Bah.... Ram, Ewe.

I honestly think something is missing in my life right now. I have no idea what it is, though. I mean, I'm not sad or anything, it's just that there's something that's not there. YFC is all good, life in general is all good, but I can't help but wonder what the heck that biting, itching, annoying little missing piece is.

I really can't put my finger on it. I mean, it's not that big of a deal, it's just that every night when I get home from being happy with all the people that I love, and am the most comfortable with, I feel like I should be doing something. I think this blog is totally supplementing for that feeling, but it's still not enough to fill in the gap.

It might just be me, though, maybe I have too much fun when I'm out, and I wanna do it some more.

Also, I've been really craving romantic animes lately. I don't know why, I think it has something to do with the whole "incomplete" feeling. I think it's because at one point, I watched dramatic romance animes all the freakin time, and I got this fuzzy feeling in my gut. I mean, I don't wanna sound gay, but man, romance is perhaps the most beautiful genre that was ever created in like... Life.

I don't mean like stupid, predictable, cliche romance (e.g. Twilight), but like... Ah! My Goddess, or Love Hina. Y'know, romance that makes you want to squeal with glee like an eleven year old school girl talking about Orlando Bloom, or whoever the eleven year old school girls are squealing about these days. Is it Zac Efron? I dunno, but whatever. Point is, I gather SO MUCH inspiration from stories like that.

Those kinds of stories make me want to know more about each and every character. I wanna know the backstory, what happens after the series is over, etc... And they give me this feeling where I'm like, "Wow, is that even possible?" Until it eventually gets to the point where I'm like, "I want that to be reality." And it wouldn't even matter if it happened to me, personally, as long as I was able to witness something so amazing.

Usually in these animes, the person finds their soul mate, and it happens so coincidentally, and most of the time, accidentally. And it's crazy because the chances are so slim, but by some divine magnetic force, they are able to find one another, and if occurrences like that actually happened in reality, it would be so amazingly beautiful. It would epitomize the definition of beauty. As if God lead them to each other.

I think I found what's missing after all.

Random bible verse + explanation/theory.

"Better is the end of a thing than its beginning.
and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit."
Ecclesiastes 7:8

I suppose the meaning of this verse is "good things come to those who wait." Or in other words, you will hail more fortune if you are patient.

In the rest of Ecclesiastes, chapter 7, the writings talk about how you need to witness or go through trials in order to become better. To quote more of it, the bible reads:
-"Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face, the heart is made glad" (verse 3)

-"The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth." (verse 4)

So basically, what this chapter is trying to say is that, by undergoing sadness and trials, we become wiser, better, stronger people than before, and that is apart of God's love. In a more adolescent defiant way to put it, all of our major trials in life, everything that we go through, it is all the work of God. He is picking on us. Not to derive pleasure from our anguish, but rather, to level us up. To make us more worthy to receive Him, and that's our goal. It is to better ourselves that we serve God, correct? It is why we are in YFC, right? Then, take heed God's love, for sometimes, God's love can come in the "tough" variety. And for those who think that what you're going through is too much, know that it will never be too much, because God will not give you a trial that is more than human to accomplish, He will only give you what you can handle, so remember that no matter what, no matter how down you're feeling, or how close you are to giving up: Whatever you are going through, no matter what it may be, you have the capability to get through it, whether by yourself or with the help of others, you CAN make it through.

I am... Torn.

So, contemplation and thought have once again taken a hold of me, and the subject of quitting YFC, or "going inactive" has been rolling around thunderously in my head. It's not that I have anything against the people, or any of that, it's just that I think it takes too much of my time, and YFC is not God. I can still worship Him without being apart of a group. And after the whole ordeal with me being unable to bounce back after the last retreat. I just don't want to feel sad anymore, because that's what leaving camp did to me. I felt incomplete, and aimless, and I really can't keep living that way. I can't keep craving for YFC events, and not focusing on my own life. I have to work to better myself, right? That's our whole thing, our belief, right? Well what if YFC is what's stopping me from being better? Doesn't that mean I should leave? Doesn't that mean I should stop whatever is stopping me?

And yet, I've grown so much through this youth group. I was lifted up from dark depths that I thought were inescapable. YFC made me happy. Now, however, though it does still make me happy in certain ways, it also makes me sad, and I've become so absorbed in it, that I've hindered myself. I do admit, YFC has taught me so much, and showed me the way to God, and forced me to accept His love with all my heart, and for that I am so, so thankful. Sometimes, though, there comes a time when one must move on. I'm torn between my decision. I don't know what to do. All I know is that I should turn to God, and let Him show me the way. I'm confused... I really need some help.

Yawn.

It is with a sense of disappointment that I post this addition to my blog today. Multiple reasons why, but the most prominent one is that, I have no contact methods to reach this girl who I wanna talk to, which makes me sad. Also, I am somewhat tired, having been at school since 9am today, and the time is coming upon 6:30pm. And I didn't even have class today, how wack is that? Pretty wack. I'm just waiting for Mr. Abero to finish up his English class, and we'll see where the road takes us. I'm gonna look for the girl's number as soon as I get home, or maybe call somebody different. I'll leave it up to God what happens.

