fucking whee.

I started writing this blog, trying to sound all moody and stupid, drowning in my like for you, but then I deleted it because I realized I sounded lame. And I will never be lame, because I'm awesome.

I just had a thought though, and I realized how much I do like you, and shortly after, realized that I like you so much more as a friend. I don't understand this feeling though. I just have this great want to be nice to you and all that shit, and do stuff and be there for you and whatnot, but honestly, you don't need to be my girlfriend for me to do that. Maybe I really like you alot more as a friend, or something. Honestly, I don't really wanna be romantic, I just wanna be nice. I want you to regard me as somebody cool and awesome that you can rely on sometimes. Or maybe I'm just feeling depressed right now, because I've got Secondhand Serenade playing in the background on a playlist from pandora.com entitled "emocoustic".

Yeah, maybe my zeal for liking you will come back after this phase. We'll have to see. Other than that, though, I came up with another good concept for a story, so I'm gonna have to go put all my ideas somewhere. Yup.

What the FUCK.

Oh, hello again my beautiful freakin blog that I can escape to. Gah. It's been far too long.

All that aside though, I've got THINGS on my mind. Many many things eating away at the inside of my skull driving me to the brink of utter insanity. It's like plummeting into a cavernous crag, gashed deep into the Earth without any sign of a bottom in sight. I find that I'm mostly depressed or peeved more often than not, and there's actually nothing that I can use to escape.

My guitar has lost its soothing qualities. I can only learn so many songs, and write so many half-lyrics before I get tired and quit it, irritated that I don't know how to raise my skill level, and too lazy to even try. Perhaps I'm doomed to mediocrity. I'm almost completely certain.

What is it that I need? A new set of friends? A new hobby? A new job? Maybe all of those are good choices. Maybe that's exactly what I need. Or maybe I'm too damn comfortable where I am and I want some kind of excitement. It's just that there's nothing to do in this useless, uninteresting, uneventful, dull, and depressing town. It's like solitary confinement, but with the subtle illusion that you are free, so what you think you're seeing is a town full of things to do, but what you're really seeing is a lie.

You know what I really want? For somebody to fucking entertain me. I had a best friend, but she wanted me to back off. I also knew this really fucking amazing and awesome girl who had the most beautiful qualities about her, but for some reason, we grew apart. And then there's that other damn person who likes to ignore my calls.

And there's the guys. Yeh, I can talk to them, but that's wack. Matt's eccentricities are only good for awhile, then they just become little more than bearable. The posse is mostly alright, but the same shit everyday gets tiring. Plus, I'm tired of stupid fucking attention whores always trying to spend hella money and be the cool fucking guy. Stupid cunt. You ruin my mood everytime I see your faggot ass.

I really hope I get this state job. Then I can just pay for WoW and become a recluse. I'm tired of seeing everyone's faces. I'm tired of hearing about all these fucking happy people being happy somewhere else without me. Fuck you, eat dick. You're all useless to me, and you piss me off.

I guess my real problem is that I had certain friends before, and now they'd all rather have nothing to do with me. Because I'm boring? Because I'm mean? Because I make them uncomfortable? Because they're fucking bitches?

What the fuck is so wrong with me that I fucking repel everyone? How about this, FUCK YOU. You don't want me around, then I am so fucking down to never talk to your bitch ass again. Seriously dude, I'm fucking amazed that you'd even consider me to be your friend. I don't want any fake ass friends. I don't want friends that aren't happy to hear from me or see me or talk to me. I don't want friends that are uncomfortable around me. If I make you uncomfortable, then GO THE FUCK AWAY, BITCH, YOU ARE USELESS TO ME.

Keep in mind though, that I was FUCKING there for you. Everytime you needed me, I was there for you. Don't forget that shit, cunt, because you will NEVER fucking experience it again.

And you know what? Fuck it if that doesn't mean much to you, because if it doesn't, then you're more of a bitch than I'm making you out to be.

I'm through. You better fucking know who you are.

I have a be(A)st friend.

I am so stricken, I have no idea how to start this, but let's just say, writer's block associated with THIS girl is not uncommon. In fact, she is so great that not enough words can describe her greatness. To say that I love her more than life would be an understatement. Let's just say I love her infinitely. She's there to help me overcome the pain and strife of daily life. And she doesn't even have to try. Her wonder comes effortlessly. Because she got a different kind of swag. The better kind. And I owe everything that I am to her. I couldn't give her enough to reach the quota of what she deserves, because she deserves it all. Not only is she worth it, but she's too damn expensive. Not in a monetary sense, but in the sense of respect, and love. All because of who she is, which is, in this case, impossible to describe verbally, no matter how hard I try, I can't come up with words strong enough to describe the everlasting love that I will hold for her until the day that I die, because she means so much to me.

She makes me happy beyond anything that I have ever experienced. Besides Jesus. She is my all, my everything. Even if other friends come and go, I know for certain that she'll be there until I die, and that's what makes her my best forever. She is perfect in every way. Even in her imperfections, she is perfect. Without her, I would be lost, sad, and alone, and I would be a much lesser man than I am now. I know that if she had never become my friend, I would not be happy in the least bit. She is the rock on which I situate myself, and everything that I do in this life, I do with two people in mind: Jesus, and my best. If my God is all that I need, then she is all that I want. She makes me content. I am at a loss for words, trying to describe how amazing she really is. But just understand, she is the most profoundly inspiring, wonderful, and ceaselessly astounding person on this planet. No other human can compare to her, be they famous or no. No one is better than my Muhdoo, and I wouldn't trade her, or change her for anyone or anything.

I have a be(A)st friend. Her name is Aliza Jean Mallare.

Decembeard. HAHAHA.

