Overwhelming Joy.

Just a minute or two ago, I was laying on the couch, thinking about camp, and wondering what this post would be about, while I listened to worship music on Pandora. Just a minute ago, I felt unprepared for camp. I doubted myself. I kept telling myself I wasn't focused enough, and that made me even less focused. And then something amazing happened. Something I have never felt before in my entire life before now, while I was just sitting at home doing nothing. Something clicked in my brain, and a voice said, "You are ready."

God spoke to me. Literally. And I am so happy, and overjoyed at His appearance. I was laughing while trying to hold back the tears as I prayed to Him and thanked Him for His encouragement. And now I realize, no matter what is going on, I am prepared for this upcoming camp. I am READY, because God told me HIMSELF. Now I realize, no matter how many hindrances there are in my life right now, come camp time, those things will no longer matter.

And I couldn't help but remember that scene from Passion of the Christ, right before the Roman soldiers started whipping Jesus, he said so courageously, "My heart is ready, God." I know The Child pointed it out after the movie, and I did make that connection with camp while I was watching, but that was when I still doubted myself, and only now do I realize the gravity of that phrase. I think now, though, I can honestly repeat that phrase for myself. I am ready. My heart is ready. Now all I need to do is follow the path that God points me in.

Give praise and thanks!
-Bam

Maybe God is telling me something.

Of all the important things going on in my life right now, I'm only happy about one thing. And that's the camp coming up. My computer broke down again today, too, and I don't think it's gonna recover this time. Which means a lot less posting from me, but what the hell. I can use a different computer like I am right now, and anyways, I gave up myspace for lent, and nobody is on AIM during the day time.

I think that's a sign or something, that I'm not supposed to be paying attention to stuff like my computer. I just gotta get focused. Maybe that's why this week is moving so fast as well, because camp training is on the weekend. Really, everything else that I think about in my life at this current moment makes me sad. Yet somehow, when I think about camp, and about God and service, my heart gets lighter, and I believe that no matter what, I'll be able to pull through, because I know God will never give me a task that is more than human to complete.

Maybe I'm just supposed to be focused on the camp that's coming up. Which means I need to cut this post short, because I shouldn't even be on the internet right now. Anyways, yeah, peace out.

It's that time again!!

Camp is upon us once again, brothers and sisters!

And I hope you are all ready. I hope you are all prepared because I have a feeling this camp is going to be a very good one. Like colossal good. Bring as many friends as possible! And through us, God can show them how much He really does love them, just like how He showed us through the people who served at our camps. Just like the last meeting was about, we have to prepare ourselves for this upcoming event.

At the meeting we talked about how we would prepare ourselves, but not so much what we're actually preparing for. I've posted about this before when I served at my first camp, but here it is again, in different wording.

The point of camp is not to feel good, or to be with our friends, or any of that, I'm sure you all know. The point of camp, for the servers, is to focus on God. To eliminate ourselves and to bow down to Him so that He can use us in any way He has to, because that is our purpose as servers. I'm sure you'll hear this again at camp training, but as servers, we are meant to be TOOLS. We don't change lives at the retreat, God does. We simply assist in His work. And to prepare for this duty that we're burdened with, we need to humble ourselves enough to let God work through us.

That's why we're called "servers" because our mission at camp is to SERVE God to our best ability. Whether it be as DGLs or ADGLs or camp leaders or whatever. We go because it's our duty to God to use this event to evangelize and bring these candidates closer to Him. In most cases, closer than they have EVER been to Him in their entire lives. And in order to complete such an amazing and enormous act, we need God HIMSELF to show us what we need to do.

I know it sounds like a lot, but we have time, and we have camp training and brosterhood coming up to help us get ready. Just don't forget to go, ok? Be there or be an oddly proportioned polygonal type of shape. Hahaha.

Much love,
- Bam.

Ugh. Fuckit. I don't care.

Has anybody ever told you that you were worthless? What if they told you every single fucking day, and you KNEW they were right, but you still don't fucking do anything about it because you're destined to be a fucking screw up the rest of your meaningless, pathetic life, and you've accepted this fate because it's all that you can do just to wake up in the morning and set your mind to different things like school or God or a girl who'll never fucking EVER look at you the same way that you look at her, no matter what the fuck you do.

I live in this fucking fantasy world, pretending that everything's ok, but the bare, unedited truth is that I'm going fucking nowhere. Legally an adult and I'm not doing shit for myself. I don't have a fucking license, or a fucking job. And within the next two months, I am going to literally be on the fucking streets. And I don't have a parent's house to fall back on, because I don't have any fucking parents who give a shit, or are capable of taking me in.

I'm ass out, and this shit is so fucking frustrating because I can't do anything about it. Even if by some miracle somebody would hire someone like me, I'd still have no house to live in. And you know what's REALLY fucked up? I couldn't GIVE A SHIT, because all these fucking dickheads that call themselves my "family" keep pounding it in my brain that I'm fucking useless, so why even try to bother?

I don't have a fucking future. I don't have goals, I don't have aspirations. I don't WANT anything in this fucking irrelevant, unimportant, dull, microcosmic piece of SHIT that I call my life. It's fucking worthless. I am fucking worthless, and what sucks is, I'm too much of a pussy to take a blade to my wrists or put a bullet in my own brain.

What the fuck did I do? Is this supposed to be some kind of fucking test? Should I even care? I mean, if I do die, I'm probably gonna go to hell anyways, who the fuck would want my fatass in heaven? Fucking nobody.

This shit is so fucking stupid. And don't tell me to fucking pray. The only thing worth praying for, to a loser like me, is death.

