense because I'm out of the loop and I don't know the whole story, but still, somebody clarify then. Why?

And you know what else is fucked up, SHE takes so much shit from us. Like, she takes all the insults and all the hurt and we're fucking hypocrits calling HER the asshole. Calling HER the bitch. No, it's not her, it's us. We're assholes, and we're bitches. She told me once that she's just a mirror of me. She simply mirrors what everyone says to her. And we have the audacity to tell her that SHE's mean to us? No. Wrong. I know, because I was one of those, and I know that I was wrong for that. Numerous times, we've made her cry, and we've hurt her, and she doesn't show it to any of us. She holds it in because she's so strong and so brave, and then she comes back every single time we gather to take some more of it, because she loves us, even though we treat her like we do.

Why is that?

How about a new year's resolution. How about we stop that. I mean, I understand we play around with eachother, but sometimes we do it more to certain people, and sometimes we go too far. And she has trouble showing her emotions, because she'd rather just ignore it, but I see her tears, and I see what we do to her, and as a brother in Christ, I KNOW that it's wrong. I KNOW that we're wrong. And I'm done hiding and letting it happen. I want to be a brother. A good one that my family in Christ can rely on, no matter what. So I'm gonna start with this.

And if you think I'm just writing this because I like her... FUCK YOU. You're an idiot, and you're just denying that you're an asshole to her.

Oh yeah, this is about Michelle. Sorry, didn't clarify. I am not hiding anymore, fuck that shit, I'm mad.

I already did one today, but whatever.

Somebody once told me: "Who says you can't write two blogs in one day?" so I guess, I'll do just that.

I feel a bit crappy right now. Oh well. Whatever. I try to be a bit more optimistic, but sometimes it just doesn't work, y'know? Anyways, I've been thinking alot about one thing lately. Like, all the freakin time, it's the same thing. I mean, I think about alot of stuff but just that one thing keeps coming back over and over and I'm starting to wonder if I'm supposed to do anything about it. Like, maybe God won't let me stop thinking about it because He has something planned for me. And like, just to give you the jist of what I'm talking about, I've been thinking about this same thing for like 9 months now. That's 3/4 of a year. That's how stuck on this stuff I've been. I don't even know what the heck I'm doing anymore. I really really want to do something about it, SO badly. But I can't do anything. Nothing I say or do will work. I mean, eventually, I'll have to stop thinking about it, but that's not looking to be for a very long time.

So I guess another New Year's resolution is to either do something, or get over it. Yeah. If you know me well, then you probably already know what it is. If you do, then man, I need some help.

So it all boils down to this...

Two-thousand and nine.

I guess it's time to change up my own being. It won't be easy, but it is required. I finally want to step up. In more ways than one, and there's one thing that I want to do more than anything. But I gotta set it up first, and I'm gonna need to be able to drive legally beforehand. That's an easy step, I can get my license within the next month or so. And then my plans will come into effect!

Whether I'm successful or not doesn't matter either, because it will have been my last stand in an on going battle with myself. And it's also a step towards completing my New Year's resolutions, which are very vague, and difficult to accomplish, but I'm sure I can finish them. This is gonna be my year, dudes. This is my time to SHINE! Hahaha. Well, maybe. If I can do everything that I've set up for myself.

Then of course, there are the usual, obvious things that need to get done. Like school and physical health and so on and so forth. Those are my primaries, I guess you could say. More like an unsaid oath to complete all of these without writing it down or stating them officially. That's just me, though.

Anyways, here is what I wrote down at the first cluster meeting of the year (which was awesome, by the way), my resolutions were, "To inspire those in need of inspiring, to show compassion to those in need of comfort, and to be a brother and a man following in the light of God."

It might seem like BS, but I assure you, I'm gonna try my best. Pretty much, my resolution is to dedicate myself to helping those in need, and to make myself a better person by strengthening my bond with God. So don't cry, or be sad around me, because you better be CERTAIN, Bam Bam is gonna give you a hug and tell you how wonderful you are and show you that whatever you're distraught about, it doesn't matter, because you can pull through and because God loves you, and nothing in this world, no matter what it is, can overcome God and His will, and nothing in this world can overcome the love that He has sent in the form of your brothers and sisters in Christ.

This is my trial. This is my calling. This is why I am here.

I am ready.

-Bam Bam