Endless plight.

Hopeless. Utterly hopeless. One goal to strive for, and it is beyond my reach and will remain so until the end of time. Perhaps I am simply taking the wrong measures, or searching for my goal within the wrong vessel. I have to get out. I gotta leave this place. It all just seems so dull and gray to me now, where before, it was blindingly colored. Where before, I was happy. Soon, I'll be able to get out. And then my plight will be over.

This is my problem, I have to advance in the world. What am I doing, other than sitting around? I can go. I can get out, I have the ability. So that's my decision. I'm gonna leave, because I am ready to grow up. Finally. I can't believe it took me this long to prepare myself. Maybe I'm just afraid of breaking my usual routine. Maybe I'm afraid of doing things on my own. So... I guess that's it. Break the fear, and get out.

Right, so none of what I wrote makes any sense to anybody but me. Haha, I'll translate.

For some reason, these past few days, I've been super down. I'm not gonna lie, this is my blog anyways, it's because of somebody. A person. Same person as always. And I think I'm probably in over my head, because I'm never gonna do anything with them. Ever. And I know that, and the thing is, I don't care that much that I'll never be in a different situation with them, it's more like an everyday annoyance that I can't stop thinking of. So, my solution is to leave this town. To leave Elk Grove. My hometown.

Honestly, when I first got back I felt at home like I never have in any other place. After awhile, though, it started getting depressing. I mean, this IS and forever will be my hometown, no matter what, and I'll never leave it permanently, but I feel like I'm held back here. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to happen. And I don't think that I should be waiting anymore. And now that I'm an adult, and will be receiving my license within the next month, I'll have the means to leave.

And it all fits with my aspirations, too. I wanna go to The City. Frisco, man. I can continue journalism over there, and probably find somebody to room with. And I won't even be leaving YFC. The thing is, I've never really been on my own. I've always had somebody there to help me out. And I guess, even if I do leave, I still won't REALLY be on my own, but it's scary, y'know? Then again, it's a step I have to take eventually. So, this is my goal. This is what I want to achieve. I want to leave. Once my GE credits are done, I'm gonna go. Unless, of course, the stuff that I was waiting for finally comes through. I doubt that'll happen, though.

I guess that's it, then. I feel better now.

Peace and love,
- Bam.

On the Lookout.

Have you seen it?
My heart, my soul, my mind,
my everything.
If you've seen it tell me
because with every moment that goes by,
where I'm not in contact with it,
A little bit of me dies.

Have you seen it?
My love, my dream, my passion,
my all.
It's beautiful, it inspires,
and lights fires within my being.

With it,
I can write a romance that would explode hearts.
With it,
I can sing a song that would soothe souls.
With it,
I can paint a picture that would stimulate minds.

I just need to find mine.
My heart, my soul, my... Self.
See, this thing comes in many forms for different people.
For some, it is the art they create and live by,
For some it is their significant other.

I've found neither.
What I have found is something greater than all,
what I have found is God.
Through Him, I have both art and love.
Through Him, I am whole.
He is my heart, my soul, my mind, my love, my dream, my passion.
My all,
My everything.

Not many people have seen Him,
but I can tell those people,
once you have, there's no escape,
once you have, there's no going back.
Once you've seen your everything,
Once you know your own worth through Him,
Once you've learned of His love for you,
You will be complete.

It's just that sometimes, you have to look hard to see.
Sometimes, it takes a little effort.
Sometimes, we need some help.

The truth is that, God has always been there,
And we have always been searching,
for something, for anything,
it's just that some of us search half-heartedly.
Some of us search in disbelief,
Some of us lose our will to keep searching.

And like me, if we're away from God too long,
a bit of us dies, and we commit crimes,
we steal, we kill, we cheat, we lie.
We sin. We lose our minds.
And our hearts, and our souls.

And some ask why?
Why would a loving God let us destroy ourselves?
The answer is simple,
None of those causing destruction believe in Him,
None of those people have seen Him,
because none of them were on the lookout.

None of them are happy,
because they weren't on the look out.
None of them are content,
because they weren't on the look out.
None of them know,
that even though, they're not looking,
God is on the lookout for them.

