But you say I'm just a frieeend. HAHAHA.

I've been friends with alot of people, but only a few of them have made that insanely large impact on my life. Other than family, I've only witnessed a couple of people who were able to change my entire perspective on the universe and its innerworkings. I don't know why or how it came to be this way, but it did, by some divine force, God sent me these blessings (or curses) to mold me into the person who I am today. And I am grateful to them.

Russell and Robin
They've been there, and we've grown together under the light of God for over a year now. Our faith has spread and our concept of morality has heightened, all because we spotted eachother during the down times when our spiritual high wasn't at its peak, and when we needed somebody to point out our imperfect judgement. They are my rock, my support, my strength. R-Rock and Lil Deuce. R&R. WtRussel!? and RawRbin. The V. Bros. We have a million nicknames for eachother, and a million more inside jokes. We can't get any tighter with eachother than we already are.

AlizaMUHDOOOOOO
I hate it when you call my name with your annoying whiny voice. It drives me insane, because most of the time, it's followed by something you want me to do for you. The thing is, I'll do everything for you, because you're my Muhdoo, and you are everything to me. So whatever I can give, I'll give it to you, no matter what, because that's how much I love you, and that's what brothers do, right? You're the person to talk to when I'm bored, and you're the person to talk to when I'm sad, or mad, or happy, even. You're the person to talk to every minute of every day. There's no bad time to call, unless you're sleeping, because you're boring when you're sleeping. And we've talked about everything. From relationships to feet. We've talked about it. And the fact that you think I'm hella cool, even though I'm just some guy makes me proud to call you my sister. My best. My Muhdoo.

Michelle (effing) Barros
You are the bane of my existence. That burning hatred in the back of my brain that screams for me to unleash it whenever I see your face because it pisses me off just THAT much, and I want to gouge my own eyeballs out, stab myself in the throat, and shoot myself in the head. And for some reason, we're alike in alot of ways. I won't lie about it and say you never changed me, and I won't lie and say I wouldn't care if you were gone. You are the one that first brought me to God. You are the one that made me think of the things I was saying, and you showed me the actual level of vulgarity I was spewing out. And I know you hate me as much as I hate you. Probably more. And I know we're never gonna get over hating eachother, because I'm always gonna start a fight with you. Just something about your attitude that pisses me off. But I also know that for some reason, I'm never gonna be able to cut you off completely, no matter how I try. I don't forget the times I came to you with my problems, or the times you came to me with your's. I don't forget when I felt bad after telling you off and calling you a bitch on like 8 different levels of insults. I don't forget it. You might, but I won't. And I'll keep remembering, even when you ignore me and push me away. I'll take all the crap and all the abuse from you, because I don't wanna just give up on you. Because I remember my friends. I don't forget.

The One.

This I see, visions of her and me,
filling the compilations of my thoughts of she,
and dreams of we-
be, together like mac and cheese,
I vastly seek the paths that lead,
to her heart, so that me, and her, could be,
as one, never to be undone, and I,
would sacrifice, thirty years of the expanse of my life,
in order to have one rhyme that would spark,
a light, and give her an inkling of want to be mine,
just so that one time, I could find,
emotional connection, intense enough to burn the sun,
run with it 'till the song is done,
but I'm only half way through verse one.

Yet I'm set to fail,
cause she's eleven on a one-to-ten scale.
The fall of her gaze impacts like hail,
and I'm left bruised under the icy sheets,
like damn. She's really lookin' at me?
Wit, beauty, and style,
all of these qualities making my strife worthwhile,
if only to see her smile.
And I know, undoubtedly,
that her and me could be.
And I pray for something. Anything.
Show me that opening.
I'll wait forever for that day,
cause she embodies words no one could ever say.
And I don't think I've ever seen her face,
or heard her name.

Holy crap.

You know what happens when I'm stagnant online for a long time? I start losing my jaded, forked-tongue, uncaring demeanor. Well actually, I just stop being clever within my writings. Because I'm unseasoned, and I've gone soft. I find it difficult, at this very moment, to find words that I used commonly before I stopped writing. Maybe life caught up to me, and I'm becomming more and more normal with every day that passes by that I'm not exercising my wit. Eventually, I'll just stop being my old self, and turn into something else. Then again, according to society, my old self was kind of weird. I was introverted, my life revolved around imaginary beings on a stupid looking website, and I was pained for every second that I was away from it. My world was within a computer screen, from when I was 14, until I was 16. Two of the most defining years in a teenager's life. When we evolve from young teenager, to old teenager. Not me, though. I had the mindset of an old teenager from the get-go. Only thing was, my brain kept that adolescent mindset going into adulthood.

I dunno where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just saying I don't know what I am right now. An idiot, a genius, a kid, a man. We'll see.

Oh, flaming shitballs.

Helloooo!! Man, it's been awhile. And I've been sad lately too, if I woulda posted something it would have been heartfelt because I'm good at writing when I'm emo. It's fine though, I'm posting today. Camp is over... It was alright, I was sorta disappointed but no biggie, the next one is gonna be much much better. Also, spring break. I went to Vacaville with Jojo and saw my faaavorite. Haha. And finally got my right ear peirced, after so long contemplating whether or not I should actually go through with it. That was pretty fun. And then Hillsong concert in downtown Sac. Oh my freaking lord, it was amazing. Brooke Fraser is my hero.