In other news, the retreat withdrawal has begun for me. I want it to happen again, REALLY soon, leastwise, I be rendered schizophrenic due to lack of spiritual high. Man, YFC really is like crack, and I'm freakin addicted. My highlight of the week will be the next meeting, and after that, I'll cease to exist mentally until the next meeting comes. I guess I'll just pray... Hard. And maybe that'll satiate my hunger for God's love, even though that defeats the whole purpose of God's love because it's supposed to be constant. Bah, whatever. I'm out, peace.

One weekend, over fourty changed lives.

There are no words I can use to describe the feeling I achieved when I saw the change... The metamorphosis of the new candidates at this past weekend's retreat. God, with all his love, and all his grace, came down into that building in Marysville, right in the middle of the boondocks, and reached into the hearts and souls of each and every candidate, for the first time. I saw their tears, and I saw their sincerity, and their joy, and I suddenly realized the unrelenting might and influence of God. And from that realization, from that epiphany, from that enlightenment, I was shocked into a state of awe at Him, and by Sunday's worship, the same tears of joy were rolling down my own face, even though I had already experienced a retreat, even though I already knew God's love, I felt it there, more than ever, except this time, instead of that fleeting excitement that I felt for God, instead of the need to exclaim my experience to the world like before, I feel calm. A sense of blissful peace. I know now what worship is.

Before, I would scream my lungs out to God with every song, and let my physical body go wild in order to achieve the sense of passion that I'm supposed to have, but now, all I have to do is raise my hands and say a few words of prayer, and I feel God touching my soul, I feel Him consuming me, and it is such an amazing experience. It's like nothing else.

I do admit, I felt doubt for myself, and I questioned my own ability to provide service for God, but that was before I realized that it wasn't about ME, it wasn't MY ability, it was God, it was Jesus Christ doing everything there in that camp, doing all those things and showing the candidates His light. Not us, not the service team. We were USED as catalysts to ignite the flame in the candidates' hearts, but we were not igniting it ourselves, that was the work of God, and I saw Him in each and every single one of those candidates, I felt their joy, I felt God's love radiating through them, and it was at that moment that I realized: my service, my purpose, my life... was complete.

This is why God lead me to this youth group, why He lead me to CFC-Youth. It's why He lead me to this girl who would later on become my sister, who introduced me to the cluster head, who invited me to the retreat, and God also stuck in a certain girl who I'd have a crush on, and though it's not my reason for serving through YFC anymore, I'll admit that for that very first camp, it was my motivation for going, and maybe a stupid crush was what it took to get me hooked onto God's love. And He was so subtle, I didn't notice until now. I didn't realize the whole series of events that occurred, the line of catalysts that would eventually lead me to camp, and it felt so natural. I had only known these people, these veteran YFC members, for TWO MONTHS, and they were already my brothers and sisters, I already loved them. It only took TWO MONTHS to get that, to incorporate myself into their ranks. And now I realize, it was God. It was God who told me to be comfortable around them, it was God, who made them accept me. It was all apart of His plan. And now, I'm here, in my new life, helping God show the people what He showed me.

All the candidates who attended this past CFC-Youth retreat are now my brothers and sisters in Christ. I just pray, with all my heart and soul, that they find their inner peace as I have. That they find God's plan for them, and that they follow it as He wills it to be. And I pray that the next camp will be as successful, if not more successful than this one. And with that, I'll end this post.

Just remember this:
We don't need to be at a retreat to go full potential, so give praise and worship without any restraint.

- Bam.

mmm watercream.

So, when I'm at home at night, and I'm bored with nothing to do, I like to create random deserts. Some nights, I make s'mores, other nights, I make milk shakes, other nights, my niece bakes cakes and brownies and cookies and such. Tonight, however, I noticed that we had ice cream, but no milk, and the first thing I thought was: water.

So, I stick ice cubes, ice cream, sugar, and water into a blender and create a strange liquid that I have dubbed "watercream", because it tastes like water that has been sweetened with ice cream. And technically, that's exactly what it is. It's somewhat ok tasting. Not better than milkshake by far, but it's acceptable. I won't make it ever again, though, too much of a hassle churning the freakin blender because the stuff just won't blend. Whatevs.

I need to find better ways to entertain myself. Hah.

Ahhh, epiphanies are awesome.

So, I am pretty happy, as of last night. Actually very happy. I've achieved an acceptable situation with somebody, and I have realized that I am content enough now, because we're genuine friends.

Yeeeaaap. Also, camp is coming... It's RIGHT THERE. I can TASTE IT. Aaaaahhhh, man, plus my happiness from life in general is like the icing on top of the YFC cake, yo. Whew, life is pretty freakin' dope right now.

It's like chili pie with sour cream, and grape drink. HAHA, JAMES TEJADA IS AMAZING... Because of chili pie. And because he's leet. Yeap.

Alright, I'm out. Peace.

- Bam Bam