Ahh, so here it is.

I'm afraid I've returned, again, to a more dreary subject in these blog posts. It's just that, I can't hold it in. Have to say something somewhere, and by putting it here, I'm pretty much telling everyone. This thing... We'll call it a monster, has been eating me up for the past few weeks or so. And it's stupid of me to keep letting it destroy me, because I've got no hope of beating it. So the only option is to flee.

I have to run away from it, because I won't get anywhere with it. I won't advance my state, I won't become better at anything. I might be happy, that's only a 50/50 chance, even AFTER the 0 percent chance of actually succeeding. And so, here, I'll declare it. Something that may be a little harsh, but also necessary, and it could do great things for me.

I don't wanna see you anymore.

Simple, plain. And you won't really notice anyways. I'm not even close to you. And with that, I've taken the option to flee. To ignore the monster. Let it remain itself, and I'll just hide from it. Retract. This is the only way I can save myself from complete annihilation. This way, I can focus on myself. So now, whenever I'm near you, I'll just look away.. Pretend you're not there. Yeah.

Stabbity death.

So, for awhile, I've been contemplating what I want to do with my life. A career path, so to speak, because I'm not attending college for no reason. Eventually, I will have to choose the activity that I will have to repetitively perform over the course of the remaining years of my life, and so far, "Ocean Hermit" is the most attractive looking job title.

I could collect thousands of empty plastic containers (e.g. milk cartons, water bottles, detergent dispensers, etc.), string all of them together, and create a giant raft. On the raft, I could have fruit trees for food, and I would simply float around the Aegean sea, carelessly, landing on one of the various islands if I ever need supplies. That would be blissful freedom for me. I think I actually am destined to become a hermit, eventually.

Perhaps practice Buddhism, and attempt to find my own inner peace and enlightenment, so that I might connect myself more powerfully with God in heaven.

Alright, that's my new life goal. To be able to meditate all day, and to become a hermit somewhere. Either mountain or ocean hermit. Whichever way I get it (and that's probably by getting a substantial amount of money, because rich people hang out ALL day), that is the goal I strive to achieve. Yeah, I have the coolest ideas for myself.

Well, that's just depressing.

So, I've been using this blog as a sort of haven to drop all of my trials and tribulations on, and to explain, subtly, my current situations, and I'm afraid I've arrived in a rut, because I've no material for any bright and happy posts lately. Most of my problems generate from my own craving (pertaining to the last blog entry). I feel drained lately. Unfocused. And I go against what my two most trusted consolidators tell me. And, though I know, in my mind, that they are right, in my emotional pool of senses, I can't do what they tell me, because subconsciously, I believe that they are wrong.

Perhaps I am simply dense, and unable to comprehend, but I have been unable to comprehend for months now, while my mind is usually analytical enough to make sense of things after a small bit of repeating. The turmoil within my mind is a chaotic blur, and I'm afraid my sanity may be in jeopardy. Unfortunately enough, the only one who can act as my savior, is neither aware, nor willing to be so.

The definition of old dreams.

As I recall, in my last blog, I said something about old dreams. It's been keeping me down for the past two or three days, and I just can't seem to stop thinking of it, like, say, if I was a cocaine addict, and all of a sudden all the drugs were taken away from me... I go into withdrawal, but eventually come out ok, but that tiny little itch. That microcosmic craving is still there, in the back of my head. The addiction never went away completely, it's just that my brain is strong enough to resist it now, because I understand that it's bad. Except in this situation, if I really did get a taste of that cocaine again, it wouldn't harm me. No, it'd do good for me, it's just that the drug dealer doesn't like me very much.

Man, I make good analogies.

Anyways, I don't think I'm gonna ever get over the craving, so I'll just wait until the drug dealer has a change of heart about me. Maybe peek around for some other people selling drugs. You never know, they could have some better cocaine... Or heroine. Addictive substance connotations, FTW.

Peace and love for EVERYONE!

So I wanted to write a blog, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "I can't break!!" Well, sort of. I can six-step! But that's not impressive. I'm working on this freeze where I roll backwards and then pop up onto my shoulder, and the side of my head. It's actually pretty alright so far. I'll fix it and make it clean eventually. And then I'll be almost dope. Too bad I have absolutely no power whatsoever. Which is wack. Then again, I'll just get a partner who has crazy power skills, and then we shall be amazing.