He's on the lookout for them,
through me. Through everyone who's seen Him.
So be clear, if you haven't see God,
Then I am on the lookout for you.

Not a day goes by...

Christmas was fun. Not extra fun, or amazing or anything, but it was fun. It was cool hanging out with the family. God knows I don't do enough of that... Ever. There was something that's been on my mind for the past few days, it's not very important, but it bothers me constantly, and today was a day that it didn't cross my mind very much. Not until I got home and started relaxing, anyways. I don't know why I can't just get over it. Maybe nobody ever really does? Maybe I'm stubborn? Maybe I need an outlet or something to distract me from myself. What I do know is that I need to forget about it. Maybe if I keep ignoring it, it'll just fade away, and I'll no longer have to contemplate its existence. Agh. I should talk about something happier.

I got a guitar bag! WOOT! It's perfect for next semester when I take guitar. Actually, my guitar is in the guitar bag right now, and I'm not even going anywhere. You can never be too careful. Also, I'm gonna get a custom airbrush sweater from the dude that does all the paintings in my house. My sister got him an airbrush machine for Christmas, so he's gonna utilize it to its fullest extent, and I'm gonna reap the benefits of his artistry. Yeah. It's gonna be dope.

Also, I saw The Day the Earth Stood Still earlier. It's not a bad movie, but it's not particularly good either. It's no Dark Knight, I can tell you that much, but it's worth checking out. On bootleg, anyways.

Yeah, that's it. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

Peace and Love.

- Bam.

Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

I'm not too psyched about tomorrow. It's gonna seem boring to me. I guess when you're old, Christmas isn't that exciting, because you know you're not gonna get presents. Well, I'm not, anyways. Might get one or two, but they're not gonna be dope or anything. Whatev. I guess it's the feeling of Christmas that counts. Yeh. Family and such will keep me happy on Christmas.

I guess that's it, pretty short one. I'm watching my nephew play Saint's Row 2. It's very violent, sexual and inappropriate for children.

That totally didn't stop these kids from getting the game. Haha.

Peace and Love, and Merry Christmas again.

-Bam

It'll still be two days 'till we say we're sorry.

"One Week" by Barenaked Ladies.

Good song. And it describes what happened with me and The Child. Y'know, it's one of those songs that just fits the life situation.

I guess I was being stubborn and stupid. My baaad, yo. It's chill now though, which is good, even though it's awkward. I'm just gonna be extra flamboyant, and the awkwardness will be amplified tenfold. Enough to the point of making it not awkward anymore. If that makes any sense. Use up all the awkwardness in one fell swoop, instead of over the course of weeks. That makes more sense.

Anyways, this is gonna be a short one because it's 9am and I'm hungry and I'm gonna go to R&R's house in like 2 hours.

Peace out, lovelies.

-Bam

PS: Meeshell, you probably don't read my blog that much, but I read your's sometimes, and I just wanna say, whoever the last post is about, it doesn't matter because they're not "worth it", and YOU are. Don't forget it, EVER! No worries, anyways, even if you do forget sometimes, I'm here and all the brothers are here to remind you every single day that you are, undeniably, irrefutably, completely, utterly, wonderfully, PERFECTLY WORTH IT!

Much love, yeah? Yeah.

Fuck you.

Those words came so close to rolling off of my tongue yesterday. Honestly, I don't even know why they didn't. They should have. I should have just let myself say what needed to be said, but no. I couldn't, because I looked at her. I saw her face, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Maybe I'm weak, but it doesn't matter anymore. I had to get out, and I did. It didn't matter how cold it was. I couldn't feel it. I was numb, physically and mentally. All I could think about was what I would have said to her, had I not been weak. And those two words rang so vividly in my mind.

I don't know anymore. Whether I overreacted or not. I'm not taking it back. I'm not breaking, I'm not caving like everyone else does for her. I always said, no one gets sympathy from me, and I was a rock enough to uphold what I said. So, I'll remain that rock. I just need to keep to myself for now. There's too many things that I have to forget about, and too many habits that I have to break before I start showing myself again. I guess I'll just shut down for awhile. I mean, I have all of winter break to be by myself.