Fuckit. I don't care.

Something is always wrong.

Sometimes, we as human beings are selfish and apathetic. Unable to comprehend the emotional distress of others, and unable to respond in an appropriate manner to those in need. I mean, it's awkward, because it's so much easier just to keep to your own problems, and if you give the wrong advice, you're pretty much screwing the person who you were trying to help.

Most of the time, though, people don't actually want you to give any advice. All they want is an ear. Somebody to, for lack of a better term, "vent" to. They want to know that somebody cares about their problems and cares that they are going through tough times, because that knowledge alone provides great comfort. Of course, those people who are not adept at such things would rather stop listening and let someone else take care of it.

But what if nobody else is there? You're just gonna leave that person hanging? What if that person is someone who you love, and would be there for YOU if you needed it, no matter what?

The solution is to become a person who cares. Because that's what you're supposed to do, as a child of Christ. No matter who you are, it is your duty and purpose to mold yourself into someone that cares for others. Jesus shines through all of us, and you claim to love him and to serve him, and you say that you'll do anything for him. So if he can be found in all of us, then to extend a hand in selfless disregard to another human is to show compassion, not only for that person, but also for God, and sometimes, even though we are wretched and self-centered people, we need to humble ourselves and take a moment of our time to listen and help other people.

I've learned all of this from my New Year's resolution. I've learned that I can help people, no matter how inadequate I might seem to myself. And I've learned that even the simplest gesture can make another person's day just that much better.

There are so many people who I love, and would give my life for without hesitation. Included in that are my brothers and sisters in Christ. And I know that plenty of you feel this same exact way, because I have been there with you, and I know that you care so much. And if you would give your life, you would most certainly give your hand, or your ear, to those people who you love, because you care. Supposedly.

My request to all of my brothers and sisters, right now, is for everyone to start caring. Not just thinking about caring, and claiming to care, but to take the initiative in caring. If someone is in need, and you know it, no matter how awkward it is for you, just listen. You might be able to help them.

Oh jeeze.

Before I start... Wtheck is up with my blog titles? I just put down the first thing I think about, even if it has nothing to do with the blog itself. Or I make it like extra vague, so it can pertain to anything. Just like this one. Oh well... Aaanyways, time for the real content.

Last night, I was contemplating the decision to leave for the Air Force. I want to go, because I know that it's the right choice, and I actually do want to experience being in the military, but I just don't want to go yet. I don't want to move again, because I just don't want to leave again. Ever since I was 10 years old, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 2 years. And as July '08 rolled by, I was happy that I made it for a year, and now it's soon going to be 2 years, and I'm supposed to leave?

I have real friends here. I have YFC here. And, as stupid as it is, I don't want to leave them. I'll leave for 4 years and the people who weren't even old enough to drive will be old enough to drink. And I don't want to miss that. I want to see that growth happen, and witness that life, and be apart of it. And not just some guy who was cool before, but then I left, and now I barely talk to them anymore. And then when I get back, will they remember me? When I get back, will I still be their friend? Every single time I moved, when I got back, I had no idea where my friends were, and I made some new ones.

Then again, before I never had REAL friends. Now I have people who I even go so far as calling my brothers and sisters. Not only in Christ, but in life. They're like the family I never had. And I'm supposed to leave them? Even if it's for a relatively short period of time, I still don't want to miss anything. I don't want to miss THEM.

So, my decision is... I want to wait, maybe just for another year before I ship out. I don't want to leave so soon. And I also want to make it past that 2 year mark.

But WAIT, there's MORE. Hahaha. Totally different content, though... Yeah, remember, this is not about the Air Force anymore... Right.

So, occasionally, I have phone conversations with certain people at night... Usually when I'm bored. Usually. And last night I was speaking to somebody. It was a long talk, and we went back and forth from life problems, to God, to other people, and then back to God, and then problems again. And every time I hear this person's strife, it's like, everybody wants to target them. You know, even if they really, HONESTLY, didn't do anything. Even people who aren't even apart of the situation get mad, and insult them behind their back. It's like... Whoa. Calm down.

And nobody gets what they're doing, because they just think about themselves. Oh you know, THIS person is easy to pick on. But why? Why do you choose to only target them for insults? And it's not even just this person, y'know, everywhere there's that one guy or girl who just gets dissed for no reason. And you see that stuff in the movies, right? And you feel bad for that poor little loser who gets made fun of all the time. And then you come out here into the real world, and then you contribute to throwing insults at that person who you felt bad for.

I don't know why we single people out. Well I DO... Because they're different from us, because they're weird, and somehow this annoys us. And maybe I'm a hypocrite because I have said some HELLA messed up stuff about people, but I just play around, y'know, other people are just straight up insulting, like DAMN, really? You would go that far? For what reason? Oh yeah, because we all don't like this person, so it's ok to say all this horrible crap about them, even if they really didn't do anything. And that makes me both mad and confused, because it's like, what the hell. This is a GOOD person who we're tearing down. All they want is for everybody to be happy, even at the cost of their own happiness. So they don't even say anything, and they just sit back and stay quiet about all this stuff, and let everybody keep insulting them.

And to me, it's hella irritating, because I don't want to know that, and I don't want to hear that, and then when I randomly call them, all they can do is cry, and all they can talk about is how everyone is hella messed up, and for what? Nothing. And I'm sitting there like just trying to talk them into being happy and smiling, but they don't have anything to smile about, and they can't be happy. So what then? My new year's resolution is to help the people in need. I guess I have another person to help.