In other news, school started for me today. Soc 300 with Paul Zisk. There are three things that I noticed about this class. The first is, Paul Zisk is, perhaps, the coolest teacher I have ever been acquainted with in my friggen life. He's like, awesome, and he made me wish that every teacher was like him. Psh, yeah right. The second thing is, the class is semi-easy, and I'm pretty sure I can pass with at least a B, without having to put too much effort into it. And the third thing is, school is pretty cool if you're one to make it cool, and I am one of those people.

Also, I saw a bunch of my old friends from High School that just graduated. Oh man, they're in for a big treat in college. I say this because college is far more superior in greatness than High School, I don't care who you are or what you think, if you disagree with me, you are wrong. Period.

I was also semi-pissed at life earlier, because I kept losing in DotA to the computer. It was 2 on 1, gimme a break, if I played 1 on 1, the game would no longer be called DotA, it would be called BamBam wins. And anyways, it's just a game. A GAME THAT RUINS MY LIFE. I'm gonna play again right after this post, and piss myself off again when I lose... Again.

And on a more personal note, I think some old dreams have come back to haunt me. And I don't mean the kind you have when you're sleeping, if you catch my drift. I dunno, I wanna forget about it, but it feels kinda good, just thinking about it, even if it'll never come true. Either I'm an idiot, or I'm a genius. Either way, whether or not it does or does not go in my favor, I'll still sit here until it does, or another opportunity arises. I guess I'm saying I'll wait for it. God will decide for me.

Anyways, until next time,
-Bam


P.S. Mortal Kombat vs. DC Heroes? I am super psyched for this game. Gonna get it for my Xbox 360, if I have monies when it comes out.

This is my purpose...

First post in a long time. My last blog pretty much epitomizes the attitude that I once held for the world. Unlimited amounts of contempt, balled up nicely into a ticking bomb of anger, sarcasm, and profanity. I'm sort of glad that that phase of my life is over, though I still find what I used to write pretty funny.

It's actually been awhile since I've felt the urge to rant about anything. The problem is, I don't feel the need to anymore. I don't feel like raising my voice in contempt, and in actuality, my word really isn't heeded anyways. Now, in substitution for contempt, I have glee. In substitution for anger, I have bliss, and though I still retain my knowledge, I have gained something more. I have gained just a smidgen of wisdom, and it is that wisdom that keeps me on the relaxed side of the aggravation spectrum.

And it's funny, because I attained such wisdom from God. Not to say that I have one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but I have been blessed with maturity, even though before, I thought that I was way beyond my years, I was still trapped by my own ignorance. That's done now, time to move on.

About four months ago, in April, I attended a youth retreat run by a certain organization entitled, "CFC-Youth For Christ". It was there, at the retreat, that I discovered something that had been missing in my life, that I didn't realize. I thought it was simply my nature to be angry or sad all the time. Never have I felt good about life. There was always something wrong, something major, and every single day, I grieved for myself. I couldn't imagine a time where I knew everything was going to be alright, where I had hope that everything would eventually straighten itself out. Not until I went to the retreat.

Now, I knew most of the camp servers quite well already. They were friends from school, or just people that I knew. That fateful weekend, they became my brothers and sisters in Christ. And not only that, but they also became my teachers, my idols, my mentors, and my inspiration. Even though a few of them were younger than me. They showed me a new passion, something that I could firmly believe in, wholeheartedly, without having to hold back anything. They showed me God, and now I can see Him as vividly as I can see the sky, or the clouds within them, or the green grass carpeting the ground. I can see.

And in those four months, I've done SO MUCH! If I hadn't joined, I would be 40 lbs. heavier by now, haha. And now approaches my turn to be a server. To be some guy, who will become someone's brother. To inspire another as I have been inspired, and show the new candidates something they've probably never seen before, and I have come to the realization that this is my calling, this is what I am here for, at least for now, it could change in the future, but for NOW, I am here to spread the love of God to those who are still hungry for it. And I will do so, knowing in my mind, that I am predestined to do it, that God has chosen me and handed me this charge.

I am ready.