Oh, flaming shitballs.

Helloooo!! Man, it's been awhile. And I've been sad lately too, if I woulda posted something it would have been heartfelt because I'm good at writing when I'm emo. It's fine though, I'm posting today. Camp is over... It was alright, I was sorta disappointed but no biggie, the next one is gonna be much much better. Also, spring break. I went to Vacaville with Jojo and saw my faaavorite. Haha. And finally got my right ear peirced, after so long contemplating whether or not I should actually go through with it. That was pretty fun. And then Hillsong concert in downtown Sac. Oh my freaking lord, it was amazing. Brooke Fraser is my hero.

But on to the less uplifting subjects. As always... Or most of the time, anyways, I am on the verge of complete insanity. I haven't felt like this since I was a freshman in high school. I feel like I'm about to throw up every 5 minutes because that fucking pit in my stomach won't leave me the fuck alone. Everything seems fucking boring to me, even YFC meetings have become dull and uninspiring. I don't even want to go to precon anymore. I feel like sleeping all the time. My mind is always set on one single fucking event that occured about 2 days ago, and I went over it so many fucking times in my brain that I might as well have memorized the entire conversation. And what sucks is, the whole thing was my fault. Should have just stopped when she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Problem was, I cared too much and I couldn't just let go of something as important as being able to just talk to her.

Too fucking late now, isn't it? I said the worst possible shit that anyone in the entire world could have said to her. I delved into my repitoire of insulting prowess, combined it with my knowledge of her weaknesses, and took every single aspect of that weakness and shoved it directly into her face. And the fucked up thing is, I didn't feel bad until the end of the next day. I didn't feel any kind of remorse, because I was too fucking pissed off at her, and in my mind I thought she deserved what I said. And then I went to church, and after that, a YFC meeting, and right as we were singing Here I Am To Worship at the end of the meeting, I look up, and I see her there in front, singing for the music ministry. Then I closed my eyes and I started praying. It wasn't my most passionate prayer, but I meant it with all my heart. I asked for forgiveness, from God for what I said to a sister, and I prayed for God to help her forgive me.

From then on, is when I started feeling bad. I tried to apologize to her after the meeting too. And she made a facial expression that I've seen before, though I never, in my life, wanted her to make that face because of me. I know it so well, because I've seen it before, more than once. And my heart melted right there, I could barely even muster up the words to say sorry. And then I left, when I could have said so much more, and apologized more sincerely.

I think this is one of those over time kind of things, though I don't really see it lasting very long. I pray she forgives me for what I said. Even though I know things are never gonna be the same way as before. I'm never gonna be as close as I was to her. I guess that's just how these things end. It just kinda sucks because it's my fault. I am sorry, though. Truely.