I don't update very much.

I think I'm gonna start posting random stuff on this blog just to keep it updated in some way. I mean, I can't spew out inspirational drivel for every single post, that's like trying to compete with Jesus, or something.

... HAHAHA. Yeah, I laugh at my own jokes, shaddup.

Anyways... I'm trying to patch stupid RO, but it either fails or errors and I have to restart. I believe I tried 3 times yesterday, only to be denied at the very end of the 11-19-08 patch. Which is VERY annoying. Like, I literally wanna punch RO in the face. Too bad it's neither a tangible object, nor does it have an actual face that represents it in its entirety. Unless we're talking about porings, which is pretty much RO's mascot. I think it's because I only patched RO, and not Sakray. So I'm gonna do Sak, and we'll see what I can achieve. Too bad Sakray hasn't been patched since last year, so guess what? I gotta bear through a friggen long loading screen. It's patching right now as I type this, I'm up to 5-28-08.

On another note, I've tested my hand at songwriting. Honestly, I don't think I'm gonna go anywhere with it. Probably because I keep comparing my work to Hillsong, and there's just no beating them. Hillsong? Seriously? Short of Kevin Discipulo or Robbie Ocampo, who can compete with them? Obviously, that "who" is not me. Then again, I don't wanna doubt myself so early in the game, I haven't even finished a song yet. Hahaha. I can rate myself after the end product is completed.

I suppose that's my update. I'm gonna go do something utterly useless in order to waste time while Sakray is patching. I think it deserves a fist shaken at it. I think I'm just the guy to give it what it deserves. Peace and Love and Glory and Joy to EVERYONE!!

-Bam

Disco boogie. Haha.

Another camp has passed. Another three days of bliss. Oh, was it amazing. I can tell you that I want to be different now. Where I was fake before, I want to be real. Where I was flamboyant and showy before, I want to make subtle. Where I procrastinated, I want to accomplish. It's a strange and utterly terrifying feeling, to not sense God's presence. During worship, no matter how loud you cry for Him to reveal Himself to you, He doesn't show up. It's like sitting in a dark abyss, without any hope of ever again seeing the light of day. No rescue is coming, no one knows where you are. You are completely alone in the world, and all of your bones are broken so you can't even save yourself.

That's how it feels when God's not there. When He doesn't see you. And literally, all you are able to do is pray the hardest you are able to pray, so that He would come back to you. So that He would see you again. And that's what I did, and being a forgiving God, I could feel Him again, and I knew then and there that even if I doubt His existence, no matter what sins I commit, even if my mindset isn't completely focused on Him as it should be, God forgives me, because He loves me. All of this within the course of a half-hour. Oh me oh my, am I blessed. So so so so blessed to have attended that camp. I needed it. It showed me I wasn't just Bam. I was BAM!!! With exclamation points, if that makes any sense. Hahaha.

It also showed me what I needed to improve on. I know, I won't become Super Pious Man in a day, but I can with time. And eventually, I will be. First, I'll start with me. I do a lot of stuff just to be cool, not really because I am passionate about it. I like to dance and sing and guitar, but really, I don't do those things because I actually feel PASSION for it. I just do it because I want to be cool. I want people to see me doing it and they can tell me that I'm soo good, so I can feel better about myself. But no more. I do have these abilities, but I don't want to use them so that others will see me. I want to use them because I just want to. I want to be humble, I suppose. Yeah, that's a good word for it.

I want to become a better brother as well. I want the sisters to look up to me, and come to me when they need something, because I want to be that provider. Anything that I can give them, anything within my abilities, and I want to make myself a wise enough person so that I might be able to show them things they've never seen, give them advice that they need. And in order to do that, I have to drop my passive and playful attitude. I mean, I know it's alright to play around sometimes, but I give off the vibe of complete carelessness. Really, I do care, I DO I DO I DO, so much more than anybody knows, or thinks. I just want to become a role model for the younger brothers, and a rock for the sisters. And that's my duty.

That's all for now, there's other things, other steps that I must take in order to better myself, but I'm not completely sure what they are yet. In time, God will reveal them to me, but until then, Peace and Love for everybody.

- Bam