This is log 26... And the days are blurring together.

LMAO oh my goodness Avatar has got me hooked on some other kind of stuff. Those damn Na'vi. Anyways, foreal, I want to see it again. With you. Actually, I want to see it multiple times with you. 100 times. Haha. Well, I'd like to see ANYTHING with you. Or do anything with you. Even if it's nothing. I'd love to do nothing with you. As long as it's with you, I'm happy.

I'm thinking about trying the whole courting thing. I know I'll probably suck at it, but you never know. I've been one to do miraculous things when I put my full heart into it. I still gotta plan it out alot more though. And get more money, because you can't get trained doves for free.

Haha, yeah, like I would go that far. Maybe if I was proposing, I would, but it's not THAT serious.

I think I'm gonna do the M&M thing, with the orange and stuff. And flowers with it. Oh MAN, that'd be tight. But then it's all about timing, when do I present it? No idea.

Valentine's day? I'm impatient, haha. But that would be better. I need moneys first anyways. Alright. Plan is set, I know what I wanna do. But then there's a matter of what I should say... Agh. I think I'll write giant notecards and let her read them. Like Love Actually. OH SNAP. I'm a boss. Ok, here we go. Thanks blogspot, hahahaha.

You could be my drug dealer girl.

So, Discovery camp is over. I'm doing pretty good. YFC events just don't have the same effect on me as they used to. Of course, I still love them, and I still gain something from every single one of them, but it's just a different feeling. I wasn't excited beforehand. And I wasn't really enlightened. It was an amazing camp, and everything. I just think I've become numb to those experiences. I mean, after so many of them, it's like I'm just kinda... There.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel the Holy Spirit. And I am so thankful that I was able to go, but there's just no after effect like there used to be. It's just not a new thing to me anymore. I mean, I wasn't disappointed or anything. The camp wasn't bad in any way shape or form. To the contrary, it was great. It's just me that's boring. Haha.

Yeah, but that's just more of an update. I got other news. Obviously, the title of this post is contradictory to a YFC camp theme. Haha. Yeah. Anyways, here we go. I'm about to switch up my writing style, so sorry if this is weird.

I'd like to apologize if I'm addicted to what you got. Even though I know of course, that it's not narcotics you're dealing. You don't push drugs, because that's not like you. No, you're holding something so much more addicting than a pill or a plant. You're holding swag. Dealing beauty. Pushing influence. I got no idea how you got me so hooked on you. You got something so potent, you don't even need hallucinogens for me to feel like I'm hallucinating. Maybe I'm just going crazy, but I do understand something. And if anything, it's that you GOT something. Maybe a pheromone, that I might catch your scent. Or maybe it's just how you are, but I know that whatever you're doing. You're doing it right. And I'm falling into your trap. Because what you got makes me willing to do ANYTHING to get to it.

And the thing is, I know that no amount of money can buy what you got. I can't just purchase something to make you hand over the goods. And in any event, that's not even what you deserve. You need something - no, someONE - who will TRY. And that's me. Definitely, that's me. I'll try. Because I want what you got, and I'll find out what you like, hopefully, if I try hard enough. You'll be addicted to me.

For reference, go on youtube and listen to Drug Dealer Girl by Mike Posner. Awesome song.

WOOSH!

I'm bored. Nobody's online and I'm still debating whether I should eat or not, so that means I have time to blog about something.

What sucks is, I don't know what. Well maybe I do.

I'm excited for lent. I have no idea why. Just giving stuff up and watching everybody else struggle with their promises is pretty fun. And you get to experience things. Like a pile of honey walnut shrimp WITHOUT rice. Hahahaha. That was such a bad experience. But it had to be done.

I'm not very excited for Christmas, though. You know when you pass that age of recieving gifts, and then transist into the age of giving gifts? Yeah, that's where I am. Supah lame. I mean, celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ is great. Unfortunately for my family, Christmas is not a religious time in the least bit. It IS family time, don't get me wrong, but it has nothing to do with religion. I'll just keep my faith strong for them, even if they aren't focused on the real "bigger picture."

What else is on my brain? Oh right, black friday. Oh my freakin lord it's gonna suck so badly on black friday. Usually it's a fun time, but that's only if you don't work in a retail store. I'm gonna have to clean. The whole freakin time. And there's no excuses either. I have to clean and make it freakin PERFECT, or else my day will be done. I think I can manage though, if I just concentrate on cleaning, forget about the customers and let my co-workers handle all the other aspects of my job, I should be fine. That's why we're a TEAM. I'm gonna eat so much on Thanksgiving. Just to make my time at work on black friday more pleasant. I can think about the meal I had the day before, and it'll all be ok. Hopefully. Ugh.

What else is there?

I dunno. I'm getting kinda hungry now so I guess I'll end this thing with a pop and a bang.

And a fizzle into oblivion.

Kay bye.

Gives You Hell / Buddy

I never expected to be stricken so easily. Especially after that last debacle. It's like I feel fresh. In slanguage and proper English. I thought the last one was the last one and that was that, and I'd just have to live with it, but apparently not. I guess the truth of what I've been seeking is that the heart is both vulnerable and fickle. One day it might look east, to the sunrise, but the sunset in the west is just as beautiful. Unfortunately for me, beauty is always the basis of my downfall. I won't accomplish anything lingering on the past and the mistakes I've so naively fell into. It's over and done with. What's lost is lost, but what could be gained is so prospective.

This post was short, but it's good enough for me.

Dashboard Confessional
"Truth be told, I miss you.
Truth be told, I'm lying."

Musiq Soulchild
"Girl it would be fly,
If you were my B-U-D-D-Y."

Those lyrics mostly sum up how I am. Hah. Alright suckas, peace out.