But on to the less uplifting subjects. As always... Or most of the time, anyways, I am on the verge of complete insanity. I haven't felt like this since I was a freshman in high school. I feel like I'm about to throw up every 5 minutes because that fucking pit in my stomach won't leave me the fuck alone. Everything seems fucking boring to me, even YFC meetings have become dull and uninspiring. I don't even want to go to precon anymore. I feel like sleeping all the time. My mind is always set on one single fucking event that occured about 2 days ago, and I went over it so many fucking times in my brain that I might as well have memorized the entire conversation. And what sucks is, the whole thing was my fault. Should have just stopped when she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Problem was, I cared too much and I couldn't just let go of something as important as being able to just talk to her.

Too fucking late now, isn't it? I said the worst possible shit that anyone in the entire world could have said to her. I delved into my repitoire of insulting prowess, combined it with my knowledge of her weaknesses, and took every single aspect of that weakness and shoved it directly into her face. And the fucked up thing is, I didn't feel bad until the end of the next day. I didn't feel any kind of remorse, because I was too fucking pissed off at her, and in my mind I thought she deserved what I said. And then I went to church, and after that, a YFC meeting, and right as we were singing Here I Am To Worship at the end of the meeting, I look up, and I see her there in front, singing for the music ministry. Then I closed my eyes and I started praying. It wasn't my most passionate prayer, but I meant it with all my heart. I asked for forgiveness, from God for what I said to a sister, and I prayed for God to help her forgive me.

From then on, is when I started feeling bad. I tried to apologize to her after the meeting too. And she made a facial expression that I've seen before, though I never, in my life, wanted her to make that face because of me. I know it so well, because I've seen it before, more than once. And my heart melted right there, I could barely even muster up the words to say sorry. And then I left, when I could have said so much more, and apologized more sincerely.

I think this is one of those over time kind of things, though I don't really see it lasting very long. I pray she forgives me for what I said. Even though I know things are never gonna be the same way as before. I'm never gonna be as close as I was to her. I guess that's just how these things end. It just kinda sucks because it's my fault. I am sorry, though. Truely.

Overwhelming Joy.

Just a minute or two ago, I was laying on the couch, thinking about camp, and wondering what this post would be about, while I listened to worship music on Pandora. Just a minute ago, I felt unprepared for camp. I doubted myself. I kept telling myself I wasn't focused enough, and that made me even less focused. And then something amazing happened. Something I have never felt before in my entire life before now, while I was just sitting at home doing nothing. Something clicked in my brain, and a voice said, "You are ready."

God spoke to me. Literally. And I am so happy, and overjoyed at His appearance. I was laughing while trying to hold back the tears as I prayed to Him and thanked Him for His encouragement. And now I realize, no matter what is going on, I am prepared for this upcoming camp. I am READY, because God told me HIMSELF. Now I realize, no matter how many hindrances there are in my life right now, come camp time, those things will no longer matter.

And I couldn't help but remember that scene from Passion of the Christ, right before the Roman soldiers started whipping Jesus, he said so courageously, "My heart is ready, God." I know The Child pointed it out after the movie, and I did make that connection with camp while I was watching, but that was when I still doubted myself, and only now do I realize the gravity of that phrase. I think now, though, I can honestly repeat that phrase for myself. I am ready. My heart is ready. Now all I need to do is follow the path that God points me in.

Give praise and thanks!
-Bam

Maybe God is telling me something.

Of all the important things going on in my life right now, I'm only happy about one thing. And that's the camp coming up. My computer broke down again today, too, and I don't think it's gonna recover this time. Which means a lot less posting from me, but what the hell. I can use a different computer like I am right now, and anyways, I gave up myspace for lent, and nobody is on AIM during the day time.

I think that's a sign or something, that I'm not supposed to be paying attention to stuff like my computer. I just gotta get focused. Maybe that's why this week is moving so fast as well, because camp training is on the weekend. Really, everything else that I think about in my life at this current moment makes me sad. Yet somehow, when I think about camp, and about God and service, my heart gets lighter, and I believe that no matter what, I'll be able to pull through, because I know God will never give me a task that is more than human to complete.

Maybe I'm just supposed to be focused on the camp that's coming up. Which means I need to cut this post short, because I shouldn't even be on the internet right now. Anyways, yeah, peace out.

It's that time again!!

Camp is upon us once again, brothers and sisters!

And I hope you are all ready. I hope you are all prepared because I have a feeling this camp is going to be a very good one. Like colossal good. Bring as many friends as possible! And through us, God can show them how much He really does love them, just like how He showed us through the people who served at our camps. Just like the last meeting was about, we have to prepare ourselves for this upcoming event.

At the meeting we talked about how we would prepare ourselves, but not so much what we're actually preparing for. I've posted about this before when I served at my first camp, but here it is again, in different wording.

The point of camp is not to feel good, or to be with our friends, or any of that, I'm sure you all know. The point of camp, for the servers, is to focus on God. To eliminate ourselves and to bow down to Him so that He can use us in any way He has to, because that is our purpose as servers. I'm sure you'll hear this again at camp training, but as servers, we are meant to be TOOLS. We don't change lives at the retreat, God does. We simply assist in His work. And to prepare for this duty that we're burdened with, we need to humble ourselves enough to let God work through us.

That's why we're called "servers" because our mission at camp is to SERVE God to our best ability. Whether it be as DGLs or ADGLs or camp leaders or whatever. We go because it's our duty to God to use this event to evangelize and bring these candidates closer to Him. In most cases, closer than they have EVER been to Him in their entire lives. And in order to complete such an amazing and enormous act, we need God HIMSELF to show us what we need to do.

I know it sounds like a lot, but we have time, and we have camp training and brosterhood coming up to help us get ready. Just don't forget to go, ok? Be there or be an oddly proportioned polygonal type of shape. Hahaha.

Much love,
- Bam.